by naps » Tue May 26, 2015 10:09 pm
I am with you, snookiebookie. I just got through a rather long "good patch", but for the last week I've felt the depression returning. I've tried to deny it, but at a certain point I just let my guard down and let it happen because it's gonna happen anyway. This may sound strange, but I don't mind the depression itself; being sad, thinking negatively, and all that goes with it because I've spent most of my life being depressed. It's like my normal state of mind. Like a career criminal who's spent most of his life behind bars and doesn't mind going back.
It's the apathy I hate. I give up on everything. All the progress I've been making with my life, money issues, OCD, it all stops and I know I'll end up back at square one when it's over. But not even caring about that.
I think caring is the key. I try to find SOME aspect of my life that still holds some interest, that isn't completely destroyed yet. Sometimes it takes a lot of thinking. I try not to be subjective. For me, I don't have kids, but I do have pets. They are usually the one bright spot because they are the only part of my life that doesnt turn to s**t when I feel like this. They to see the brightness in your daughter. I'm sure she's not in a deep depression, so try to see if maybe some of that doesn't rub off on you. If that's not working, just endure:
If I look at depression as a force that's working against me,that means it needs to be fought. Having no energy or will to fight it is normal with depression. The only way I can fight it is to endure it. Sometimes I put a face on it; someone from my passed that f**ked me over or betrayed me for example ( I tend to be vindictive and not let things go) . If, for example, it's a member of my family (pick one, any one, they're all evil scumbags) I'm picturing, then I "tell" them that I will simply get through this like I always have, and their "curse" of depression makes no difference to me. Just to show them.
Sometimes with depression all you CAN do is endure. And I believe that's enough. To show your demons up by simply enduring the hell they put you through. I know that sounds weak, or defeatist, but what else is there? Punching walls? Hurting yourself? That isn't enduring. Thast's making a victim of yourself. If I feel like the world's victim, I'm certainly not going to become my own victim. That would be defeat. I think there's a big difference between not caring and defeat. They don't have to be the same thing. If you look at it that way, it's easy to muster a little but of energy. Or courage
Not sure if this "enduring" concept is easy to grasp, or if I've explained it properly. It's like, are you ready to give up? No. Kill yourself? No, you have your daughter. So what else is there? To get through it. No matter how long it lasts or fights against you. Endure it.
I told myself I wouldn't post while depressed because I tend to get distorted thoughts, overly negative, nasty, ANGRY, or worse, but I've read this over and I think I'm gonna press'submit' anyway. I hope it helps. I apologize if it doesn't.