by Auxiliary11 » Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:00 pm
I find comfort in the fact that this is typical for borderlines and avoidants, at least I know I'm not alone in having a hard time expressing myself. For the longest time I thought this was reduced affect display, but it's not, because not feeling emotions is so different to not showing them. I mean you know it's emotional detachment when you've barely cried in months and months; and you rarely feel much anger anymore.
It's interesting, but also really sad, to hear that you can become physically ill from this. I know in my case I can experience real psychomotor slowing in response to the numbing...
Honestly a few weeks back I'm sure I had something of a nervous breakdown. Through a combination of sensory overload, repressed feelings, conscious suggestion that I was "crazy" by someone who I was with at the time, perceived hostility from the other person, a deep guilt over what I'd done earlier, and lack of coping mechanisms -- I had this breakdown. I dissociated heavily, felt anxious and confused, erratic, and neurotic; I don't think I'll ever forget that.
Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD features too. If that's not the case, then I think I'm a deeply disturbed and decompensated fragile narcissist and aspie at the same time, which would explain the emotional outbursts, and inward hatred. I mean really, why couldn't someone have both? Nothing worse than feeling like the very essence of who you are (false self) is just 'dying'.
Expressing feelings will always be difficult for me, partly because they're too difficult to acknowledge myself, and partly because - as others have said - they might incite a negative judgement over being 'weak' by the other person. Being rejected over expressing affection or positive emotions would crush me.
self dx. pdd-nos (level 1); covert narcissism w/ avoidant traits; social phobia; inertia.
INFP; dismissive/fearful-avoidant & highly sensitive person
"Life, a sexually transmitted, terminal disease."
"you built up a world of magic, because your real life is tragic"