Being immensely afraid of criticism is probably my superpower, but I've learned how to deal with it at least a little bit. I want to share some tips that serve me well and hopefully, they will be useful to somebody! The first one has more longitudinal results but of course it needs more work, whereas the second one is more of a daily survival tip ... which I still use daily.
1. Make weird friends.
If you're avoidant, the worst thing is to be surrounded by the mainstream people. Mainstream is by default defined as a set of very specific rules you should fit to be accepted. This means that these people will judge you most harshly. I know going out and trying to make new friends is superhard, but definitely worth it. Getting weird friends has several positive outcomes for an Avie:
- Weird people are less judgmental. Due to their weirdness, they have been through their share of criticism in their life and managed to survive. That makes them more sensitive to other people since they know how hard it is to stand out.
- Weird is attracted to weird. I cannot tell you how many times my weird friends complemented me on something that mainstream ones rejected. Since the weird ones are more open-minded (and again, less judgmental), they will more often appreciate you, listen and understand your story, they will accept you and they won't try to change you.
- Safety in numbers. I don't know if this holds for all of us, but I am less sensitive to criticism if it's oriented towards a group rather than to me personally. My chosen "weird" group was the LGBT community and, even if people were screaming names at us, it didn't feel as a personal attack and it made me feel psychologically safer. Also, a larger group of "weirdos" almost always includes at least some really confident people that won't be kicked around by mainstream assholes and will work as "guardians" of the group. (But of course I'm not advising to find the most dangerous or most conflicting group there is. Just start hanging out in more alternative places and it should work.)
Getting weird friends helped me a lot in my life. In the last 10 years (since I first joined this "weird" group), I only had one drawback, and it was when I had to spend one day with 3 girls from my elementary school - which reminded me of why I became avoidant in the first place. They are the mainstream kind and they spent the entire day judging completely random people so harshly I was terrified - in my safe bubble, I had completely forgotten people like this exist. Ironically, I've also learned that the ones who judge the most often have the biggest complexes themselves. They were bashing totally normal strangers for being ugly, bitches and bastards even though none of the three is particularly attractive or successful themselves. Getting back to my friends felt like a safe retreat.
2. The magic combo of sunglasses + mp3 player
As I said above, this is not a permanent solution. My worst Avie fear are teenage alfa-male kids. Even though I'm 27 years old, I'm scared to pass a group of them due to the fear of being insulted and mocked. My solution to this became wearing sunglasses (when possible) and a music player. These help in blocking both the auditory and the visual communication channel. People usually insult when you can hear them (otherwise, the insult doesn't have a point). Music in your ears helps to block these unwanted noises. I usually put on some really badass songs and it makes me somewhat more confident in my walk. And the glasses make you seem more focused. I still regularly look around for possible attacks, only without moving my head. However, other people cannot see that. If you are able to walk upright and having a clear goal, it makes you seem confident. I often notice that the rule "smile and you'll become happier" applies also to this. I have sunglasses, I'm listening to a really cool song that gives a firm beat to my walk and I'm going directly without looking around too much. It makes me appear more badass than when I'm without this camouflage, but I see more respect in people who are looking at me.
Anyway, these are my two tools in dealing with unwanted criticism. If anybody also has some tips, please share! I would be happy to learn them.