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At a loss

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At a loss

Postby Grossenschwamm » Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:26 pm

I can't post this on the other forum I go to even though I'm a mod there with about 5 years worth of inane RPG babble and physics posts. They say I talk about myself too much...perhaps I do. Now I don't talk about myself and they say I'm like a spambot...I'd rather they call me a spambot.
I love my girlfriend. I really do, I think if anything is love, it's what I'm experiencing with her. I'm comfortable with her, I don't feel the need to be something I'm not, and I just want to share my experiences with her, and for her to share experiences with me. On top of that, I want her to be happy. That's what I want the most for her. No matter what that means.
But I've been really depressed for so long right now. I have periods where I'm happy and I forget what's bothering me (normally when I'm with her) and then periods where I'm really out of sorts and don't feel like doing anything (when I'm at home). She tries really hard to understand why I'm not like a lot of other people, why I can't just "get a job" or "just draw." She doesn't understand how I can be so negatively affected by lights and sounds, or even social interactions. She even dealt with the same things when she was younger. Any friends who've known her from back then say we're nearly the same person, but she's more socially adaptable.
I put on a show for the regular people so they don't know I'm different. Only a few people actually know who I am. It's so hard to maintain myself in social situations because it's always so loud, and I hate fluorescent lights. And slaps on my back...and damn hugs.
I find myself getting more and more angry with the world around me. Why do I have to change? Because I'm poor. I can't afford to be eccentric. I have no support from the people closest to me. My mom calls all of the things I'm really good at, like sculpting and drawing, hobbies. She doesn't think I should put stock in those natural talents and just go to school where I'll be surrounded by people who will invariably look at me, slack off, and treat me like dirt just like they always have.
I was so stressed out from my last semester of school that I wanted to kill myself just to get away from the eyes I felt boring holes into my skin, the conversations I knew I'd never be a part of because I'm smart, but too damn weird to talk to. Sure, my professors eventually found out I'm very talented at writing, but that doesn't mean I never blew my "normal" cover - in World Religions, one of the other students brought up people who would "hang themselves" as some sort of practice and achieve one-ness. I immediately thought of auto-erotic asphyxiation, blurted it out, and had an entire room staring me down. The woman who brought up hanging went into so much detail about the end result that she forgot to mention the people would hang themselves with hooks through their skin, via piercing themselves. So, you know...totally my fault!
My mom figured I dropped out because I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend. That was just a side-effect. I dropped out because I wanted to kill myself and I had just broken my insulin pump after blacking out in the behavioral health emergency room at the best hospital in the area. When I black out I break things.
My mom figures if I'm going out and socializing, nothing is wrong. I'm just being selfish. I'm the one abusing her if I raise my voice to tell her sculpting soapstone isn't a damn hobby. Meanwhile she can call me a child, say I'd be nowhere without her, and bring up how much more she knows about the world than I do because she happened to be born nearly 31 years before me. Oh, and if I continue to disagree, she'll storm off and say I'm exactly like my dad, whom she divorced about 8 years ago and apparently resents it so much she's willing to bring it out on me. And, if I refuse to talk to her about my problems when she knows there's something wrong (due to how very interested she is in my mental state) she threatens to kick me out of the house.
I'd move out, but I pay my mom rent to live here, I pay the cell phone bill, and I pay the internet. On top of that, I pay for gas in my car, car insurance, and whatever maintenance costs my 18 year old toyota will incur due to being 18 friggin' years old. Oh, and I have court fees to pay because I made a big mistake earlier in the year. This means I have no way to save up money unless I get a job, which I can't get due to no one wanting to hire me.
I can't afford to move out unless I decide to go into a stupid income-based rent apartment and go to groups to learn how to cook and go grocery shopping.
Now, I can understand why eventually people would tire of hearing the same issues over again, but they. get. worse. as time goes on, and I can't reconcile being poor and needing to get out from under my abusive mother's thumb at the same time.
This all goes back to my girlfriend, though;
She doesn't want to put pressure on me to do anything, but she's also said a few times she doesn't want to end up waiting until her 30's or 40's to settle down.
I nearly broke up with her last night.
"Hmm...I love you more than anyone I've known. I know it's hard for you to understand what's going on in my life. I guess I'll remember you as the one who tried the hardest for me. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone."
I hung up.
I did it because I already know I can succeed. If I didn't have people constantly haranguing me and telling me how to live my life, I'd be perfectly fine. The irony is I'm told by everyone I talk to that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, it's what I think of me. Yet, every time I turn around, I'm doing something wrong. It does matter what other people think of me. I'm apparently not allowed to live my own life, I have to live it for the people around me. Because of this, and that damn character I play to look normal to the rest of the world, I don't know who the ###$ I'm supposed to be! Am I myself, or what they want of me? If I'm what they want of me, am I really able to be myself? The only person who is the closest to getting who I am is my dad...but he doesn't even know who I am! How can a man who's probably only spent 10 years around you (one consecutive year within that total) actually know who you are if you're 25? Yeah, sure, dad! It's great to have that vote of confidence when you're living 365 miles away and actually have no tangible effect on my life. It's great. Honestly, the only reason I'm not dead right now is because I threw all of my outdated scripts away. My current therapist thinks she gets what I'm going through because she had to undergo treatment for depression twice. I've been under psychiatric care since I was 15, and I've had a therapist since I was 11...I don't think she actually gets it.
My girlfriend called back a few minutes after I ended the call with her and said she'd try harder to understand what I'm going through, and she'd try not to project the anger she feels by getting lambasted by her mom constantly on me...but I don't know if I should expect her to do that. I don't know if I want to deal with any of this anymore. I actually looked into homeless shelters so I'd be able to disappear, but they're all full in my area. I want to fade away. I'm treated like nothing, and I constantly feel like a burden.
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Re: At a loss

Postby EBR » Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:48 pm

That is quite the predicament. Even still, though I can understand how you feel, you must somehow do something; anything to pull yourself out of this situation before it gets any worst. I dont think you want to put yourself in a position to be homeless as that is equally as bad...

What actually worked for me (or somewhat) was being forced to find a job. Unfortunately this was after I found myself homeless and living in my car since I was just too afraid/unmotivated to get one otherwise. I wont lie though, work most days are a living hell but still better than living by someone elses rules. I say just take small steps and if you could believe me it gets better with time...
To put your life in danger from time to time... breeds a saneness in dealing with day-to-day trivialities.
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I would recommend a solo flight to all prospective suicides. It tends to make clear the issue of whether one enjoys being alive or not.
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Re: At a loss

Postby Camelidae » Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:56 pm

I have no concrete advice for you. This may not sound very helpful now that you feel this way, but I can tell you for sure that you are not "nothing", you are not a "burden". Don´t let anyone make you feel this way and don´t do anything to yourself, please.

What do you think doesn´t your therapist understand?
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
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Re: At a loss

Postby Grossenschwamm » Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:06 pm

My therapist has been depressed, and she's had people abuse her. She hasn't been beaten or had her life threatened, however, and it didn't go on from her kindergarten years until she was 25. She's also never had a patient with Asperger's like me. Apparently, she's had two other patients with the syndrome, but they were far more predictable and a bit less self sufficient than I am, so she doesn't see how it impedes my progress.
"Oh, but you seem to talk so well, and you're able to make eye contact."
It's a controlled environment; I feel safe, making it easier to talk.
I keep missing my appointments with her, though. I sleep up to 18 hours in a day. I set alarms, but nothing wakes me up. Normally I wake up at around 4 or 5, and I'm able to fall asleep again at about 2-3 AM, but if I can't...it can turn out awful. The longer I'm awake, the more reality warps around me. If I've been awake for more than 26 hours, it's no longer safe for me to drive. Over 30, walking becomes difficult. 40, and I'm completely unable to function. I hallucinate so much that I can't see anymore at this point, and if I turn off the lights everything gets worse. This is when I can sleep for about 18 hours, during those times I'm awake for more than 24 hours. I've completely lost my circadian rhythm. I'm actively trying to get it somewhat normal, but according to everyone around me I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm lazy, or whatever other hand toss they can throw at me to make me look like the bad guy. On top of that, I get yelled at for not having done anything during the day.
I want so much to lash out and destroy this house my mom loves so much. She asks my opinion on what color to paint the walls, or where to put the furniture...but she's already made up her mind. My opinion has never mattered. She neglects her parrot...I want that bird to die so she realizes she doesn't deserve her. She'll let the water and food stay in the cage for about two days before she tells me to clean out the cage and feed Buddy. She's got almost no water or food left by the time I get there. I try taking care of all of the pets each day but she doesn't notice what I've already done unless it's the litterbox or the dishes...I'm the one who's bad with money, meanwhile I've been trying to save up to euthanize my 19 year old cat with a thyroid problem (or diabetes...I can't afford to diagnose and care for her), and my mom doesn't pay her half of the phone bill, which would total 65 dollars. 10 more and the cat doesn't need to suffer. My mom SPENT THE DAMN MONEY. meanwhile, any time the cat begs for food, or misses the litter box, my mom says, "I'm gonna kill this ######6 cat!"
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Re: At a loss

Postby Camelidae » Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:26 pm

Grossenschwamm wrote:My therapist has been depressed, and she's had people abuse her.


That´s what she told you? Not an expert and I guess if she only mentions it to connect to patients better it should be somewhat ok, but generally the sessions are exclusively for you and your problems. You pay for them. Talking about the way she feels would be rather unprofessional if she did it on a regular basis.

"Oh, but you seem to talk so well, and you're able to make eye contact."


Can you think of any way to show her that she is underestimating the situaton? Have you told her about the level of distress this is causing you? I personally tend to assume that the other person must know what exactly I´m thinking and how I´m feeling because they are professionals. Unfortunately, they don´t. So if you haven´t already, tell her clearly and in detail how you feel, spell it out for her, all of it, no matter how obvious it seems to you.

I'm actively trying to get it somewhat normal, but according to everyone around me I'm not trying hard enough, or I'm lazy, or whatever other hand toss they can throw at me to make me look like the bad guy. On top of that, I get yelled at for not having done anything during the day.


Ignore them then. Easier said than done in your situation, of course, but unless they´ve been there themselves chances are they naturally won´t be able to get their heads around it. It is good that you are still trying, but I´m wondering whether it wouldn´t be more effective to take a break to work on your problems and recover until you feel a bit better for now. The energy you have left should not be used to please those around you.

Are you currently on any meds?
The nurse I work with asked me to write down what I want. I want to recover from Borderline Personality Dirsorder.
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Re: At a loss

Postby Grossenschwamm » Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:34 pm

I can't take any meds. They either don't work, work on the short term, or cause bad side effects. I started getting really depressed (like I am now) when I was brought on to the therapeutic dose of gabapentin, and now I'm waiting for it to be out of my system, which could be another 2-3 weeks. I have 2 mg xanax pills to take as needed for anxiety, but they're not working so well anymore. I can't take the only thing that did work, and I've been doing breathing exercises too for the anxiety, but I still end up with chest pains and shortness of breath from a panic attack. I get that pounding in my chest, and now the physical symptoms don't panic me, they're accompanied by an incredible amount of rage. Migraines, eye pains, body pains, chest pains, tightness...it makes me so angry now, because I didn't have any of these problems when I was smoking cannabis. Oh, and now I have IBS, so it makes eating so, SO much fun.
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Re: At a loss

Postby zausel » Tue Nov 22, 2011 12:08 am

I feel ya, identical story. I almost panicked thinking someone was ######6 with me until you mentioned a GF. experienced the "but you seem social", blunt of most things from the family, never doing the right thing, shows to keep up socially, childhood enjoyment was cut to pieces since it would never make me money, attempted suicides, kicked out, threats of kicked out before I did get kicked out, going to court currently, girl issues due to all this...but I was acting batshit crazy(not completely sure if it was a Anti-D side effect or not yet). It sucks. Im still suck in the situation too, so I have no clue what can be done. Just keep your chin up as much as you can.
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Re: At a loss

Postby Grossenschwamm » Fri Feb 10, 2012 9:46 pm

I don't know this forum's policy on thread revival after a few months, but I want to ask what any of you who read this previously or will read through it now after my post think of this;

My mother went onto my computer and this thread was still up the monday after thanksgiving, during which time I had been hospitalized under my own volition for 4 days, though had I refused I would have been committed against my will.

What occurred was, the day before thanksgiving I had an argument with my mom and she told my case worker at LVACT that I was threatening suicide, even though that never happened. I was sent to the emergency behavorial health unit and evaluated. I was asked if I had thoughts of suicide.
"Yes, but only to excape from the constant physical pains I experience as well as the personal attacks from my mother.
"Do you have a plan?"
"Well...if I was going to do anything, I'd take a bunch of xanax. But, the lethal does is so high it isn't feasible. It's 331 mg per kilo of body mass on the low end."
For me, that calculation would have resulted in 15,226 2 mg xanax. That many pils would exceed the volume of my stomach. It would also cost over $300,000, and the high end dose is nearly seven times greater. I thought that, by saying such a thing, it would mean I knew xanax was essentially non toxic in relation to other benzos and a low end lethal dose wouldn't fit in my stomach, meaning I had no plans to hurt myself. To me, saying that was equivalent to "If I was going to do anything, I'd ride a space shuttle into orbit and jump out with no protection."
"Well, it sounds like you're rationalizing your ideations pretty well."
"What? No! I'm prescribed xanax for anxiety, and I was pretty curious as to what the lethal dose was, only because I didn't want to overdose in a state of panic. I saw someone else had asked that question online and I decided to research and answer it, for them and myself."
"Right. You were simply answering a question online. Do you mind waiting for a few minutes?"
The evaluating doctor proceeded to tell my mom that I looked up ways to kill myself ALL THE TIME.
I'm hospitalized and sit in Gnaden Huetten until the following tuesday, when I decide to fill out a 72 hour release. My mom had found this website, on this very thread, the previous night. I tell her I'll most likely be leaving the hospital the coming friday to put a new battery in my car, pack my things, and head to New Hampshire.

Wednesday morning, while bringing me extra clothes, she tells the doctor in charge of my psychiatric care that she doesn't feel safe with me coming home because she thinks I'll kill the animals, wait for her to come home, and kill her with a knife. All while I'm blacked out. Stuff she allegedly read on this thread. She proceeds to tell the same story to everyone who knows I'm in the hospital. My choices are, on the coming friday, to either go to the nearest homeless shelter or wait until my dad can come get me and bring me up to NH to live with him on the following monday. My dad, who has an ear infection so severe he's been running a fever of 102 for a week.

This extension of my hospital stay in an abusive environment caused a very high amount of stress and anxiety, contributing to what I now know is PTSD, and prolonged my wait for actual medical treatment that would reveal I have fibromyalgia (body pains, migraines, insomnia) and a paralyzed stomach. (inability to eat large meals, nausea whenever something is put into my stomach, and symptoms of IBS).

Her actions directly caused me personal harm, as well as financial harm, and she used my property to do it. That's legally defined as trespassing regarding chattel, a third degree felony. Her continued efforts to prevent me from getting the remainder of my things by not cooperating with me to procure them and instead coming up with solutions only suiting her is legally defined as conversion, the unlawful withholding of personal property, which is a misdemeanor. However, she moved the majority of my things into her basement, which is known to flood. If my belongings are damaged by flooding after she put them into the basement, that again is trespassing because she already knew her basement floods and she placed my stuff there anyway.

After I told her about conversion she quickly came up with a mutually amiable solution for me to get my things back. However, she refused to apologize for preventing my medical care, saying, "Don't threaten me. I'm not getting into trouble for this". All I actually want is an apology. But, should I tell the authorities what happened, they're obligated to charge her with the crimes she's committed, and she has no evidence against what I've said, other than the story she fabricated which would understandably alarm anyone. I, however, have emails she's written to other people as were forwarded to my dad, as well as this thread, which contains the words I actually wrote. I also have the diagnoses given to me by medical professionals in the state of New Hampshire.

The thing is, she made no attempts to contact my father in the first place. My aunt did after mom sent her one of those fabricated emails. My mother had no intention of letting me out of the hospital. And, I actually could have died of malnutrition had the consistent diagnosis of Shizoaffective disorder with somatic pain/physically manifested depression remained, because of my gastroparesis. I probably would've been told by a professional that I had anorexia due to my lack of interest in eating (it hurts to put things into my stomach, and when it passes through my GI tract it causes stabbing muscle cramps). My intestines are also affected, so when I do eat, I hardly absorb any nutrients from my food.

I was in a psychiatric hospital for 12 days being treated for conditions I don't have, all while my diabetes was horribly maintained by the staff at hand. I was called noncompliant for not wanting to eat, and I was chastised for asking the medical doctor to actually treat my symptoms. My decreased cognitive ability due to insomnia made me misspeak and wrought hell on my short term memory, and when I tried to correct mistakes I had made I'd be told the orders already went through and I'd have to deal with it.

Do you guys think I have a case if my demand isn't met?
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Re: At a loss

Postby Grossenschwamm » Sat Feb 11, 2012 2:46 pm

Sorry for the double post. I know you guys can't give me legal advice, which is why I had already made plans to speak with a lawyer. I just wanted your opinions.
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Re: At a loss

Postby zausel » Sun Feb 12, 2012 12:06 am

Grossenschwamm wrote:I don't know this forum's policy on thread revival after a few months, but I want to ask what any of you who read this previously or will read through it now after my post think of this;


well, good thing your ignorant of drugs first off.

well, if that's the honest 100% truth, no omissions, no half truths, no exaggerations, I would say you have a golden case. But in reality, who's going to take the word of you over your mom, doctors, nurses etc? If life were fair, you have a good case. Counting life, and considering your against a parent who seems to be able to play people like a violin, doctors, nurses, you have a poor case. If you have the money, go for it anyway, you never know, it may go your way.
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