I obsess over bad memories, not embarrasing ones. I don't know why I can't let them go. My therapist says I use them as a means of coping but that never made sense to me.
-- When I was in one of the three orphanage/boaring homes growing up, someone wrote my name on the wall in my room and kept doing it. This happened when I was 7. This is actually one of my earliest and most vivid memories I recall to this day(now being 46). I used to really get into trouble and would have to wash it off and was scolded constantly. I did not do it and obviosly one of the other 3 kids did. I was always fearful of this happening. One day it just stopped. I dont know why someone did that or what their motivation was. Even then, being young, I couldn't figure out what the floor monitors and staff were that stupid. Why would I write my own name on the wall behind my own bed? Hello? Is anyone home? Are you that stupid?
-- When I was about 8, we had three Big Wheels available in the play yard---little three-wheeled type vehicle little kids had and would ride around. One day, one of them was somehow trashed and I was accused of breaking it and got punished for it and bullied by other kids something fierce over it, because there were now only two big wheels and they would not replace the broke one. I did not do it. Someone else broke it and pinned it on me.
-- When I was younger, I was often bullied and the brunt of taunts and physical bullying. When I was 13, we were on a camping trip at a nearby lake. Everyone kept telling me that a girl liked me and had a crush on me. I didnt know if it was true or not. They said it just to get me to come to the lake and when I got there, they started pelting me with water balloons and I got picked up and thrown in the lake as a prank. The girl was there too and was laughing. It was a very humiliating and degrading experience and still kind of haunts me. I think it was then that I really started to get unwired and something in me snapped or something.
I don't know why i can't let memories like these go. They are kind of always in the back of my mind.
When I hear about news like Columbine and such, I can relate to these kids going off. I don't condone their actions and don't think I could do that but bullying totally messes with your psyche to the point that you will do one of two things: Withdrawl like I did, or act out and seek vengeance. Fortunately, I chose the former as my coping mechanism. Childhood bullying is a serious thing.
“Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn't come here. ”
--Arthur C Clarke