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Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby OneLiner » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:48 pm

It used to happen to me all the time. But since I have isolated myself to the max, I am in peace with those things. It seems it may have been triggered by social interactions that were unhealthy to me. The memories had nothing to do with the situation, but were old guilts that I had. They still come, but I don't really care about them, since they have no bearing in my life anymore. Just some social guilts that do not matter anymore. I just say to myself "screw them" and that's about it.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby NoOneKnowsMe » Fri Jul 15, 2011 1:38 am

Happens all the time! I rarely go back to things that happen years ago (unless they were very traumatic) but a day or two after the event I'll think back and second guess things I said, criticize myself for not saying one thing or another. It literally occupies my mind nonstop!

One thing that I've learned to do in recent years is to remind myself that no one is sitting at home analyzing the situation, thinking about me and being as critical on myself as I am. And usually when I remind myself that, the feeling lessons and I go on with my day.

There is definitely a benefit to realizing you are your own worst enemy. :) I've learned that, but I still can't stop obsessing over the past. Argh! :)
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby lam2m » Fri Jul 15, 2011 4:34 pm

Yes! All the time with everything from small things like how I think I sounded dumb on the phone or bigger ones like being at a party I went to a year ago where I was drunk enough to dance, and I know I must have looked like a complete fool. So embarressing! I think the aftermath of going to social situations is worse than the situation itself. I comb over every detail of what I said or did that might have been somewhat questionable and wonder if anyone thought that I was an idiot or a loser. I hate it, I wish I could just let it go and forget, but the memories always creep back. Part of it is that I drink to become more sociable and then, well I tend to say and do more stupid things when intoxicated.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby Parador » Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:12 pm

Sure - I still stuff from high school that comes up like mental bile. The coputer science teacher calling me saying he was tired of seeing my zitty face and calling me repulsive. I said to everyone in the romm "Hey did you here that? I'm REPULSIVE!" Then as I'm leaving the room he said "you even have zits on you earlobes" and I said "I've got some on my butt too - wanna see??!!" Then I act like I'm going to pull down my pants. Then he yelled "GET OUT!" and I left pretty quicky. I remember the Principal saying it's not an insult if it's true. I remember getting called into his office all the time and being accused of things like being a chronic masturbator. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I started yellin"FAT FACE FAT FACE FAT FACE!!!" at him. He did have a big fat stupid looking face. Those things run through my head 'fat face fat face... and I'm REPULSIVE" Sometimes I even vocalize them. Then there's the stuf the assistant principal did. I remember one day I just did that routine where I repeated everything he said. Finally he started yelling "SHUT UP SHUT UP" I just repeated that until he told me I could go.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby lain » Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:37 am

no dx here but i saw the title and had to read it and what people are describing is horribly familiar.
this $#%^ has caused me to cut myself off from literally every friend i had.
it feels like the only memories i have are of embarrassment i've caused myself and horrible stupid unthinking things i've said and done to other people. the worst ones are when im convinced people were openly commenting on how terrible i was (and i do have some truly awful things hidden inside that would deserve all the disgust and mockery they could muster, but thats for another section) but i was too stupid or stoned to notice or if i did i just pretended everything was OK just to cope. i've gone over this stuff so much in my head im not even sure im remembering anything remotely like what actually happened and the really bad recent ones im not sure if they even happened at all. i was so out of it and paranoid or whatever at the time i could easily have been interpreting their normal conversation as insults and there are a few things that in my more logical times i think were just pure hallucination. then i feel even more ashamed for thinking these horrible things about my friends who were probably confused and worried by how i was acting.
there have been times when i was with people i just got stuck in these looping thoughts about things from the past and what i was doing at the time and completely locked up and have no idea what was happening around me or how long it went on which just provides more fodder for worrying.
i want to to get back in touch and maybe try to explain what was going on and apologise for any harm i might have caused but when i try i can't shake the feeling its all as bad as i think and fall back into obsessing over it all. even if i could talk to them i don't think i could ever shake the feeling they're just humouring me despite me being as big an arsehole as i think i am which just sets off more shame at my mistrust.

sorry for being so rambling.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby Existentialist » Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:52 am

I obsess over bad memories, not embarrasing ones. I don't know why I can't let them go. My therapist says I use them as a means of coping but that never made sense to me.

Examples:

-- When I was in one of the three orphanage/boaring homes growing up, someone wrote my name on the wall in my room and kept doing it. This happened when I was 7. This is actually one of my earliest and most vivid memories I recall to this day(now being 46). I used to really get into trouble and would have to wash it off and was scolded constantly. I did not do it and obviosly one of the other 3 kids did. I was always fearful of this happening. One day it just stopped. I dont know why someone did that or what their motivation was. Even then, being young, I couldn't figure out what the floor monitors and staff were that stupid. Why would I write my own name on the wall behind my own bed? Hello? Is anyone home? Are you that stupid?

-- When I was about 8, we had three Big Wheels available in the play yard---little three-wheeled type vehicle little kids had and would ride around. One day, one of them was somehow trashed and I was accused of breaking it and got punished for it and bullied by other kids something fierce over it, because there were now only two big wheels and they would not replace the broke one. I did not do it. Someone else broke it and pinned it on me.

-- When I was younger, I was often bullied and the brunt of taunts and physical bullying. When I was 13, we were on a camping trip at a nearby lake. Everyone kept telling me that a girl liked me and had a crush on me. I didnt know if it was true or not. They said it just to get me to come to the lake and when I got there, they started pelting me with water balloons and I got picked up and thrown in the lake as a prank. The girl was there too and was laughing. It was a very humiliating and degrading experience and still kind of haunts me. I think it was then that I really started to get unwired and something in me snapped or something.

I don't know why i can't let memories like these go. They are kind of always in the back of my mind.

When I hear about news like Columbine and such, I can relate to these kids going off. I don't condone their actions and don't think I could do that but bullying totally messes with your psyche to the point that you will do one of two things: Withdrawl like I did, or act out and seek vengeance. Fortunately, I chose the former as my coping mechanism. Childhood bullying is a serious thing.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby OneLiner » Sun Jul 17, 2011 5:00 am

Existentialist wrote:When I hear about news like Columbine and such, I can relate to these kids going off. I don't condone their actions and don't think I could do that but bullying totally messes with your psyche to the point that you will do one of two things: Withdrawl like I did, or act out and seek vengeance. Fortunately, I chose the former as my coping mechanism. Childhood bullying is a serious thing.

^ +1
I desired love and fellowship, and I was still spurned. Was there no injustice in this? Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me?
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby Existentialist » Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:47 am

OneLiner wrote:
Existentialist wrote:When I hear about news like Columbine and such, I can relate to these kids going off. I don't condone their actions and don't think I could do that but bullying totally messes with your psyche to the point that you will do one of two things: Withdrawl like I did, or act out and seek vengeance. Fortunately, I chose the former as my coping mechanism. Childhood bullying is a serious thing.

^ +1



Well, I am a bit ashamed of admitting this but I remember when the violent incidents in schools staring happening and it was always kids who ahd been bullied going off in violent ways. My reaction was a bit over the top. I now certainly feel bad for the victims of such tragedies but I have to admit my first reaction was uncharacterstic of my general personality. I am not violent and do not agree with violence as a means to an end. However, I was going through troubles at the time and was overwhelmed and these memories really haunted me. When I first heard of Columbine and the kids who did it and their reason, my honest reaction at first was kind of like personal vindication or soemthing, "Yes ! Reap the whirlwind mother fu&$%@s!. Reap it. You reap what you sow." When I learned that the shooting was indiscriinate and most of the kids had nothing to do with bullying, I felt bad about it. As far as the actual bullies who got shot, I honestly didn't care. F them---nice shot-- was my attitude. Payback is a bitch. They played with fire and it came back to haunt them. Again, I would not do such a thing but am just being honest. It was kind of like some sort of payback fantasy lived through someone else's actions.

To this day I cannot stand to see people bullied. My bullying stopped in my teen eyars as I grew physically. I was never really overweight as I work out a lot but I was always stocky build and I guess a bit imposing. A I grew, other kids pretty much left me alone and never really challenged me in my highschool years. I also just kept to myself and withdrew. They also knew I was in the hospital when I was 15 as I tried sucide. I think people were afraid of me as I thought I was nuts and would go off.
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby OneLiner » Sun Jul 17, 2011 7:31 am

Yeah, for the shooting the person blew out a fuse and it is a tragedy, and i have compassion for the victims.
But what I find bothering in those type of things is that nobody else is taking responsibility for allowing bullying in schools to the point of those things happening. In many cases, the school direction and the teaching body are complicit in those acts, at least by doing nothing.
I also saw from my own eyes some people bullying a person that was in psychological trouble due to a divorce. The guy killed himself. But he very well could have brought some people with him as well. One of the bullying girl was actually bragging at having pushed a guy who had done nothing wrong to suicide.
But I don't want to go OT here. I just wanted to share this story.
I desired love and fellowship, and I was still spurned. Was there no injustice in this? Am I to be thought the only criminal, when all humankind sinned against me?
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Re: Do you obsess over embarrassing memories?

Postby Existentialist » Sun Jul 17, 2011 4:20 pm

OneLiner wrote:Yeah, for the shooting the person blew out a fuse and it is a tragedy, and i have compassion for the victims.
But what I find bothering in those type of things is that nobody else is taking responsibility for allowing bullying in schools to the point of those things happening. In many cases, the school direction and the teaching body are complicit in those acts, at least by doing nothing.
I also saw from my own eyes some people bullying a person that was in psychological trouble due to a divorce. The guy killed himself. But he very well could have brought some people with him as well. One of the bullying girl was actually bragging at having pushed a guy who had done nothing wrong to suicide.
But I don't want to go OT here. I just wanted to share this story.


Well, I think there is awareness today and schools take bullying seriously. We even read about internet bullying and the trouble it causes. Also, given the rash of violent incidents, I wonder now if the kids who do the bullying might be reluictant to take it too far with the idea in the back of their mind that their victim might one day have had enough and show up to school packing.

Kids can be cruel. Looking back at it today I can see that these kids lacked the maturity to understand how their actions influenced others. In High School, there was one kid who had a physical disability and walked with a limp and was in special education classes for a learning disability. Some of the kids were ruthless and brutal towards that poor fellow and he got harassed every day. Some of the punk kids would bash him into a locker or just punch him in the arm as he walked by in the hall.
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