The "Why" of Feeling Unwanted

trence wrote: I like big noses, I think they're hot. Very Happy

OMG, I am the same way. I like big noses. I even married someone with a big nose. Everyone else always makes fun of his nose (he does not care), but I find, it is his best feature.

Now to the thread topic "The why of feeling unwanted".
I mostly feel unwanted by groups of people, like they don't want me to part of their group. The reason is probably that my family was the outsider family in the village. We kids felt this, were bullied and excluded and all. It was partly the villagers fault, partly my parents. The village is beautiful, but I still feel inhibited when I visit and anger when I think of many of the people.
Some of them behave really nice now, but I don't want them now. Too little, too late.

Dragonfly.

P.S.: Went into this issue when talking with sister. Seem to be holding on to anger and negative feelings to spite/punish/not forgive the perpetrators. Problem: only I suffer. Second problem: cannot let go at this point, but know I have to.

Wow, I am so happy that I found this site and see that -at the end of the day- we all have similar fears, insecurities, worries etc.

I would like to know if anybody can relate to feeling unwanted, but on top of it unwanted although you are the one to leave a relationship, as if you actually did your partner a favor because they didn't know how to dump you? I have had this feeling throughout most of my life in most relationships and -although I have dated amazing and loving people- it has driven them nuts because subconsciously they could pick up on this insecurity/mistrust, I guess. It also goes to show that it wasn't about them, but that the pattern has always been there.

I would like to recommend "Family Constellation" work to people who would like to have a closer look at their family of origin and at how we are all energetically (and biologically) connected to our ancestors and how this can create our current "issues".

Anyway, good luck to you out here and be proud of yourselves to be so inquistive about what's underneath the surface, that takes courage!

I would like to know if anybody can relate to feeling unwanted, but on top of it unwanted although you are the one to leave a relationship, as if you actually did your partner a favor because they didn't know how to dump you? I have had this feeling throughout most of my life in most relationships and -although I have dated amazing and loving people- it has driven them nuts because subconsciously they could pick up on this insecurity/mistrust, I guess. It also goes to show that it wasn't about them, but that the pattern has always been there.

Yes! I always felt that in my marriage. I feel inadequate and I blame most of my marital problems on me and my own insecurities. Naturally though, I find myself fishing to find something wrong with my husband to say "ok, he's the one with the problem" but then deeper searching leads me to the same conculsion, that in fact it is because of me. Many many times I feel like what you say delirious, that I should just do him a favor and leave.
I feel unwanted EVERY DAMN DAY by him. He ignores me, doesn't love me, I think he only stays with me because we have kids and he feels responsible for me, and he doesn't want to disappoint his parents. but honestly, this feeling of being unwanted has really taken a toll on me. I have low self esteem, low confidence and have given up a lot of what made me a person. Now I have no uniqueness to me. This is what I play in my head everyday: " why bother? He doesn't want me. All he ever wanted was to be with X... he loved her...he was in love with her...and still is....I am sure he dreams about her everyday... he will never treat me like he treated her....I am such a failure...I am so stupid...Why did I ever think that he will want me? If he doesn't love me he never will...mabye I should just do him a favor and leave so he can get back with her..."
It's killing me. I have had these thoughts in my head for 7 years. I look much older than my age now, from all this stress. I don't know what I can do!! I am only prolonging the pain. Should I leave? I don't know.
Any thoughts on this matter welcome. Thanks.

Bigdeal_1 wrote:It's killing me. I have had these thoughts in my head for 7 years. I look much older than my age now, from all this stress. I don't know what I can do!! I am only prolonging the pain. Should I leave? I don't know.
Any thoughts on this matter welcome. Thanks.

Have you sought therapy? 7 years is an awful long time to allow yourself to remain in such pain, but you don't deserve it for another 7 years. I would try to see a therapist before I left the relationship. You do say that you blame most of your problems on your own insecurities, don't you think it would be worth seeing a therapist for help?

I can relate, because I am typically very insecure. My insecurity has led me not only into relationships with unsuitable people, but also has pushed partners away (which actually, in the end, was a good thing because they were unsuitable anyway!).

Now I am in a relationship with someone who is quite suitable, kind, loving, healthy. But I have still struggled with insecurity from day 1. The difference now is that I have been made aware of the false belief I have that I must have someone's completely undying, devoted love in order to be whole and happy. When I realize this is the root of my extreme anxiety in relationship, it relieves a lot of insecurity. Because it's completely unrealistic.

My bf is an independent person in control of his own destiny and choices. I have no control over him, so I must relinquish the idea that I "must" have his completely undying love and attention. It would be nice, and I will enjoy it one day at a time when it happens, but it's not realistic to demand. No human being can love someone that way 100% of the time.

It has helped me to discuss these feelings with a therapist, who could challenge my false beliefs. My tendency is to always expect the worst, to be prepared for the other shoe to drop. I think a solution is to step back when anxious, and see what false belief is underneath, and then challenge it vigorously.

Good luck, BD. I wish you the best.

trence wrote:Do any of you feel unwanted - by family, friends, the world at large, by God? Why do you think this is - did your parents act like they didn't want you around?

I get very strong feelings of being unwanted in social events, parties, school etc. I feel as if people are bored by me and what I have to say, so I usually keep quiet most of the time. I have a similar problem, though not as strong, with the few close friends I actually have. Even if they explicitly tell me "call me on saturday, let's hang out" I can not often bring myself to do so, out of fear of rejection. Even if I am hanging out with them and we're having a good time, that feeling never goes away completly.

I have never felt unwanted by my family, though. The only distinct "negative" feeling I have ever got from my parents is dissapointment (after three consecutive failures to complete high school), and that was several years after I started experiencing the symptoms of AVD.

God is a tricky one. I don't feel specifically unwanted by the christian God, but sometimes I feel as if powers which are beyond my grasp, both physically and mentally, are actively trying to sabotage my life. For example, it was very cold when I went out this morning, so I wore a warm jacket, but then it became hotter and I started sweating alot, and got sweatstains on my favorite t-shirt.

Despite of being aware of how irrational the notion is, I cant help but feel as if some power is trying to tell me "you're not welcome here". At the same time, this "power" does not appear to me as being malevolent, just acting according to its nature, dishing out inconveniences and little troubles for no appearent reasons other than that being what it is supposed to do, you know? As I said, It's a tricky one.

Tom_Paine wrote:

trence wrote:Do any of you feel unwanted - by family, friends, the world at large, by God? Why do you think this is - did your parents act like they didn't want you around?

I get very strong feelings of being unwanted in social events, parties, school etc. I feel as if people are bored by me and what I have to say, so I usually keep quiet most of the time. I have a similar problem, though not as strong, with the few close friends I actually have. Even if they explicitly tell me "call me on saturday, let's hang out" I can not often bring myself to do so, out of fear of rejection. Even if I am hanging out with them and we're having a good time, that feeling never goes away completly.

Hi Tom
Let's just take the first part, the part involving friends or acquaintances. What would or could they do or say differently that would be better for you? I respond pretty well to a direct invitation to me, as opposed to mere notice of a general invitation apparently extended to a lot of people. With the latter, I am more likely to convince myself that it really wasn't intended that I show up when the person said to a group "let's hang out," to use your example. If someone said to me directly, "come over on Saturday," or even "a group of us are getting together on Saturday, you should come, too," there is a much higher likelihood I would show up. Is it something like that you are talking about; or does something inside of you prevent you from participating even when you receive a direct, personal invitation?

Skog wrote:Hi Tom
Let's just take the first part, the part involving friends or acquaintances. What would or could they do or say differently that would be better for you? I respond pretty well to a direct invitation to me, as opposed to mere notice of a general invitation apparently extended to a lot of people. With the latter, I am more likely to convince myself that it really wasn't intended that I show up when the person said to a group "let's hang out," to use your example. If someone said to me directly, "come over on Saturday," or even "a group of us are getting together on Saturday, you should come, too," there is a much higher likelihood I would show up. Is it something like that you are talking about; or does something inside of you prevent you from participating even when you receive a direct, personal invitation?

I have a proble responding to both personal, direct invitations as well a more general ones. The feeling is not as pronounced when I am directly invited, but it is definetly present.

Tom_Paine wrote:I have a problem responding to both personal, direct invitations as well a more general ones. The feeling is not as pronounced when I am directly invited, but it is definitely present.

Does it help at all to think which is more rational - that the invitation is sincere or not? Why would someone directly invite you unless they meant for you to accept? Alternatively, whether you feel welcome or not, these are opportunities for you to break out of an avoidant pattern; can you decide in advance you are going to accept, automatically and without thinking about it, then do it so you can try to break the cycle of avoidance? I wish I could tell you these suggestions always work (I can't), but I can say they sometimes work for me.