Your relationship with family members and everyone else?

I get it.... I think we are very, very thoughtful and sensitive as a whole-- so we can't truly relax and enjoy another person's company unless we know we have their 100% approval of us.

That is such a point of frustration with me-- because it sometimes can get in the way of my relationships at work. One person having a little issue with something involving me can throw me in a tizzy....My husband knows how to deal with me, but I don't think others really have any idea of the turmoil it puts me through sometimes...

I try to squelch those feelings, but I know without a doubt-- that always feeling like I need 100% approval is what keeps me from being "me" with someone and keeps me from trusting others.
That wall I have up is what keeps others from feeling comfortable with me as a friend and thus the never-ending cycle of AVPD ensues...

Unsocial Butterfly wrote:

Leroythelost wrote:whats ur age?

Asking how old someone is will not help them warm up to you.

I think that if you really do not believe your family was a trigger, then look at other areas like bullying.

I wanted to know their age so I could understand where in life they are relative to me since I am only 19 and tend to be one of the youngest here.

Well I have been bullied but that was because of this disorder, it didn't start it.

-- Thu Feb 11, 2016 2:39 pm --

Hmm, well reading the responses it seems that people aren't pointing out a distinct difference between how they act with family members and everyone else.

I thought this was a symptom of this disorder, but apparently not. Most people generally say they are have AVPD with family members just as much as everyone else and a lot of people say they only got it till their teens or early adulthood. If this is the case I probably don't have this disorder or have a really different form of it because, I have felt really different to people since I could talk and for me there is a distinct difference with how I act with family members and everyone else in the world. Still can't find anyone that relates really but I'll keep looking..

Leroythelost wrote:its just everyone else that is the problem

This made me chuckle and nod my head in agreement, not because I know what your family is like, but what my family is like.

You know these guys?

- Neil Degrasse Tyson
- Richard Dawkins
- Charles Darwin
- Stephen Hawking

My family, have absolutely no idea who they are. No bells go off, what so ever. That should say something.

Are you able to see a psychologist? They would be able to help you find out how to deal with the anxiety. Before I started therapy I also thought I was born this way, but I have come to realize that wasn't true.

Leroythelost wrote:If this is the case I probably don't have this disorder or have a really different form of it because, I have felt really different to people since I could talk and for me there is a distinct difference with how I act with family members and everyone else in the world. Still can't find anyone that relates really but I'll keep looking..

What's your goal here, to find someone who relates? Or do you feel like you need help?

Out of curiousity, what is the distinct difference you're talking about between your interactions with your family members and everyone else?

I don't hate my family but I don't feel like seeing them often. I will show up in those specific occasions and it goes usually with a feeling of "oh no, I'll have to see people".

To cut it short, I avoid my family as much as I avoid everyone else. There are some specific members in my family I avoid the most, but in the end it's not really all that personal. I put all in the same lot: if you're a living creature I'll avoid you.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:

Leroythelost wrote:If this is the case I probably don't have this disorder or have a really different form of it because, I have felt really different to people since I could talk and for me there is a distinct difference with how I act with family members and everyone else in the world. Still can't find anyone that relates really but I'll keep looking..

What's your goal here, to find someone who relates? Or do you feel like you need help?

Out of curiousity, what is the distinct difference you're talking about between your interactions with your family members and everyone else?

My goal is to try and make sense of what's up with me. I want to find someone that relates and I need help. I am starting to go insane because I just don't understand my symptoms or what disorder I have as no one here relates. The only way I can tackle this is if I know what this is and if other people on this planet are also going through it so we can support it each other.

With my family members I am myself with everyone else on planet earth I am not. I don't know how to be myself outside my house. My initial reactions to social situations that arise with people outside my family aren't the way I would react with family members. I can't talk as fluently or loudly with people outside my family. My emotions are all skewed and messed up with people outside my family,I don't understand why people do things outside my family, I don't understand feelings like love and friendship, nothing with other people feels genuine or natural. Outside my house when people talk to me I find it much harder to pay attention. I have never had an argument with people outside my family because I can't. I have never been in a fight with people outside my family. I see them as different I don't know why, I don't see them like myself and my family. Long story short I am me with my family and a quivering vegetable everywhere else.

I am trying to find help and I just had 6 sessions of counselling at uni, but that didn't help much. My councillor said I would need to pay to get diagnosed properly by a professional with mental health rather than a gp and as I don't have my own money right now I guess I have to wait.

Leroythelost wrote:I am trying to find help and I just had 6 sessions of counselling at uni, but that didn't help much. My councillor said I would need to pay to get diagnosed properly by a professional with mental health rather than a gp and as I don't have my own money right now I guess I have to wait.

I'm sorry to hear that you'd require money to visit a professional. Can your parents be persuaded to give it to you? And I don't know where you live, but is it impossible for you to visit a psychiatrist in your region for free? I'm asking because I had no idea it was possible for myself at first and thought I had to pay. But when I first visited a paid psychologist, he just told me that this is outside of his area of expertise. Actually he did refer me where to go and yes I had a paid evaluation at first, but later I found out that it could be done for free, they just wanted to rip me off. So maybe you can look into it further? Where do people in emergency go in your city? There should be a free place. You know, people with delusions and hallucinations. There should be a ward for them, and around it some kind of medical psychologist who was trained to diagnose both such cases and personality disorders.

Although it's hard to get a diagnosis. In my experience, the best you can count on at first is a general diagnosis, like "personality disorder". To diagnose you very specifically, they'll take a lot of time to avoid a mistake.

That said, problems with people could be social anxiety and social phobia, too. Did you look into those, do they sound familiar? As for avoidant disorder, I think it's most prominent feature is ruined self-image. It's like narcissism, just the other way around.

Do you have problems with studies or other serious problems that interfere with basic functions of life? Like, inability to go to classes because you fear people, inability to leave home?

FragranceOfLilac

Yeah I am going to try and ask the mental health section from a student forum to ask how I can see a psychologist.

I definitely believe I have a personality disorder, that make me feel slightly inferior and very different to people, but this is differently not social phobia or social anxiety. ell I mean I don't only have that, but I think for AVPD social anxiety is merely one aspect of the many other symptoms they have. Whenever I see people that claim they have social anxiety on youtube and they talk about their lives, they have and can friends and can be themselves, its just that in some social situations they feel a bit scared. I am not bragging about who has it worse but that's nothing compared to what I have to go through.

I am not scared of going lectures or anything. However I have not doing extra work at home im meant to be doing and I am scared of going to the kitchen at my halls.

My relationship with my family is better than it used to be.
For years, my mom was very hard to get along with because she was so manipulative and emotionally abusive. If I cried when she was yelling at me or belittling me she'd say stuff like, "Oh quit yer blattin and bawlin'." Over time though, once she reached her 80s, she mellowed out and even told me that she realized how mean she'd been. Maybe it was because I told her I have AvPD....but she asked me to forgive her, and apologized. Which I did most gladly. That freedom and joy I felt when the light finally went off in her head and she acknowledged her abuse toward me was wonderful! Now we get along great.

My dad & I got along fairly well too, when he was alive.

My brothers ....I don't know if they realize I have AvPD. I rarely see them or talk to them, so I try not to avoid them when the opportunity arises to see them. My 2nd oldest brother, however, is quite the bossy type, and treats me like I'm an ignorant child, because I'm the youngest. That bothers me to no end.