I have ADHD and my anger is really uncontrollable. I get angry over small things. I'm a really jealous gf and I told my bf to throw away (and delete, on social medias) everything about his ex when I hang pictures of me and the guys I cheat with lol. I don't like it when my bf goes out with his friends and I really hate them. I also hate it when he spends time with his cousins. I even got angry when he went to his cousin's graduation. I often tell him to die (sometimes in front of my grandmother) and hit him, and tell him my fantasy about how I will kill him and everyone around him. I told him that his friend's mother slept with a pig. I tell him a lot about killing his friends and how useless they are. He's useless too and I often tell him about that. I don't yell at him when I'm angry. I smile keep my voice sweet but he still cries. Whenever we fight, I say mean things about killing someone (something like "i wanna behead you and use ur head as my dog's toy") online to let everyone knows how angry I am. I don't even think I love him. I need him because he's the only friend that I have. Sometimes I cheat with a friend but he doesn't know, although I lowkey want him to know. But I always tell him I never lie to him and he believes it and now I'm sure he thinks that he lies a lot and the only bad thing I do is being an overprotective but abusive girl haha.
And I also hate everyone else. I think everyone else is stupid and I always feel superior (because they always show me their stupidity). I only have one close friend, literally one. I have some college friends but I think they hate me??? I don't really care though as long as my grades are better than them. I want everyone to die except people who are useful to me. I used to have so many friends because I admit I'm funny and I WAS friendly but it was before all my friends left me because I don't know why.
I can say that I'm a violent person, an abusive partner. I always feel the need to harm others or myself. I self harm. I threaten my bf to kill myself if he leaves me. I cut myself in front of him once, in a fight, and he cried and said sorry after that. I scratch my bf's nape with scissors once and I often threaten him with a knife. I never really care about people except children, elders, and my close family. If my bf die I won't even be sad. Even though I hate people and want to kill them, I really love animals and often cry whenever I see stray cats or dogs.
My bf also said my thoughts about killing (I often write them down) weren't normal and were really mean and harsh but I think they're really beautiful. I'm romantic and poetic, actually.
I want to know if ADHD causes my behaviour or is it normal anger. Or is this something worse than ADHD?