Our partner

Apologizing.

Asperger's Syndrome message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: TDT

Apologizing.

Postby Camelidae » Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:44 pm

Today I did something that was perceived as troublesome to a friend of the family. I´m told I have to apologize. I´m not planning on doing that since I don´t feel sorry and I don´t see the point in saying it without meaning it. Apparently, those are no strong points because whenever the subject of apologizing comes up, people tell me I will have to be able to do it all the time "later in life" even if I don´t mean it. Wtf.

I´m wondering, do you (in general, as I won´t in this case) have to apologize for something you did not do intentionally but that still hurt someone? How could I feel sorry about something I did not even mean to do? It´s like saying sorry for something I did not even do in the first place.

How do I go about saying I´m sorry (if I don´t mean it as well as if I do mean it)?

Is there a way of wording it in a way that makes it sound as if I was sorry even when I´m not? I usually go with "that´s bad" or something without explicitely saying I´m sorry because, usually, I´m not and this way I won´t have to lie (I don´t have to say "I think it´s bad" now do I?)

What face do I have to make? I really have to watch out or I will go into hysterics. There is just something about offended people that I find extremely amusing and it is very hard to hold it back.

-Camelidae
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
Camelidae
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:46 pm
Local time: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:20 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Apologizing.

Postby positivelyportrayed » Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:59 pm

Interesting one ... I have had a tendency to speak a little too truthfully in the past, not realising that the honest answer was perhaps not the most diplomatic. However, if you feel you are right, I don't think you need to apologise for that - instead, what I tend to do is apologise for upsetting someone's feelings. I never intentionally offend people or upset their feelings, but if I do, then I have no problem apologising for the offence, but what I am more stubbourn about is apologising for the factual aspect, if I still feel I was right.

Does that make sense? As an example, a few years ago my brother phoned up a little the worse for wear on alcohol. He wasn't very nice and started to say some unjustified things, to which I gave some honest answers. He was - unfortunately - very upset. It was resolved by me apoloigsising for the upset caused (unintentional), although I refuse - to this day - to retract what I said because it was true. He apologised for being out of order - all has been well since. As for faces, I'm not sure.

This is only my approach - I am interested in hearing others :)
User avatar
positivelyportrayed
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:04 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 7:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby zausel » Wed Feb 22, 2012 9:22 pm

Camelidae wrote:Today I did something that was perceived as troublesome to a friend of the family. I´m told I have to apologize. I´m not planning on doing that since I don´t feel sorry and I don´t see the point in saying it without meaning it. Apparently, those are no strong points because whenever the subject of apologizing comes up, people tell me I will have to be able to do it all the time "later in life" even if I don´t mean it. Wtf.

I´m wondering, do you (in general, as I won´t in this case) have to apologize for something you did not do intentionally but that still hurt someone? How could I feel sorry about something I did not even mean to do? It´s like saying sorry for something I did not even do in the first place.

How do I go about saying I´m sorry (if I don´t mean it as well as if I do mean it)?

Is there a way of wording it in a way that makes it sound as if I was sorry even when I´m not? I usually go with "that´s bad" or something without explicitely saying I´m sorry because, usually, I´m not and this way I won´t have to lie (I don´t have to say "I think it´s bad" now do I?)

What face do I have to make? I really have to watch out or I will go into hysterics. There is just something about offended people that I find extremely amusing and it is very hard to hold it back.

-Camelidae


If I accidentally do something that hurts someone, I just apologize immediately so I don't have to think about it and I get it out of the way. If I wait to do it, I won't do it. Like I accidentally tipped a chair over and it hit this girl in the face, so I said my bad, I didn't mean to do that, and went about my business. If I waited 5 minutes, she never woulda gotten anything out of me unless she confronted me first.

It's all up to you. Certain things I just won't apologize for, it was all their fault. If I'm kicking a soccer ball and you walk in front of me and get hit, that's your fault not mine. What would you expect me to do with a soccer ball on a field? cuddle with it?

Soooo....I have no idea. :mrgreen:
This sloth doesn't understand the statement.
--Zausel, Camelidae requested.

"But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"
-- Mark Twain
User avatar
zausel
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1686
Joined: Fri Apr 29, 2011 10:51 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 7:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby Camelidae » Wed Feb 22, 2012 9:41 pm

positivelyportrayed wrote:As an example, a few years ago my brother phoned up a little the worse for wear on alcohol. He wasn't very nice and started to say some unjustified things, to which I gave some honest answers. He was - unfortunately - very upset. It was resolved by me apoloigsising for the upset caused (unintentional), although I refuse - to this day - to retract what I said because it was true. He apologised for being out of order - all has been well since.


I don´t think I would have apologized. If you meant what you said, why take it back?

zausel wrote:Like I accidentally tipped a chair over and it hit this girl in the face, so I said my bad, I didn't mean to do that, and went about my business.


zausel wrote:If I'm kicking a soccer ball and you walk in front of me and get hit, that's your fault not mine.


Charming examples. :lol:

I can apologize for physical stuff, bumping into someone or the like. It´s the emotional stuff I have problems with -- which might have to do with the fact that I rarely feel particularly guilty or sorry. Those are feelings I think I have *learned* rather than that I had them from the start. Might have to do with lacking an understanding for the other person´s feelings, I don´t know.
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
Camelidae
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:46 pm
Local time: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:20 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby positivelyportrayed » Wed Feb 22, 2012 9:45 pm

I apologised for hurting his feelings, but not for what I actually said, and therein lies the difference.

I didn't want to hurt him, but there is no way I would take back the comments I made (that I still think were correct), but I take no pleasure in upsetting other people. I can be sorry for causing upset, as opposed to the content, if you see what I mean.

It's a complex world we live in ... if people were more honest and straightforward, life would be so much simpler 8)
User avatar
positivelyportrayed
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:04 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 7:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby BeMused » Thu Feb 23, 2012 3:19 am

I don't necessarily view saying "I'm sorry" as an acknowledgement of guilt. I probably say it most often to show I am sorry for whatever distress, trouble, inconvenience someone may be experiencing whether I had anything to do with it or not.

My son OTOH, who is way more affected by AS than I am, has huge issues w/ apologies. His main problem is dealing w/ the response he gets. He hates it when you say "that's ok" b/c he feels like you just invalidated his apology and aren't accepting it. He'd much rather you say, "thank you, I accept your apology". His biggest issue is when he gets no response at all which is understandable. That is like a slap in the face.

He also only will say it when he feels directly responsible for something really hurtful to someone. It doesn't even occur to him to apologize for putting someone to extra trouble or in sympathy for a loss, etc...
User avatar
BeMused
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 37
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:28 am
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby Grossenschwamm » Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:11 am

I agree with you, Camelidae - I see little point in apologizing without being sorry. I've worked around that by saying something like "I didn't do that to hurt you, and I would not have done it if I knew you'd respond this way. I'm sorry."

There's no special face you have to make, you just have to believe what you're saying. Are you sorry they responded so negatively? Use that.

True, it makes the other person look like they're the one at fault...but really? Sometimes people overreact over the dumbest stuff. I do it too...blah.
Grossenschwamm;
Better than chocolate.
User avatar
Grossenschwamm
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 883
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 4:32 am
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 11:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby Camelidae » Thu Feb 23, 2012 6:18 pm

positivelyportrayed wrote:I apologised for hurting his feelings, but not for what I actually said, and therein lies the difference.


same thing to me. i mean, i see it somehow, but really have to concenrate so i even get wha you mean. its like running against a wall in my head.

BeMused wrote:I don't necessarily view saying "I'm sorry" as an acknowledgement of guilt.


a what do you view it then? maybe i just have trouble admitting to mistakes, hmm.

His biggest issue is when he gets no response at all which is understandable. That is like a slap in the face.


oh yes. generally getting no response to anything sucks though.

He also only will say it when he feels directly responsible for something really hurtful to someone.


yeah, i rarely feel directly responsible. i dont connect what i do to the reaction at all. if i dont intent to do it, im not sorry usually. there are always exceptions though.

It doesn't even occur to him to apologize for putting someone to extra trouble or in sympathy for a loss, etc...


doesnt make sense, does it? unless ive killed your grandma, why say im sorry? i do it now but i did not do it before at all.

Grossenschwamm wrote:I've worked around that by saying something like "I didn't do that to hurt you, and I would not have done it if I knew you'd respond this way. I'm sorry."


i think ill use that minus the im sorry part.

Grossenschwamm wrote:True, it makes the other person look like they're the one at fault...but really? Sometimes people overreact over the dumbest stuff. I do it too...blah.


always different when others do it though. oh well.
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
Camelidae
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:46 pm
Local time: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:20 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby Chan » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:04 pm

Camelidae wrote:Today I did something that was perceived as troublesome to a friend of the family. I´m told I have to apologize. I´m not planning on doing that since I don´t feel sorry and I don´t see the point in saying it without meaning it. Apparently, those are no strong points because whenever the subject of apologizing comes up, people tell me I will have to be able to do it all the time "later in life" even if I don´t mean it. Wtf.

I´m wondering, do you (in general, as I won´t in this case) have to apologize for something you did not do intentionally but that still hurt someone? How could I feel sorry about something I did not even mean to do? It´s like saying sorry for something I did not even do in the first place.

How do I go about saying I´m sorry (if I don´t mean it as well as if I do mean it)?

Is there a way of wording it in a way that makes it sound as if I was sorry even when I´m not? I usually go with "that´s bad" or something without explicitely saying I´m sorry because, usually, I´m not and this way I won´t have to lie (I don´t have to say "I think it´s bad" now do I?)

What face do I have to make? I really have to watch out or I will go into hysterics. There is just something about offended people that I find extremely amusing and it is very hard to hold it back.

-Camelidae
Observe the politicians who, after having stuck their feet in their mouths, offer what is sometimes called the "non-apology apology." Pay attention to the words. Notice how they say things like "I'm sorry if anyone was offended." Worth reading: http://www.perfectapology.com/political-apology.html

Personally, I don't get the whole apology thing. But, for those who feel they must at least fake apologies from time to time, there's apparently an art to it: http://www.perfectapology.com/how-to-say-im-sorry.html
Ellsworth Toohey: Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don't you tell me what you think of me in any words you wish.

Howard Roark: But I don't think of you.

From the 1949 movie version of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead

SPiDers like being alone.

Loners are not lonely people. Lonely people are not loners.
Chan
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 382
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:50 pm
Local time: Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:20 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Apologizing.

Postby Camelidae » Fri Feb 24, 2012 3:32 pm

^ Thanks. It is harder in practise than in theory though.
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
Camelidae
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Thu Sep 01, 2011 5:46 pm
Local time: Tue Sep 02, 2014 12:20 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Asperger's Syndrome Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: AdsBot [Google] and 109 guests

cron