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Feeling Unwelcome

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Feeling Unwelcome

Postby Skog » Thu Jun 01, 2006 5:22 pm

Do you find that other people make you feel unwelcome? I’m assuming this is a common AvPD experience.

If so, is it just us, or is it something other people subliminally do because they don’t really want to be around someone who has AvPD? It seems to me that sometimes people choose their words so they make me feel unwelcome. They don’t say “Have some birthday cake with us”; they say “There’s birthday cake at my desk.” The first statement is a direct invitation; the second is a declaratory sentence which may imply an invitation or may just imply a feeling of social obligation to tell me about the event. If I don’t show up for cake based on the second sentence, I’m sure the speaker would still feel polite and would take credit for having invited me, but perhaps without thinking about it the statement was made the second way because the speaker didn’t really care if I joined in the event.

I realize this is the monitoring of others characteristic of AvPD. That doesn’t disprove the premise, though. Maybe we are correctly perceiving the insincerity of others.
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Postby APD_Guy » Thu Jun 01, 2006 10:44 pm

I have experienced this. I've seen it done to other people though who I know aren't avoidant. I think it's just the way people react towards those who make them feel uncomfortable. To those with apd I'm sure it's very noticable because we're constantly re-evaluating our interactions.
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Postby sniffles » Fri Jun 02, 2006 7:54 am

i can't speak for americans but the brits ALWAYS have cake and junk at their desks and i've only ever heard them say "there's such and such at my desk" and not actually come have some. don't read into stuff more than there is, i know its really hard, but try to not nit-pick at ppl's sentences because we could all be guilty of saying things that can be misinterpretted due to a technicality like above, or by ambiguous statements.
i for one don't give a hoot for ppl around me- and i dont mean that in a nasty way but i mean that i just have a lot on in my own life that other ppl not directly involved in my life (like family or friends) take a total black out in the back of my brain. i don't even thinnk of them. and it's not to say they aren't important enough or that i'm more special than tehm but just that i dont have to give EVERYone that walks through my life my full undivided attention.
i hope what i said helped a bit...
"Without fear there is no courage"
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Re: Feeling Unwelcome

Postby anon e moose » Fri Jun 02, 2006 8:41 am

[quote="Skog"]They don’t say “Have some birthday cake with us”; they say “There’s birthday cake at my desk.” The first statement is a direct invitation; the second is a declaratory sentence which may imply an invitation or may just imply a feeling of social obligation to tell me about the event. quote]
yes, social obligation is the only reason most people talk to me i think...but to be honest, lately people are starting to not even bother feeling obliged to invite me to anything...i guess its because i say i'll come out places but never show up...
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Postby sniffles » Fri Jun 02, 2006 9:00 am

nina you just answered your question. ppl get fed up with inviting ppl places and they never go. it's actually in their eyes a slap in the face cos they think you don't like them or think you're better than them and so figure they will quit what they think is a waste of time on you. sux but there you have it. friendship is a 2 way street.
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Postby trents » Fri Jun 02, 2006 5:34 pm

I'm not a fan of saying that anyone makes me feel anything. I think I have an aversion to this sort of statement because family members have, in the past, accused me of "making them feel" certain ways. I certainly never intended to make them feel any negative way at all. And I think most people don't intend to be unwelcoming, we (at least I) just tend to read that into situations because I monitor and am hypersensitive to rejection.

I want people to extend personal invitations. Someone invites a group of people, of which I may be a member, and if the person doesn't look me square in the eyes when the invitation is made I will "feel" like I'm not really wanted. Because that's my default, that I am unwanted. It's hard crap to overcome.
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Re: Feeling Unwelcome

Postby Skog » Wed Jun 07, 2006 8:20 pm

(nina) wrote:
yes, social obligation is the only reason most people talk to me i think...


nina, have you ever showed up after getting the social obligation invitation? I have. People act surprised to see you. That always makes me feel all the more self-conscious that I wasn't intended to accept the invitation. It's kind of like my posting under "Pigeon-holed" that people have you placed in a category and their own conduct tends to keep you there because instead of acting accepting when you try to behave "normally," they act like it's too wierd and end up discouraging you from smiling, participating, etc.
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Postby Murby » Wed Jun 07, 2006 10:04 pm

Skog, I've noticed that some times people do this because they feel that you don't want the cake or dont want to be there. Their surprise is likley because you, being avoidant, usually don't participate in the social gatherings or only have a minimal participation level. People notice this stuff... and will normally assume that it is because you don't like them. This obviously isnt the case, and the whole situation can easily be explained by your avoidant personality. But most people dont even know about AvPD, so they think otherwise.

Show them you want to be around and they'll expect you to be there and (if they like you, which they probably will) they'll be happy to see you there.
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Postby Skog » Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:01 pm

Murby wrote:Show them you want to be around and they'll expect you to be there and (if they like you, which they probably will) they'll be happy to see you there.


Well, it's not that simple, but I understand your point. There was a time when I did show up and I stopped because I didn't feel welcome. I am going to try to find some opportunities to ask someone about what assumptions are made about me and why people don't seem to interpret situations the way I do. Maybe that will help me understand. Maybe it will help the person I ask to understand.
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Feeling Unwelcome

Postby Skog » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:36 pm

I still don't feel welcome. I'm hoping that will improve.
Well, I've now told a couple of people I work with about AvPD. I'm still uncertain whether I made a mistake or not. At first, neither one spoke to me. I was devastated. Then after a couple of days, one sent message that she was busy, but wanted to talk to me about it, and the other dropped by and had a "normal" conversation, but without any mention of the information I had provided about me. That only made me feel a little better, since I expected a prompt reaction either of support or rejection and not such ambivalence.
Both have had further conversations with me. I tried to be more blunt than I would prefer and came out and asked both why there wasn't the sort of direct reaction I would have given either of them. They just don't think the same way, I guess. The one I was already closer to said she was surprised as she had never seen me as avoidant; she just thought I was a particularly private person. The other said upon reading the material I had given her, that she could see similarities to my behavior and she hadn't promptly responded to my disclosure because she didn't know what to say, and when she did, she thought maybe just having a normal conversation was what I wanted.
It's still too close to when I've shared the information with them to see how this is going to turn out. Neither one is really avoiding me, but they don't seem to appreciate how insecure I am and that what would make be feel more secure at the moment would be increased attention initiated by them. I don't want to be the one to seek them out and start a conversation, right now. It was very hard to make the disclosure, and worrying about whether I made a horrible mistake makes it harder to also have to initiate socializing with them, when I'm still busy monitoring whether they're just putting up with out of guilt or pity, or actually like me being around.
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