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the disappearing act

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the disappearing act

Postby ganbaru » Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:44 am

i guess in practice this isn't so much to discuss the topic of disappearing acts as it is to let you guys know that i'll probably be pulling one :mrgreen: (and then leave the topic open for you guys to discuss)

i imagine this is probably one of the main things that sets me apart from you guys, but i'm curious if anyone else here experiences the same thing. i could post it in the schizoid forum instead, but that would be pointless, since everybody else would be like "well, yeah. goes without saying"

for anyone who doesn't know it from my other posts, i don't have avoidant pd. i have been diagnosed with schizoid pd, schizotypal pd, and asperger's syndrome, by different professionals at different points. i'm not sure if i agree with any of those. i don't think psychiatry can offer me any new insights or help me in any way at this point, so i just don't care anymore. the one thing i have been diagnosed with which i have no doubts about is adhd (h included. perhaps even mainly hyperactive)

but this... i guess you could say it's a personality thing. it's not an underlying structure of my brain. it's something in between an instinct and a habit

i've been sick for a couple of months now (for a sequence of different reasons. the last one was a cold, which only now i'm starting to feel like i'm recovered from). this whole period, i've been ruminating on (or at least concerned with) my (lack of) relationship with other people, and the way other people feel about me and the things i do or don't do. that's pretty typical when i'm physically sick in any way (which usually involves sleep deprivation in some way). today i finally managed to sleep ten hours straight without medication. i don't feel living-dead anymore. just sleepy

...and that's the point when i stop being concerned with people. i don't think to censor myself anymore. my first reaction when i notice i've said something that might upset someone is "well that's not my problem". i don't mind anymore that i've been living like a hermit for years, that i don't have any social life and that i don't have any real-life friends. i know it's going to bother me deeply again sooner or later. but right now... it just doesn't

i might as well be interacting with people. that'd be cool. but i'm not, and i'm too lazy to do anything about it. and there are TONS of more immediate and long overdue things that i've been postponing for a long time. i might as well be doing those things instead. which is probably what i'll be doing tomorrow, since it's easier and it's the sensible thing to do anyway

i can see the point in those overdue to-do items, but except for my relationship with my "one friend who i want to make an effort to stay close with", i can't see the point in interacting with other people anymore, other than just killing time. good as an end goal (something to be done just for the sake of it), but no so good while i have other things that need to be done

and i think that's the potential problem there that i might want to address eventually. because there are always long overdue things to be done. the explicit goal of most of the things on my longer-term to-do list is to eventually achieve a different type of life where i don't have any snowballing to-do lists. but is that a realistic goal? is this ever going to change? am i setting a trap for myself? no idea

does anyone else relate?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFB6jvrAOos
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby inverse » Wed Oct 01, 2014 1:56 am

Nice of you to warn us. :)
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby halfshell » Wed Oct 01, 2014 2:23 am

All of my closest relationships are with people on the internet who I have never and will likely never meet in "real life". I'm told by most people about how that's unhealthy, but all of my real life relationships have ended as one-sided affairs, with the people who were supposedly my friends stealing from me or using me as an outlet for their problems with no reciprocation.
There are no strings attached in my internet relationships. We talk to one another because we enjoy the conversation and the company, and if we didn't there would be no repercussions or formalities in separating. It's a pure relationship between multiple minds, like the kind of thing you could read about in a cheesy sci-fi novel. What purpose is there for physicality when none of the people involved have an interest in anything that can't be found inside a bright monitor?

I envy your "to-do" itinerary. It sounds like you have pretty solid reasons for living.
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby Remember Ronni » Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:04 am

Often it's about getting the balance right. I disappear when I feel overwhelmed - it's not usually about stuff here but because I need to take time out. For me, it's usually a reflection of my mental health at the time. In the end all you can do is what's right for you. And if that means taking a break, then that's what you should do. I've enjoyed reading your posts (when I was away I was still kind of lurking as a guest) and I'm sure you will be missed.
Diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD)
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby Philonoe » Wed Oct 01, 2014 1:33 pm

I'm not sure if I understood well.

You say that you need to disappear : doen that mean that you have to break any contacts you made (except one) ?

Are you afraid not to need people anymore, are you afraid to forget them, are you afraid to forget your need of them?

Why can't you take some time for yourself without necessary create an empty space? For instance in this forum : you say that you need to disappear. I think everyone can understand that. Than the day you come back, you just come back, there is no drama.

Same for friends : provided you tell that you need some time for you, provided the friend is not too needy I think he can understand that. Then the day you come back there is no drama.

No?

(I'm not sure if this is clear - sorry if not)
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby HopelessRomantic » Wed Oct 01, 2014 1:47 pm

When I took a break from the forum, I made a dramatic post. Now, when I think about that post, I want to smile, but at the time I was really in some dramatic state with chaos in my head, lost, in big pain.

If you feel that the forum is not helping, it probably means that you need to take care of some problems in real life. That was the case for me.
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby ganbaru » Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:43 pm

oh there's no drama ;)

i posted this because i thought it would be an interesting "experiment" both for me and for you guys. so you know why i'm disappearing (and you don't have to wonder if it's your fault — i know i would be wondering if it's my fault somehow if someone else disappeared, even though i know it's a silly worry). and also so i have a written record of this moment, so i can look back at it later if i ever feel like i do need to review that instinctive/habitual attitude of mine

you guys can still feel free to pm me anytime if you want, i don't mind. i probably won't be checking the forum, but i get email notifications for pm's. and i'm sure i'll be back to the forum next time i have a headache or a sore thumb :mrgreen:

bye for now!

Image
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby twistermind » Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:21 pm

Why do you feel the need to say goodbye? Do you care about people in the forum? Are you worried because we can think is our fault?

I have to recognised that I don't understand a word.
Why sepárate your on-line life and your real life? You can do both things at the same time.

I read you in the squizoid forum so.
I'm gonna miss you!
Adiós Anachronic. Fue un placer leer tus posts.
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Re: the disappearing act

Postby Philonoe » Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:02 pm

anachronic wrote:oh there's no drama ;)


Sorry for the word drama, it's difficult for me to find the good words in english.

It's true that sometimes if someone disappears, people can ask lots of question and think it is their fault. I do that sometimes. It's nice from you to say goodbye.


Hope you'll be ok and sometimes - achoo! - you'll come back ;-)
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