You're 100% correct. There's the mental aspect that takes up most of the training. However, I haven't had the chance to be exposed to the mental aspect of military training and know little about it other than the fact that it's grueling and I'll never get to experience it and prove myself capable of it. I'm not sure how I can use civilian life to prove any kind of mental toughness. It's just another 50-60 years of quotidian boredom that I have to pretend I give a damn about. Doesn't really lead to anything and all seems kinda pointless. Well, that's all I can seem to think about it anyway.
I'm just f**king angry about everything. Like I said, my sister is on her way to do an awesome job in the Navy. I'm so happy for her, she's tough and she's smart and she deserves that job. But the fact that I'm not able to go do the same makes me so embarrassed to be who I am.
I worked my ar$e off all through my teens making sure that when I turn 18, I'm fit, I'm ready, I'm prepared. I can swim like a pro, I can climb a 60ft rope in a matter of seconds, run for miles in combat boots. I can vault over obstacles and scale walls. I know how to polish boots, iron clothes to perfection. I can do hundreds of push ups, sit ups and at one point 78 pull ups. I've boxed, done wrestling, krav maga, Brazilian jujitsu and can kick many as$es. I know the etiquette and exactly what to expect. When I get there, I'm going to be the best recruit there, I'll make sergeant and get my green "mofo-ing" breret!
before any of them and make them all look like slobs in comparison to me. They ain't got s**t on me! I don't have any close friends but I don't need them, my career is my life.... "Sorry... No Asperger's allowed. Why don't you go get an office job?" WHAT?!?
I like pain and discomfort. It's those things that make you feel alive. I'm not afraid to die, I don't want to and I'd try survive. But I'm not going to be cowering behind a rock if a fire fight were to break out. It's not depression, I'd rather die like that at 25 years old, than live to 90 to know that I was a coward who didn't have the balls to join and serve.
I understand what you're saying. This is a challenge and I need to learn to adapt to this. I'm just not sure what to think... it's really confusing. Just tonnes of cognitive dissonance that probably turns into anger when I'm not sure what to even write here any more. I just don't f**king know.
I think it's very admirable to work towards the things you want, but... I just don't know where to go from here or what to do.
Live as normal a life as a civilian as you can. There is your grueling mental training. Take responsibility and work your issues out, and live a decent life. it won't be easy, that's were your mental toughness comes in. Use the civilian NT world as your mental training. Just because you cant get INTO the military, doesn't mean you can't do some of the stuff on your own, or find some ROTC folk to do it with.
If you want some truly challenging challenges, be happy without being in the military. Isn't that what the military training is about? being able to make it, regardless of the obstacle? Treat civilian life as if it was the military. You don't have to give up completely on that dream.
Anything else you enjoy? maybe you could treat a business job as the military ranking. Treat CEO as a top rank officer, and work to obtain that.
You have to treat your environment as you would like it to be. In your case, treat it as if the civilian world is in fact the military. But only you will be able to figure that out.
I plan on going into nursing. I treat everything like a human studies issue. I think like a health professional when I can. Someone says their foot hurts, I try to figure out why.
I wanted to go into personal training. That would be my ideal job, not nursing, not business, personal training. That's where I would be the happiest working. I have never made lower than a 90% on a practice test and I have taken over 10, with some of those test getting into chemistry and the cellular level of how things work. I never took classes for it, I studied that stuff on my free time because I enjoyed it so much. But guess what? I can't do it. I don't have the social skills for it. I don't have the charisma and talking ability to market myself and keep conversations going for hours on end. It bummed me out finding out I wouldn't be able to do it. But I couldn't dwell on it for the rest of my life. I HAD to find something else I could enjoy, even if it would never be personal training. If I did not, the rest of my life would suck, and I may get stuck doing something I would hate hate hate worse than if I were to get off my butt and find something else I could possibly enjoy. And I found nursing.
It sucks to not be able to do what you feel you are made for. But you can't stop your life because of it, and hate yourself because of it.
If your not able to get into therapy sessions, stay here. Ask around here how people deal with the issues. Ive actually found out a good bit about myself just by posting here. Camelidae can make you think about yourself. Shes helped me a good bit here. CTOA is a good person to talk to also. Just listen, read, ask questions and someone will be able to help you. You can't spend the rest of your life hating AS, or making excuses for not doing anything with your life. You can live a decent life with AS, it all depends on if your willing to do the work. And if your willing to go into military as a career, I don't see why you don't have the power to work on yourself and overcome this.
How are your socializing skills? You can likely teach classes over what you have learned. Maybe a personal trainer? teach boxing, wrestling, krav maga, Brazilian jujitsu? Your arrogant about your abilities, and I like it. Tell the military to ###$ off, and create your own path to utilize your abilities.
adapt your training you did to get into the military for something else.
I don't hate you, but I can't allow you to say things like " cleanse the planet". Quite a few people here are good people, and it upsets me that you would eradicate them because of something you were born with. I understand your angry, but if your willing to do something about it, we can move forward. I'm always open to give suggestions or help you out the best I can.
Confidence comes from within you. Nothing you do chances the feelings about yourself. If you have an elephant load of confidence because your a soldier, you had the confidence the whole time. you were just holding yourself back. military or not, If you would have the confidence in one, you should have it in the other.