Can't date before certain of being liked

Me v2 wrote:I saw this on another thread and thought it would be relevant to post it here.

if you never risk looking stupid then you'll never do anything really fun, if you never risk rejection you'll never find love.

THAT is a great quote. Something to remember -- every great figure skater has fallen. Some hobby ice skaters brag that they have never fallen while ice skating. You just KNOW they've never tried anything difficult.

And by the way, yes, failure can always happen when you stick out your neck. But how sweet the victory when it pays off! Even if it doesn't, the idea that you did take that chance is something to be proud of, and can pay off anyhow in enhanced self-confidence (if you let it).

Yes, but I think its even more than that also.

Instead of seeing failure as reflective of a defect in us, it is much better if failure can be seen as "X didn't work that way or this time, so I will try again and/or modify what I do". Then just repeat.

The idea that something didn't work or work out only because of something inherently wrong in us, is untrue because there are many factors at play in any aspect of life, only a few of which are partially within our control.

Just look at the haphazard and high risk way in which we are conceived. And the version of us that exists was the very best that could ever have happened, because the one sperm (from millions) that reached the egg was the fastest, strongest, most agile and most desiring to achieve its goal. And there won't ever be another person like you, nor has there ever been.

The guy I am in love with is avoidant in the extreme, due to childhood trauma (unwanted child, says he raised himself, mom and brother have both tried to kill themselves on many occasions). When I met him at our dojo, he was so isolated he could barely say a word to anyone, never smiled, never chatted, was like a shadow. We used to arrive first, so over time, and with perseverance, I got him to chat a little bit. Then he started to stare meaningfully at me. Then at his black-belt grading when we had a group photo taken we had a moment of intense connection - basically just clung to each other. Anyway, we then developed a huge crush on each other and both ran away in terror. After about six months, we started to become friends. We belong to a dojo chat group and from there I started to send him messages. His replies were one-word answers, but one day he just started chatting and then we couldn't stop - sometimes chatted for five or six hours. He told me I'm his twin flame and we're going to help each other heal, etc. We would go out but every few times we made a plan he would cancel. One day I got fed up (not knowing his history) and ignored him. He absolutely crumbled and wouldn't talk to me for weeks. When I saw how upset he was, I realised he wasn't rejecting me on purpose. We reconnected after a long time and he told me stuff about his life so I understood. We became close again, but if he felt rejected over something I said he would vanish/go cold/push me away/be rude. This has gone on for three years, guys. I even told him I love him a while back and he said he didn't want a relationship, even though all the signs that he liked me were very clear. I just think he can't deal with that. I told him his friendship is more important to me than anything and I don't want to lose that. Where we are now is, he can hardly ever manage to go out. We discuss it, he says yes, then cancels - or he says no, he can't right now, we'll have to reschedule. I think he is going through hell, to be honest. I have been very patient, telling him I accept him the way his is and won't reject him because his past has made him the way he is. But the other day I simply had to tell him that I'd love our friendship even more if we could hang out. He left the dojo three months ago and now I literally never see him. I really don't want him to vanish from my life! I really love and care about this guy. I'm much older than him and divorced, but somehow we have a profound friendship - he told me a couple of weeks ago we have a deep connection and I'm 'spiritual family'. He told me he can't help pushing me away and can't guarantee it won't happen again. He said he doesn't want to go into therapy because "nobody cares" and people have betrayed his trust in the past. I've proved myself for three years now! Don't know what else to do. Any ideas, guys? In the past, I knew he didn't want me to stop trying because he told me and because he used to look absolutely devastated when I ignored him/didn't greet him when I arrived at the dojo. He interprets the slightest thing as rejection.