I hope you can heal that part of you. for me, that's only one of many things that I have to heal.
APDguy, I hear ya. It can be daunting to think of all the things that need healing. Where to start? When will it end? Is it worth even trying? These are questions that I think about. And yet I realize this line of questioning can be a trap of the ACA (adult children of alcoholics) mindset, because we tend to think in all-or-nothing, black-and-white scenarios. We have little ability to think of the process of life.
Today, for instance, I was with some friends from church, and I was keenly aware that I was monitoring. It was so uncomfortable, I was so uncomfortable, and I wondered if they could see I was monitoring: after I said something, I'd look frantically from face to face for some cue that they thought I was retarded. If they saw that I was doing this it probably made them feel uncomfortable. I HATE being like this, but I seem powerless to stop. If I was under the influence of alcohol or some drug, I probably wouldn't be so hypervigilant. But I don't want an addiction, either.
I guess I am thinking that all my bizarre behaviours related to AvPD, ACA, and PTSD all have childhood trauma at the core. If I can heal that, then all my other problems will be healed. Hopefully.