I'm new here and thought I should say something.
I'm almost 23 years old, and I'm from Indonesia, and had been living here since birth. Currently I live alone, in a boarding house, far away from my parents and family. I work as a freelance artist/illustrator.
I'm actually not very sure if I'm just overly shy or if I have a problem. I always feel like I'm not normal, but not sure what is exactly it is. I had only recently learned about types of personality disorders and felt like I relate really strongly to the symptoms of AvPD or Social Phobia.
I'm kind of reluctant to say that because I don't want to be 'that person' who diagnosed themselves after a few google searches. I'm actually really scared as I type this, so please, if I'm a case of 'that person' maybe just let me know politely.
What makes me think I have a personality disorder is that I'm really terrified of social contact.. I might be able to describe this better from things I've experienced.
-I have very little friends. Currently there are only 2 person I dare to call friends, one very close and one not so much, but better than other people. I really hate making new friends, and when I get a bit closer to someone, I always try to stay on their good side. Never mentioning subjects they don't like, even though I want to talk about it. I'm afraid of making them feel uncomfortable and afraid if they don't want to talk to me anymore. Making friends is a really stressful effort for me, because I always think I need to always 'good' to them.
-I have a hard time talking and greeting people. There are people I get used to greet, and overtime I can do that normally with those people. But new people are the hardest. I once get accused of being really unfriendly and never greeted my fellow club admins from college art club. In fact, I actually greeted them, but I was so afraid that I only greeted them by a nod of a head, and they didn't registered it as a greeting. They thought I was looking away from them. I always avoid eye contact and I can't bring my voice over a whisper when I get scared, so maybe that's why.
-I did horribly in class... for some reason I failed two classes and had to retake them the next year. So the classes are filled with students that's one year behind me, and I don't know any of them. In these classes, they have lots and lots of group assignments. 90% of the time I didn't get into any group and stayed in silence for the whole class period. the rest 10% is when I get forced into the group after the professor asked who didn't get a group, and grouped the leftovers together. I remembered that I thought I'd fail again... I want to talk to someone and ask if I can join their group, but ended up too paralyzed to do anything about it. One of the professors even told me I would fail because I didn't do a really important group project (she gave me one last chance, thankfully, and gave me C so I can pass the class, at least).
-I enjoy solitude a lot. I found that I never wanted to make the effort to contact with people anyway. I do okay on my freelance job, accepting projects online rather than meeting with anyone. I occasionally get nervous when contacting a client, but I felt safer because I don't meet them in person. I don't often feel lonely, even though the only social contact I'm getting lately are just greeting people I already know, and chatting online with my online friends, if that count. Never got into a conversation in person, anymore.
My friend, my closest, thinks I'm just a loser who's giving up to pressure. She said she's scared and shy too, but still tries anyway. I think she looks like she doesn't feel the same fear I do.. though I couldn't have read her mind. But I think I stutter and tremble when I speak with someone new, and she doesn't look that way. Still not sure if she's right that I'm just a big wimp or if there's something else.
I don't know what to achieve by making this post, but I read through the forum earlier and felt a bit at ease that I can see people who felt similar. I don't know if I should seek help or if I'm just over-thinking it. Hope this long post doesn't annoy anyone. Might not do a thing, but at least that was good to type and let out.
I'm hoping to read some more around this forum and figure myself out better. Thanks for anyone reading!