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AvPD effects on a spouse

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AvPD effects on a spouse

Postby only_the_lonely » Thu May 30, 2013 1:39 pm

I've done the bad thing and self-diagnosed. I'm about to try and pull myself together and contact my GP about pursuing this further. I discovered AvPD by accident after a few days of looking at information to see if I could figure out why I'm so screwed up about intimacy.

It all came about after yet another fight about initiating. My wife can't understand why I don't and it makes her feel like I don't desire her. Until reading into AvPD I didn't really understand why I can't initiate. I'll make up every excuse under the sun about why I can't, so I can completely understand why she thinks I don't want her.

It has taken me down the angle of thinking about what living with me must be like, which I guess fits perfectly with the level of self-analysis that I do constantly.

I still haven't told her what I've found yet. It's so hard to tell her and look even more broken than I am already. She's put up with me for 18 years and we have 3 kids. It's really hard to try and explain that I remember our first fight more strongly than our wedding, and what I do remember of our wedding is mainly my level of nerves and anxiety. Considering that we went to Barbados to get married and we had no other people in attendance apart from two witnesses that we met in the registry office there. It was about as low-key as you can get for a wedding and yet I was so full of insecurities.

So, how many others here are in long-term committed relationships? And how does your other half cope?

Thanks.
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Re: AvPD effects on a spouse

Postby Parador » Thu May 30, 2013 4:58 pm

I don't even uderstand how anyone could date much less mate and breed. I can only initiate by giving a hooker $200 cash. And she has to be a very hot hooker.

Why not tell your wife that you feel like she doesn;t desire you? Or that you feel you are not good enough for her? You don;t need to know you have avpd to know what you are feeling.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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Re: AvPD effects on a spouse

Postby cyclingfreak » Thu May 30, 2013 5:35 pm

Hi Only-the-lonely, May I just say that as the friend of someone whom I feel has avpd that I think it's great that you've identified this but hope that you will go and get it formally diagnosed. I feel that recognising that you have problems with intimacy is a huge and very brave step and I think that your wife will be very proud of you. Having recognised that there is a problem you will have a chance of dealing with it. I think that actually wanting to deal with it is a massive step and not the sign of someone who is broken, but of someone who is really gutsy and wants to improve both their own life and that of their loved ones. Very good luck. :)
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Re: AvPD effects on a spouse

Postby only_the_lonely » Fri May 31, 2013 8:07 am

Hi cyclingfreak,

I've seen your other threads and figured you might be one of the people to relate to this thread. It's very useful to get the perspective from the other side and if I can provide any information, ask away (can't guarantee being completely open with answers, but I'll try).

We actually sat down and talked about it last night. I eventually emailed her (how sad is that?!) providing as much information as I could find on AvPD with parts of my feelings in amongst it. She agreed that the picture of AvPD did look completely like me, but it still wasn't enough to lift her feelings of me not wanting her.

What did open her eyes a bit was that while talking I forced myself to be honest about what I was feeling and thinking at each stage of the conversation. Which included things like me saying 'this is what I think I'm picking up from your non-verbal cues' and took her through some of the sudden spirals of feelings that I have, normally terminating in self-loathing. She was quite shocked and quite often I was trying to extract information that wasn't there. The old looking for rejection even if it's not there.

What she also didn't realise was how much anxiety I have with what other people would consider simple things. That anxiety builds and makes me hide and pull away from everyone. I have no idea I'm doing it and it's really hard for her. So I would say that to try and be with someone with AvPD must take a huge amount of patience and understanding. I would also say that you would need to have a lot of confidence to not immediately assume your friend doesn't want to have anything to do with you.

My biggest thing that has tipped the balance is the dawning realisation of what I'm like with our kids. I'm totally distant with them as well. Just like my parents were with me...
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