i guess in practice this isn't so much to discuss the topic of disappearing acts as it is to let you guys know that i'll probably be pulling one (and then leave the topic open for you guys to discuss)
i imagine this is probably one of the main things that sets me apart from you guys, but i'm curious if anyone else here experiences the same thing. i could post it in the schizoid forum instead, but that would be pointless, since everybody else would be like "well, yeah. goes without saying"
for anyone who doesn't know it from my other posts, i don't have avoidant pd. i have been diagnosed with schizoid pd, schizotypal pd, and asperger's syndrome, by different professionals at different points. i'm not sure if i agree with any of those. i don't think psychiatry can offer me any new insights or help me in any way at this point, so i just don't care anymore. the one thing i have been diagnosed with which i have no doubts about is adhd (h included. perhaps even mainly hyperactive)
but this... i guess you could say it's a personality thing. it's not an underlying structure of my brain. it's something in between an instinct and a habit
i've been sick for a couple of months now (for a sequence of different reasons. the last one was a cold, which only now i'm starting to feel like i'm recovered from). this whole period, i've been ruminating on (or at least concerned with) my (lack of) relationship with other people, and the way other people feel about me and the things i do or don't do. that's pretty typical when i'm physically sick in any way (which usually involves sleep deprivation in some way). today i finally managed to sleep ten hours straight without medication. i don't feel living-dead anymore. just sleepy
...and that's the point when i stop being concerned with people. i don't think to censor myself anymore. my first reaction when i notice i've said something that might upset someone is "well that's not my problem". i don't mind anymore that i've been living like a hermit for years, that i don't have any social life and that i don't have any real-life friends. i know it's going to bother me deeply again sooner or later. but right now... it just doesn't
i might as well be interacting with people. that'd be cool. but i'm not, and i'm too lazy to do anything about it. and there are TONS of more immediate and long overdue things that i've been postponing for a long time. i might as well be doing those things instead. which is probably what i'll be doing tomorrow, since it's easier and it's the sensible thing to do anyway
i can see the point in those overdue to-do items, but except for my relationship with my "one friend who i want to make an effort to stay close with", i can't see the point in interacting with other people anymore, other than just killing time. good as an end goal (something to be done just for the sake of it), but no so good while i have other things that need to be done
and i think that's the potential problem there that i might want to address eventually. because there are always long overdue things to be done. the explicit goal of most of the things on my longer-term to-do list is to eventually achieve a different type of life where i don't have any snowballing to-do lists. but is that a realistic goal? is this ever going to change? am i setting a trap for myself? no idea
does anyone else relate?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFB6jvrAOos