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The "Why" of Feeling Unwanted

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The "Why" of Feeling Unwanted

Postby trents » Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:52 pm

This is inspired by Skog's good question in his thread, "Feeling Unwelcome". I decided to start a new thread even though it is related, because I didn't want to get his thread off-topic.

Do any of you feel unwanted - by family, friends, the world at large, by God? Why do you think this is - did your parents act like they didn't want you around?

I very easily slip into a space of feeling unwanted, and I guess that's the same as feeling unwelcome. But when I replied to skog's thread, it seemed to hit a chord somewhere deep within. I wonder why I feel unwanted (I have many ideas)? I wonder, if I look deeper into the reasons "why" I feel this way, will it help me to resolve or let go of feeling this way? I think I feel this way because of childhood trauma stuff.
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Postby APD_Guy » Fri Jun 02, 2006 10:14 pm

I feel unwanted quite a bit. It's mostly by the world at large. I often feel unwelcome, not necessarily unwanted, with acquaintances, co-workers, etc. Perhaps even unwelcome doesn't describe it, maybe more like disincluded for lack of a better term.

I think the reason for this does have a lot to do with childhood trauma. I could list numerous things that I'm sure contributed to my feelings. I'm only beginning to realize how much of my childhood/adolescent trauma & issues are unresolved. Yes, at times my parents acted like they didn't want me around. Mostly it was peers though.
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Postby anon e moose » Sat Jun 03, 2006 7:47 am

i feel unwanted by everyone, i think they just don't want me around because i depress them...and that's not my imagination, a few people have actually come right out and said it (people i used to live with, people at work etc)...i think i just have a really sad, hopeless air about me and i can understand why noone would want to be around that...
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Re: The "Why" of Feeling Unwanted

Postby Skog » Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:40 am

Do any of you feel unwanted

I can't say I recall specific childhood events which may have triggered these feelings -- maybe someday I will realize somethings. Even if I could, though, that was long ago and people I work with have no connection to those events.

So what is it about me now that causes them to make me feel unwanted or unwelcome? nina touches on it, too. Why do AvPD people make others feel uncomfortable? I'm sure people could point to some things about my manner when I'm withdrawn, but for about 3 years I tried to be as outgoing and friendly as I could, but I still found myself repeatedly feeling like I'd been left out or was unwelcome.

I still think this is a mutual problem -- partly the avoidant's inaccurate perception of rejection, but also partly a failure of other's to communicate acceptance. I haven't come up with quite the correct analogy, but sometimes I think of it like hemophilia. If I had hemophilia and someone rough-housed with me a little too much, and I was injured and bloody more so than was expected, the hemophilia might explain why I was injured more than a "normal" person, but that still doesn't excuse the other person for having roughed me up in the first place.
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Postby trents » Sun Jun 04, 2006 5:54 am

For me, it's important to know what might have happened in my childhood to make me feel unwanted now.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. Kids that grow up in such homes tend to feel unwanted, in the way, and that feeling stays with them as adults. It helps me to persevere to know that there isn't actually something unloveable about me that keeps me virtually friendless. It helps to know that I am friendless because my perception keeps me that way.

If I can somehow reach that place within, where my 'inner child' rests, maybe I can let myself know that it wasn't my fault when my parents argued, it wasn't my fault that my dad spent money on booze instead of buying me new shoes when mine were falling apart. If I can heal this part of me, maybe I won't have that feeling of being unwanted anymore.
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Postby APD_Guy » Sun Jun 04, 2006 10:30 pm

Trence,

I hope that you can reach that place within and when you do tell yourself that it wasn't your fault. I grew up in a similar type of enviornment. There were many times when I did feel unwanted but there were many stages to what happenned. For the last part I didn't actually feel unwanted, I felt needed, to keep my mother from destroying herself. Children shouldn't be placed in that role. Children shouldn't have to endure suffering because their parents are unable to care for them. I hope you can heal that part of you. for me, that's only one of many things that I have to heal.
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Postby trents » Mon Jun 05, 2006 2:02 am

I hope you can heal that part of you. for me, that's only one of many things that I have to heal.


APDguy, I hear ya. It can be daunting to think of all the things that need healing. Where to start? When will it end? Is it worth even trying? These are questions that I think about. And yet I realize this line of questioning can be a trap of the ACA (adult children of alcoholics) mindset, because we tend to think in all-or-nothing, black-and-white scenarios. We have little ability to think of the process of life.

Today, for instance, I was with some friends from church, and I was keenly aware that I was monitoring. It was so uncomfortable, I was so uncomfortable, and I wondered if they could see I was monitoring: after I said something, I'd look frantically from face to face for some cue that they thought I was retarded. If they saw that I was doing this it probably made them feel uncomfortable. I HATE being like this, but I seem powerless to stop. If I was under the influence of alcohol or some drug, I probably wouldn't be so hypervigilant. But I don't want an addiction, either.

I guess I am thinking that all my bizarre behaviours related to AvPD, ACA, and PTSD all have childhood trauma at the core. If I can heal that, then all my other problems will be healed. Hopefully.
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Postby trents » Mon Jun 05, 2006 2:12 am

By the way, life seemed easier back when I was oblivious to having disorders. Before I had what seemed like a nervous breakdown two years ago, I could socialize. Of course, that's a lie. I thought I could, but that was only if I were drunk or drinking and only if I had a lover by my side. I am lost and always have been lost if I am on my own - though I need to take some comfort in knowing I am not as bad I used to be.

That was circular I know, sorry. I've been drinking too much caffeine - something which I know is bad for all my frigging problems. Arggggggghhhhh... sometimes I want to punch something. Or scream... :evil: :roll: :lol:
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Postby anon e moose » Mon Jun 05, 2006 2:19 am

caffeine is evil.....
says the girl who took like 40 caffeine pills yesterday...
makes me really anxious, but i am addicted as hell....
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Postby Skog » Mon Jun 05, 2006 11:50 am

trence wrote:By the way, life seemed easier back when I was oblivious to having disorders.



For years I thought of myself just as introverted. I usually only had one good friend. I would become friends by someone being put in a situation, such as assigned to do something with me at school, who would discover I was a nice person. I didn't think too much about whether there was anything wrong with me; it's the just way my life was.

It was 12 years ago when I decided I wanted someone to become my friend that my perspective changed. After I worked hard at trying to develop friendships, at first I thought I was achieving some success. It was frustratingly slow, though. It was after about 3 years when I began to notice I was doing all the work at trying to establish friendships and I felt like the objects of my attention weren't reciprocating that I really began to feel bad. That's when I started withdrawing. Life was easier when I wasn't trying to make friends. Now I can't go back and I haven't been successful in going forward.
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