Is Rejection The Cure?

I think I would probably have to side with Blankslate on this one. For me rejection is very difficult to deal with and usually just re-enforces my avoidance. But I am talking there about being rejected by someone I care about. It would have to be a really bad day for me to feel rejected or care about being rejected by someone I don't even know or care about. If I am not already emotionally attached then rejection doesn't really bother me that much. Probably because I expect it a lot of the time!

I really don't think being rejected over and over again is going to make me anything but more avoidant sadly.

RememberRonni wrote:I think I would probably have to side with Blankslate on this one. For me rejection is very difficult to deal with and usually just re-enforces my avoidance. But I am talking there about being rejected by someone I care about. It would have to be a really bad day for me to feel rejected or care about being rejected by someone I don't even know or care about. If I am not already emotionally attached then rejection doesn't really bother me that much. Probably because I expect it a lot of the time!

I really don't think being rejected over and over again is going to make me anything but more avoidant sadly.

Either avoidant or jaded.

To beat it, you must go OVER rejection and prove to yourself you're capable/worthy, not make yourself not care anymore.

No. Confrontation with the goal of being rejected hoping to go "numb" at some point isn't the way to go. Atleast in my case it isn't. It only makes it worse. This is not a phobia like arachnophobia or fear of bees.

xfa wrote:No. Confrontation with the goal of being rejected hoping to go "numb" at some point isn't the way to go. Atleast in my case it isn't. It only makes it worse. This is not a phobia like arachnophobia or fear of bees.

Yeah, more behaviors and emotions come into play.

blankslate wrote:I think you guys have it backwards. avoiders have low self-esteem so rejection is probably going to reinforce their feeling of low self worth. I can't imagine a person with low self esteem being rejected then thinking to themselves 'wow hey i;m awesome'. Its different from embarrassment because it confirms what the avoidant already think about her/himself. I agree overcoming embarrassment would work your way fled, but then i disagree embarrassment and rejection are the same things for an avoidant. that's my opinion anyways.

But I am an avoidant..
I much prefer being sure someone doesn't like me rather than constantly wondering whether they like me or not.
I want to be liked (as everyone), but the cause of my anxiety is not the fear of being disliked, but the doubt of doing something wrong (it could be in other words "doing something others don't like").
The doubt is what makes me anxious.
So, as long as I know I'm not being liked I feel so much relieved than not knowing it.
Of course everyone prefers being liked.
Everyone always made fun of me, family, "friends", so whenever I do something in public I doubt myself and then it causes me anxiety because I'm afraid of me being the cause of others making fun of me.
It's like I have the chance of liking others but I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong, so it causes me anxiety.
But as long as I'm sure I'm doing something others don't like I lose the chance of liking them, but at least I don't have to worry about it any longer.

Excuse me if I did any mistakes, I'm still learning English.

Your English is very good Fled. It's also interesting to see how the Avoidance can vary in different people. Perhaps it just depends on our history, how some kind find difficulty with some things and not others.

twistednerve wrote:

xfa wrote:No. Confrontation with the goal of being rejected hoping to go "numb" at some point isn't the way to go. Atleast in my case it isn't. It only makes it worse. This is not a phobia like arachnophobia or fear of bees.

Yeah, more behaviors and emotions come into play.

Indeed, and the psychodynamics of these processes are very complex and deeply integrated into one's personality. I've been avoidant since childhood (I have a few schizoid traits/defenses aswell) and there were no major events which one could identify as the "cause" of this development . So it's not a phobia by definition.

Though I am glad to say that in close relationships my symptoms are in constant remission (if it's a good and nurturing environment). I am also capable of functioning very well in those despite what some people might expect from an avoidant. Just throwing that out there (for the people who think that we can forget about romantic relationships). It's not hopeless. Not at all.

Fled wrote:But I am an avoidant..

lol good point. as ronni said though, we are all a little different. Sounds like you are a very resilient person Fled and that's great if you are. So you aren't killing your self-confidence to lessen your anxiety in this or these cases? I don;t know. to me it sounds like you still have a problem not a cure. Maybe you you would be happy if you shaved your head and tattooed swastikas on your face that way you are guaranteed rejection. No more anxiety. (joking) i do understand what you are saying. More importantly though, why does the cat in you avatar picture look so sad Fled?

udontneed2knowmyname wrote:For some reason, and I don't know if this is a disorder all of its own, but...I seem to trust people more who have rejected me. ?!?!?! Maybe "trust" isn't the right word. It's more like- they already don't like me, they don't want me, they have turned me down, they already think poorly of me, so it can't get worst- so I may as well spill my guts to them and tell them all the things I didn't want to tell them when I thought there was a chance they'd reject me, because what's the worst that can happen? Rejection? Oh wait, yea, they already did that...All my deepest secrets, my past, my emotional baggage, all the things I would be rejected for...it just feels safer to tell it all to someone who I know doesn't want me already, because for some reason it is much scarier to tell it to someone when I think there is a chance they might have feelings for me, and then they reject me once they get to know me.

Disorder is a strong word. Maybe call it an eccentricity or something like that? But I would caution against acting out on that impulse if the person is someone within your workplace or social circle. I know that I am a bit paranoid, but even so i think i am right in saying that social rejection is quite a powerful force. Think of how much gossip and slander goes on in the average workplace, school etc. I suffered quite strong opposition at times from someone who took an initial dislike to me, based on making a bad first impression. He made the workplace quite toxic for me and could have made it a lot worse if he knew my weaknesses and secrets.

As a safer way of experiencing the same freedom, you might consider sharing some things with some simpathetic person, from outside of your circle of aquaintances, who you only see in a certain context or for a short period and then never see them again. I remember one time i went on a one week course out of town. The teacher was a very good listener so i confided some personal things that were bothering me and got some good advice. If people are good listeners, they will enjoy listening to your problems up to a point, because it breaks the monotony of whatever they normally talk about all day and makes them feel they did a good deed. The trick is not to overstep the limits and overburden them or bore them. Generally speaking though I think it is safer to be careful who you open up to.

My attitude to people who are rejecting is a bit different.Due to early experiences, I am conditioned to invest my mental energy in worrying about the people who reject or dislike me and trying to mitigate the negative effects. An unfortunate side effect is that people who are accepting can get neglected. This is something i have been working on changing lately.

To attempt to answer the question in the title, I am sure that desensitisation to rejection has its uses, if done in the right way, and some people find it helpful. But I am a bit wary of it as a cure-all. No doubt it is good to experience taking an "interpersonal risk". But I find the effects are not so cathartically healing as people who are not avoidant might assume. If I am accepted, it is a pleasant surprise, but it doesnt suddenly change things, because the atitudes learned in childhood are very stubborn and dont change easily. Similarly if i am rejected, it is true that it is not the end of the world, but paranoia kicks in and I will then be worrying a lot whether they are saying negative things about me to others and whether word will get around and everyone will turn against me, that kind of thing. Also, as others have said, it tends to be taken as confirmation of negative self-image and provoke rumination.


This common belief in the power of desensitisation is one of the reasons i never tell friends or family about my avoidant side. Unless people really really understand the problem, they will tend to err on the side of "just force yourself to do it". Because that is considered to be the good old fashioned way, especially amongst older people.I think that working on my shame issues is probably a more powerful way of minimising avoidance. When i feel more positive about myself i tend to be more optimistic about other people and naturally become a bit less avoidant. On the other hand. when i force myself to interact with people it just makes me feel like cr*p and cause a gradual build up of anxiety which does not diminish. It just builds up and builds up until it explodes in some way. This process could perhaps be useful in the grand scheme of things. I certainly think it was important that it happened once because the suffering brought some self-knowledge. But it wasnt the cure.

Lastly, i find that there are situations where i will naturally have to force myself to interact, to fulfill some other goal or responsibility. In that case i find it helpful to focus on the goal itself and feel good about that, rather than thinking of it as an exercise in desensitisation.

Sorry for the long reply. Also a lot of other posts have appeared while i was drafting it so there may be some redundancy.

blankslate wrote:lol good point. as ronni said though, we are all a little different. Sounds like you are a very resilient person Fled and that's great if you are. So you aren't killing your self-confidence to lessen your anxiety in this or these cases? I don;t know. to me it sounds like you still have a problem not a cure. Maybe you you would be happy if you shaved your head and tattooed swastikas on your face that way you are guaranteed rejection. No more anxiety. (joking) i do understand what you are saying. More importantly though, why does the cat in you avatar picture look so sad Fled?

I've been completely misunderstood.
I didn't say getting rejected is a cure or that I like it.
I just prefer knowing if someone doesn't like me rather than wondering whether they like me or not.
If I would always get rejected by everyone, I would feel terrible like anyone else probably would.
I want to be liked, but I'd be so much happier if I could have some magic invisible stuff constantly telling me if what I'm doing is wrong.

The cat looks sad because he's sad, and I'm always a bit sad.