Defining "love" in an AS brain

I've been in a long-term relationship with an AS man for about 2 years, and I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. Except for that one unfortunate time I tried to change the radio in his car ( ), we've only ever had two real fights... but we've had them repeatedly. A little over a year ago I told him I loved him. Not only has he never said it or even implied it back, but after that morning all the sex in relationship stopped.

Some things I should note: 1) he has never been diagnosed by a doctor, but I am confident he has AS. I've NEVER heard him use the word "feel." He doesn't exhibit or read facial expressions, to the point that I have to remind him to smile in pictures. He has genuinely tried to have conversations with me about the "love" thing, but almost all of them have ended in "I don't know." Our most successful conversations are via email or text, when he has time to think through responses, and if I use the words "wish" or "feel," they immediately end. He went through at least 15 jobs (that I've counted so far) during high school and college, all of which he got fired from for being either late or unapologetic. 2) I am not the type to discuss feelings. Largely, I find those conversations unnecessary. But this is a big one. 3) There is absolutely no way I could ever suggest to him that I think he has AS. He would get extremely defensive and completely shut down.

One of the most illuminating things he has written is that he doesn't know how to tell if he loves me or not, so he can't say it if he's not sure it's true. I could go on with the sappy stuff all day, but I won't because it's not that interesting, so I'll just leave it with... there's a reason I'm still with him. I think he loves me, he just doesn't know how to apply the word.

I have to use the Aspie "F" word to describe this next part... but all in all, this makes me feel vulnerable and constantly rejected. Love is just a word, and I've told myself countless times that his actions are far more important, but it is still somehow so important to KNOW that there is reciprocity. That he looks at our relationship the same way I do. That he's not just talking to me because he finds me amusing. He says someday he wants a wife and a family (generically, this conversation was not about the two of us specifically), and he agrees that objectively he will have to find a way to define love to himself before achieving those milestones.

There seem to be so many AS people on here who eloquent and comfortable with communicating about emotions, that I am hoping someone here will be able to explain it to me. Slowly. Using small words. How do YOU define love and know it's what you feel for your partners? Because I'm confused and unsure of how to proceed. Do I stick it out? Is he worth even more patience? Is a year already too long? I know I want to spend my life with this man, but is there even a chance he will ever come to same realization about me?

Thanks in advance for any insights.

I wish I could help with the definition of "love", because it's been very differently defined for me for most of my life. I have a harder time defining love in relation to the difference between that and being a friend. I know I "love" my father. I don't really express it all that well to him (something he's got used to), but I still rely upon him. My best friend, I rely on too...but I wouldn't say I 'love' him really. In terms of romantic love...that's harder. I've been attracted to a number of people in the past, and some I formed pseudo-relationships with. Did I love them? To be honest...I'm not sure, but given recent events that got me thinking more, I'd have to say the answer to that is "no". There's an AS person I care a lot about right now. I don't know how she feels about me. Do I 'love' her? I really don't know. I spend far more time working with her (thinking, talking to, doing stuff with, etc) than I have with most anyone else that I thought I was attracted to combined.

The only reason I gave so much information here is hopefully some of it kinda will help you make sense of your BF.

In terms of emotions in general, I think everyone has them. It kinda comes down to "freezing" about knowing how to express those emotions to others. I don't know what causes this, but I suspect it comes down to more nervousness about how it'll be interpreted..so there's just too much thought that goes into it. Personally, I have a hard time expressing my emotions even to my father...and there have been arguments with him where it turned into a threshold thing. As in, he pushes the right set of emotional buttons that make me kinda lose it. It's rare that it happens, but when it does, I stop thinking about how things will be interpreted and just act. A similar situation happened with the AS-person I know...she told me something, well, it was disturbing. It actually hurt..well, a lot of what she said recently hurt. Kinda lost control of my emotions, and it turned out to be a bit of a fight...I'm not sure how well we'll recover from it.

I'm kinda deviating from the original question.

In short, I think it comes down to how to express certain emotions, and that the definition of some emotions just are kinda ambiguous. I'd try to be patient with the situation (which it sounds like you are), and give your BF time to explore the question more. My guess is that he cares about you, or he wouldn't even associate with you. Gotta remember that social connections are less "necessary" among AS-ers.

love is something i do to other ppl
i don't love never did never will
i don't have a problem with that if i want to i can fake it (hell i fake it 90%of the time i wear a mask of sanity)
it's hard to keep it under controle if i'm playing someone but i try not to hurt annyone
(other than they like me so much they want more and i'm bored and move on)
actualy i wanted someone to see me for what i realy am and that did not work out so i got to wear the mask
i told here after i was a sociopath she was thinking i'm an aspie
(i'm diagnosed sociopath but ther's no need to tell here that can only hurt here and i'm not always nice)
actualy bad day at work truckdrive blaming me for something that i cannot help (actualy made the truckdrive nearly cry once and it would be realy eazy for me to do so again but i didn't)
he looks like a narc they keept pretending they are strong even if they know they are not traped in there own world repeating the same over and over hoping for a difrend result.
realy got to learn not to let my satan out at work

Hi "struggling", I'm a woman who has AS and married to an NT, so I'll try to answer from my personal experience.
I was married for a long time to someone else who I "thought" I loved when we married, but it turned out I merely "needed" him at the moment and mistook it for love. Therefore the feeling did not last past the point where I needed him around. Point being, as an aspie I often have a hard time identifying my feelings. I HAVE them, I just don't know how to identify them.
There's two sayings about love that I've heard that make sense to me (Oh yeah, another thing about aspies, we have to put everything in "logical" terms, even feelings and love!).... One was: "Love is when the health and happines of another person is essential to your own happiness". Makes sense! Of course this covers all types of love including love for your family and friends. But, it's something logical that we can put our finger on.
The other saying I heard recently is: "Immature love says "I love you because I need you", mature love says "I need you because I love you"". This made a lot of sense to me because that's where I went wrong the first time and it's where I went right this time! (I don't "need" my current husband except for the fact that I love him, and that's what keeps it going!)

I'm not sure how all that might help you, but here's a thought: Sometimes when you can't find the right answer, it's because you're asking the wrong question. You're asking him if he loves you, but that's too elusive a concept for him to grasp and give an answer to. Maybe you can think of what love means you to ask him more specific questions about it, for instance, ask: "if was sick would you want to take care of me?" (i.e. things that people in love would want to do)
Hope that makes sense?

Love is a emotion to me. We expect each-other for our requirements. In this commercial age true love is rare and only lucky can get it, but nobody can achieve it.

oh yes that need i defendly know "love" (need/want for lack of a better word) with out empathy is verry wierd.
it's more a logical decision than an emotional but try explaining that lol
i never use the word love but want (only had to use that once) funy thing is after a "realtionschip" is done i have no hard fealings and still think that she was everything i wanted in a woman and no regrets
(i still told here best friend all the "bad" things i did and hit on one other friend of here i just couldend rezist)

We love, we're just very odd at it.


<(")

Tofayel wrote:Love is a emotion to me. We expect each-other for our requirements. In this commercial age true love is rare and only lucky can get it, but nobody can achieve it.

Sorry for off-topic (not related to AS) but... let me put it this way: True Love = True Happiness = True "Pain" - i was grateful for the happiness it brings but more pain and the worst i felt so far... well - Love can make you feel "very unlucky" if you end-up in a very complicated love (i found true love in a person that's on the other side of the world - from where i live... wile - i'm at a point where I'm strangling to put my life together - cause it's all in bits and pieces scattered in all direction) wile your life was already complicated.

...so luck has nothing do with it - unless you fall in love with the right person, at the right place and at the right time... now that's "Luck" - for those that have to make it work... well "they're making their own luck - even struggling with it...".

..again - sorry for the Off-topic... i just had to say this...

I don't think that's off topic, it added a contrasting viewpoint to a previous post.

"Love" may seem shallow for some, such as just being simply a chemical reaction in the brain that brings animals together for the purpose of procreation, but I don't agree with that viewpoint. I guess "true" love for me is love that is beyond, or further than that of sex. Almost like a dependence on each other, in some way.

Of course, this could be friendship as well..as i said before, but maybe really close friends "love" each other in a more true sense than many relationships.

I read posts like this and think these guys are weird, even though I have AS. I use honesty primarily but if a girl had already told me she loved me id just say it back. It might be awkward though, well, probably.