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New and unsure.

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New and unsure.

Postby pawlove » Thu Sep 29, 2016 6:02 pm

I'm new here and thought I should say something.

I'm almost 23 years old, and I'm from Indonesia, and had been living here since birth. Currently I live alone, in a boarding house, far away from my parents and family. I work as a freelance artist/illustrator.

I'm actually not very sure if I'm just overly shy or if I have a problem. I always feel like I'm not normal, but not sure what is exactly it is. I had only recently learned about types of personality disorders and felt like I relate really strongly to the symptoms of AvPD or Social Phobia.

I'm kind of reluctant to say that because I don't want to be 'that person' who diagnosed themselves after a few google searches. I'm actually really scared as I type this, so please, if I'm a case of 'that person' maybe just let me know politely.

What makes me think I have a personality disorder is that I'm really terrified of social contact.. I might be able to describe this better from things I've experienced.

-I have very little friends. Currently there are only 2 person I dare to call friends, one very close and one not so much, but better than other people. I really hate making new friends, and when I get a bit closer to someone, I always try to stay on their good side. Never mentioning subjects they don't like, even though I want to talk about it. I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable and afraid if they don't want to talk to me anymore. Making friends is a really stressful effort for me, because I always think I need to always 'good' to them.

-I have a hard time talking and greeting people. There are people I get used to greet, and overtime I can do that normally with those people. But new people are the hardest. I once get accused of being really unfriendly and never greeted my fellow club admins from college art club. In fact, I actually greeted them, but I was so afraid that I only greeted them by a nod of a head, and they didn't registered it as a greeting. They thought I was looking away from them. I always avoid eye contact and I can't bring my voice over a whisper when I get scared, so maybe that's why.

-I did horribly in class... for some reason I failed two classes and had to retake them the next year. So the classes are filled with students that's one year behind me, and I don't know any of them. In these classes, they have lots and lots of group assignments. 90% of the time I didn't get into any group and stayed in silence for the whole class period. the rest 10% is when I get forced into the group after the professor asked who didn't get a group, and grouped the leftovers together. I remembered that I thought I'd fail again... I want to talk to someone and ask if I can join their group, but ended up too paralyzed to do anything about it. One of the professors even told me I would fail because I didn't do a really important group project (she gave me one last chance, thankfully, and gave me C so I can pass the class, at least).

-I enjoy solitude a lot. I found that I never wanted to make the effort to contact with people anyway. I do okay on my freelance job, accepting projects online rather than meeting with anyone. I occasionally get nervous when contacting a client, but I felt safer because I don't meet them in person. I don't often feel lonely, even though the only social contact I'm getting lately are just greeting people I already know, and chatting online with my online friends, if that count. Never got into a conversation in person, anymore.


My friend, my closest, thinks I'm just a loser who's giving up to pressure. She said she's scared and shy too, but still tries anyway. I think she looks like she doesn't feel the same fear I do.. though I couldn't have read her mind. But I think I stutter and tremble when I speak with someone new, and she doesn't look that way. Still not sure if she's right that I'm just a big wimp or if there's something else.

I don't know what to achieve by making this post, but I read through the forum earlier and felt a bit at ease that I can see people who felt similar. I don't know if I should seek help or if I'm just over-thinking it. Hope this long post doesn't annoy anyone. Might not do a thing, but at least that was good to type and let out.

I'm hoping to read some more around this forum and figure myself out better. Thanks for anyone reading!
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby Unsocial Butterfly » Fri Sep 30, 2016 7:07 pm

Did your friend actually say that they think you are a loser, or is that what you feel was implied? if she said it, then she is toxic and unhealthy for you to be around. if you just feel it was implied, then she just might not be a good person to go to for support because doesn't understand that mental issues can't be fixed by ' just trying'.

have you looked into seeing a psychologist? that really is the best way to figure out what is causing you to isolate from other people.
"While Eeyore frets...
...and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
....and Owl pontificates
.... Pooh just is." - The Tao of Pooh
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby pawlove » Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:02 pm

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:Did your friend actually say that they think you are a loser, or is that what you feel was implied? if she said it, then she is toxic and unhealthy for you to be around. if you just feel it was implied, then she just might not be a good person to go to for support because doesn't understand that mental issues can't be fixed by ' just trying'.

have you looked into seeing a psychologist? that really is the best way to figure out what is causing you to isolate from other people.


Implied. I think at that time both of us doesn't recognize it as a real mental issue though. She's not the best person to talk about this but still my closest friend and she at least still sticks around even if there are things she doesn't like about me.

I wonder if it does need to be treated though.. After I graduated college I actually found a way to live alone, away from most people, and pretty content and comfortable. I'll probably run into problems later , but I kept thinking it'll just pass, even though stressful. Finding a psychologist might be a challenge since I don't know where to start and which one. It doesn't help my past friends and classmates used to say their counselors like to turn to religion (not a surprising thing in my country) and I'm not religious. It'll probably stress me more if they were to talk at length about god, because I do not believe it (no offense to anyone religious, but it's my mindset now). Also I'd imagine that will take a lot of courage, which I don't have... I would likely stall for as long as possible.

Sometimes I think my problem is that I'm way too content with the way I am now.
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby Unsocial Butterfly » Sun Oct 02, 2016 3:06 am

I think you found this site because on some level you want to be less isolated. if you were truly happy with your current situation, then i dont think you would be looking for an explanation to your isolation. have you done any reading at home about anxiety?
"While Eeyore frets...
...and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
....and Owl pontificates
.... Pooh just is." - The Tao of Pooh
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby pawlove » Sun Oct 02, 2016 4:11 pm

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:I think you found this site because on some level you want to be less isolated. if you were truly happy with your current situation, then i dont think you would be looking for an explanation to your isolation. have you done any reading at home about anxiety?


That would make sense. I like it on online forum or groups that I can get some conversation going on, but I have all the time to think my replies thoroughly and refrain from saying stupid things. Also I could get away whenever I want.

I'm a really curious person though, so I would love to know about this condition I relate to. I have read a little about anxiety, but felt I didn't fit in it's symptoms. But I knew really little about it, so I guess I have to return to reading about it. Thanks for the suggestion!
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby Unsocial Butterfly » Sun Oct 02, 2016 5:01 pm

I would suggest reading about mindfullness and self awareness, and not about avpd in particular. I think researching avpd will make you feel more stuck in your tendencies. I would recommend reading ' The Tao of pooh', because it talks about how everyone can go through life without just experiencing each moment as it is.
"While Eeyore frets...
...and Piglet hesitates
... and Rabbit calculates
....and Owl pontificates
.... Pooh just is." - The Tao of Pooh
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Re: New and unsure.

Postby skyflyz » Mon Oct 10, 2016 5:48 pm

It's not a real good idea to become too content with isolation. There may be and in fact, probably will be situations in the future that will require you to interact, and it's best to be prepared for that.

Also, unless you truly love isolation from a social standpoint, the earlier you make inroads against it, the better the rest of your life may be.

If you can't find or can't make yourself find a counselor, there are some self help books and especially workbooks that have helped some people.

What it really requires is that you set some goals for yourself, starting with relatively easy ones, and set a deadline to achieve them. They should get more challenging as you go on. When you achieve a goal, cross it off and either repeat it so you feel you've truly conquered it, or go on to a slightly more challenging one.

Good luck to you.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
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