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Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

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Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby bbanner » Thu Aug 28, 2014 7:47 pm

Being immensely afraid of criticism is probably my superpower, but I've learned how to deal with it at least a little bit. I want to share some tips that serve me well and hopefully, they will be useful to somebody! The first one has more longitudinal results but of course it needs more work, whereas the second one is more of a daily survival tip ... which I still use daily.

1. Make weird friends.
If you're avoidant, the worst thing is to be surrounded by the mainstream people. Mainstream is by default defined as a set of very specific rules you should fit to be accepted. This means that these people will judge you most harshly. I know going out and trying to make new friends is superhard, but definitely worth it. Getting weird friends has several positive outcomes for an Avie:
- Weird people are less judgmental. Due to their weirdness, they have been through their share of criticism in their life and managed to survive. That makes them more sensitive to other people since they know how hard it is to stand out.
- Weird is attracted to weird. I cannot tell you how many times my weird friends complemented me on something that mainstream ones rejected. Since the weird ones are more open-minded (and again, less judgmental), they will more often appreciate you, listen and understand your story, they will accept you and they won't try to change you.
- Safety in numbers. I don't know if this holds for all of us, but I am less sensitive to criticism if it's oriented towards a group rather than to me personally. My chosen "weird" group was the LGBT community and, even if people were screaming names at us, it didn't feel as a personal attack and it made me feel psychologically safer. Also, a larger group of "weirdos" almost always includes at least some really confident people that won't be kicked around by mainstream assholes and will work as "guardians" of the group. (But of course I'm not advising to find the most dangerous or most conflicting group there is. ;) Just start hanging out in more alternative places and it should work.)
Getting weird friends helped me a lot in my life. In the last 10 years (since I first joined this "weird" group), I only had one drawback, and it was when I had to spend one day with 3 girls from my elementary school - which reminded me of why I became avoidant in the first place. They are the mainstream kind and they spent the entire day judging completely random people so harshly I was terrified - in my safe bubble, I had completely forgotten people like this exist. Ironically, I've also learned that the ones who judge the most often have the biggest complexes themselves. They were bashing totally normal strangers for being ugly, bitches and bastards even though none of the three is particularly attractive or successful themselves. Getting back to my friends felt like a safe retreat.

2. The magic combo of sunglasses + mp3 player
As I said above, this is not a permanent solution. My worst Avie fear are teenage alfa-male kids. Even though I'm 27 years old, I'm scared to pass a group of them due to the fear of being insulted and mocked. My solution to this became wearing sunglasses (when possible) and a music player. These help in blocking both the auditory and the visual communication channel. People usually insult when you can hear them (otherwise, the insult doesn't have a point). Music in your ears helps to block these unwanted noises. I usually put on some really badass songs and it makes me somewhat more confident in my walk. And the glasses make you seem more focused. I still regularly look around for possible attacks, only without moving my head. However, other people cannot see that. If you are able to walk upright and having a clear goal, it makes you seem confident. I often notice that the rule "smile and you'll become happier" applies also to this. I have sunglasses, I'm listening to a really cool song that gives a firm beat to my walk and I'm going directly without looking around too much. It makes me appear more badass than when I'm without this camouflage, but I see more respect in people who are looking at me.

Anyway, these are my two tools in dealing with unwanted criticism. If anybody also has some tips, please share! I would be happy to learn them.
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby HopelessRomantic » Thu Aug 28, 2014 9:12 pm

hmmm, about making weird friends, please do watch out. In the last couple of years, I've been a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths. They are also weird, but in a completely different way. If you're not in the best place in your life, you're exposing yourself to being gaslighted.
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby Havoctoria » Thu Aug 28, 2014 10:10 pm

If you can't avoid criticism, it helps to remember that you do have the right to disagree with it. :| If someone says something about you that you know isn't true, consider it comedy relief.

Who cares if some random nobody thinks 2 + 2 = 5?
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby creative_nothing » Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:14 pm

bbanner wrote:Being immensely afraid of criticism is probably my superpower, but I've learned how to deal with it at least a little bit. I want to share some tips that serve me well and hopefully, they will be useful to somebody! The first one has more longitudinal results but of course it needs more work, whereas the second one is more of a daily survival tip ... which I still use daily.

1. Make weird friends.
If you're avoidant, the worst thing is to be surrounded by the mainstream people. Mainstream is by default defined as a set of very specific rules you should fit to be accepted. This means that these people will judge you most harshly. I know going out and trying to make new friends is superhard, but definitely worth it. Getting weird friends has several positive outcomes for an Avie:
- Weird people are less judgmental. Due to their weirdness, they have been through their share of criticism in their life and managed to survive. That makes them more sensitive to other people since they know how hard it is to stand out.
- Weird is attracted to weird. I cannot tell you how many times my weird friends complemented me on something that mainstream ones rejected. Since the weird ones are more open-minded (and again, less judgmental), they will more often appreciate you, listen and understand your story, they will accept you and they won't try to change you.
- Safety in numbers. I don't know if this holds for all of us, but I am less sensitive to criticism if it's oriented towards a group rather than to me personally. My chosen "weird" group was the LGBT community and, even if people were screaming names at us, it didn't feel as a personal attack and it made me feel psychologically safer. Also, a larger group of "weirdos" almost always includes at least some really confident people that won't be kicked around by mainstream assholes and will work as "guardians" of the group. (But of course I'm not advising to find the most dangerous or most conflicting group there is. ;) Just start hanging out in more alternative places and it should work.)
Getting weird friends helped me a lot in my life. In the last 10 years (since I first joined this "weird" group), I only had one drawback, and it was when I had to spend one day with 3 girls from my elementary school - which reminded me of why I became avoidant in the first place. They are the mainstream kind and they spent the entire day judging completely random people so harshly I was terrified - in my safe bubble, I had completely forgotten people like this exist. Ironically, I've also learned that the ones who judge the most often have the biggest complexes themselves. They were bashing totally normal strangers for being ugly, bitches and bastards even though none of the three is particularly attractive or successful themselves. Getting back to my friends felt like a safe retreat.


Best psychforum post ever!

Yes normal people are extremely sadistic. Some individuals are extremely normal, and they are probrably histrionic or narcissistic. Add obsessive compulsive traits and you have the ultra-normal.
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby Thesilverdawn » Fri Aug 29, 2014 12:34 am

I do agree with the weird part, although I wouldn't say weird, but more along the lines of who can understand what you're going through. I think the best option in this case is to find people that went and go through mental problems. The thing is that it also makes it easy for us to find people that might not have your best intentions at heart, even if it's not their fault that they don't.

creative_nothing also makes a point. I have a hard time dealing with people because from where I stand, they seem to be...sick in their own way as well. I've been thinking about why and I'm wondering if it's because society is just the same as the jungle. It does feel like the law of the jungle in a way. If you aren't out for yourself then you'll either get used or be left in the dust. Relatively speaking, modern society is extremely young. Not too long ago, if we had the issues we're dealing with now, we'd probably be in worse shape.
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby ganbaru » Fri Aug 29, 2014 12:35 am

bbanner wrote:I usually put on some really badass songs and it makes me somewhat more confident in my walk.

nowadays i'm just happy that i can listen to music by that person on my avatar (of whom i've been a fan for a long time) and be almost completely unaware of what kinds of people are listening to it, what kinds of things it's getting associated with, and what people are saying about it (is it "badass"? is it "gay"? "pop crap"? "teenager stuff"? "respectful music"? "hype"? "hipster"? "party music"? "depressive music"? i have no idea). i just know that apparently she's really famous and popular now, but i don't feel obligated to not like her anymore because of that (a few years ago i would). whatever it is that other people think, i like her music because i like it and i like her and that's it

that may sound silly, but to me it really isn't. allowing yourself to be unaware of what people think of the things you like can be something really hard to achieve, and it can make a real difference. i'm not "quite there" yet, it's kind of a lifelong struggle for me
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby ganbaru » Fri Aug 29, 2014 1:48 am

i guess what i'm saying is obliviousness isn't always a bad thing, and it can even be a strength, as long as you're not too aware or too unaware of how much you don't know (that's the tricky part), and that i find strength in associating with other "groupless" people

it may sound paradoxical ("doesn't it become a group when groupless people associate with each other?"), but it's not, because for the most part i'm the only stable link between those people (even though they all like each other and i'm always talking about each of them to the other ones). so my interaction is one-on-one, and there's no actual group to be dissolved by conflicts or by the circumstances
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby twistermind » Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:10 am

Good thread!
Wearing sunglasses also gives me moré confident and when I walk my dogs I'm still feel better.
They focuss all my attention and enjoy the moment. I flow.
There was a time where I did projections on people, I mean I thought I hear bad names or things about me, then I discovered they were my own thoughts and believes about my inadequency.

When I go out for exercise I use my earphones.
When I'm in a tough situation I pick my i-pod up and pretend I'm doing something important so up to calm me down again or give an excuse to go to the blathroom and breath.

I'm also working in flowing and focussing on my own things and enjoing my moment without paying attention people around me.

About friendship, with age, I become very selective. I get on very well with talkative people but who are nice, careful and understanding. I also like open-mind people who has curiosity for learning and talk about a large varietu of tópics.
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby ganbaru » Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:15 am

twistermind wrote:When I'm in a tough situation I pick my i-pod up and pretend I'm doing something important so up to calm me down again or give an excuse to go to the blathroom and breath.

i'm pretty sure most everyone does that nowadays. but you don't notice them doing it, right? which goes to show: it works! :lol:
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Re: Some possibly helpful tips about avoiding criticism

Postby skyflyz » Fri Aug 29, 2014 5:21 am

Thanks bbanner for the workarounds! But ultimately, the real solution is to learn not to care so damn much about criticism, and choose friends with similar interests, whether they are weird or normal.. good people you get on with.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
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