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Living with an Aspie and very lost

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Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby saphi » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:16 pm

Hi All,

Ever since my companion was diagnosed with Asperger I read about it and tried to understand. But there are things he did (maybe continues doing who knows) I still don't see as linked to Asperger.

I met him about 3,5 years ago and live with him about 2,5 years now. I always found him strange, weird and actually suffered a lot with it, felt neglected, not loved, not important. But because I am by nature very emotional and clingy, I imagined that was the main problem, we didn't fit. He always tried to make up for his mistakes as well, by being extra caring or passionate suddendly for short periods of time. Only one day half a year ago, when he mentioned his brother had asperger (officially) and his father diagnosed himself as well, I looked on internet and he seemed to have a lot of traits indeed. I then asked him to go test himself. At first he said no, he wanted no label. But then he decided to go as it would probably make me see he loves me and he is just different. The diagnose came in May and was positive. He was relieved :s! He didn't get sad, selfreflective, nothing, just relieved and thought I would now read about it and get off his case. He never felt depressed all his life either, he finds it ridiculous to be depressed, as if he could control it.

Besides similar things I notice about other aspie's (lack of empathy, emotional anorexia even at times, special interests that seem to matter more than being with me (although he did abandon some to spend more time with me at some point I have to admit and hence the mixed signs that kept me in this relationship always hoping it would get better), etc. Besides this there is a mixed problem that is breaking me down and I basically don't know what to do, I basically feel very depressed. This forum, with other aspies and their opinions, is basically my last resort, so I beg you to do something you are usually the best at, which is give your opinions straightforwardly, right now I want the truth to see what plans I can get for my life.

Ever since we met we have serious sexual problems. He wasn't diagnosed at the time so I believed he didn't love me. Basically first time we were together he was aroused but he couldn't obtain or keep "hard" to continue sexual intercourse. We had met online several months before so that was the actual first day live. I imagined he was just not attracted to me, that it had been a disappointment. So I asked if he thought the way I looked was the reason why he lost erection, if there was a model there it would be different, he said "I don't think so". That even made me more insecure. Later on he said that for him, what isn't proven yet, he says "he doesnt know", he takes it to the letter. Today he says he is more aware of his problems and he wouldn's have said that reply but at the time he didn't understand how bad I would feel. So far so good, I understand why as an aspie he would say that.

Things were never good but they got better. So I thought, this 29 year old guy who never had real women, who only had one sexual experience before with a girl he didn't like and was very bad and also got no real erection etc, who is socially very anxious etc., I thought I would help him and he would get better, more confident etc. I also noticed although he needed manual stimulation and couldn't really get an instant erection just by seeing, feeling a kiss or so, he did start to show improvement overall let's say in "performance".

When I finally went and lived with him it was very good at start. The sexual issues were there but his general interest was very high. He was always after me, caressing me, kissing, saying "I love you". Always spooning and cuddling all happy to sleep. He unsderstood I was alone in the country and needed his company especially in that first phase so he left his friends, games, special interests outside the house so-to-speak and we did things together (games, watching series together etc). He was the most passionate of beings at first. One night he came to me and said "Now I finally understand what my philosophy teacher said once in class, that when two people fall in love, they want to be alone in their little nest and are the happiest with it". I didn't feel he was like that but indeed he was sort of behaving like that in that time.

This sweet behavior lasted until now, ups and downs but then so do all normal couples. Except for a few details. Sex continued full of problems until about a year ago (he bought and took viagra without my knowledge to stop the fighting so he says). His desire for me was still not there (I believe he only looked for me sexually with some sort of passion some 3 times in 2,5 years, all the rest is my initiative or himself forcing to do it because he's afraid I will snap) but he got erections faster and more stable that allowed a better physical relation for me. I have also caught him about 5 times masturbating and watching porn in middle of the night, morning, once when he was supposed to be at work but was at home. He told me he felt arousal and pleasure with me but he couldn't get it hard so we fought, we fought he got more anxious and afraid so he wouldn't look for me sexually, he still needed his pleasure so he masturbated.

I got angry (particularly because he is a routine dude and waking up at 4am to masturbate is something very hard that he would never do unless it really meant a lot to him) but I bought it. I said ok, then you go to a sexologist and ask for help or we separate cause it is not ok for me. He went to a sexologist and told him behind my back he did not want to stop until he got something to replace it (some pleasure, meaning he wouldn't give up his pleasure). He told me he had told the sexologist he wanted to stop. He begged me to go with him because I would understand better. I said I wouldn't go with him because I wanted him to be honest with the sexologist and with me there he would be afraid. He promised me he had nothing to hide and he would never tell the sexologist something he would lie about to me. He already had done it, both that he didn't want to stop right away and that he was taking viagra for a year behind my back. So the lying is ok for him it seems, he doesnt even feel remorse or whatever even in the moment he is lying.

This September something horrible happened. I caught him in a public place with a smart phone in a cybering site. He got totally in panic and said, indeed I can't live without this and we better separate. I snapped and accused him of taking someone from another country do all this and then not look for real treatment etc. He justified everything with having aspeger. The fight went on and on with me crying, and depressed, and angry all at the same time. After he calmed down he told me he was sorry and he loved me a lot and didn't want to lose me, he just got desperate because indeed it seems he cannot stop those behaviors. But he would now, it had gone too far, I was always catching him, there was no getting away and keep relationship forever as he had thought.I told him to give me a proof that now he did want to stop and give me the copy of the key to our house (I had taken the key away from him after I discovered he came home from work to masturbate but I had to go alone one week to my family so I felt he would copy it for the future). He denied it at first but then he took a big sigh went inside and gave it to me.

When he sat down I heard the most amazing things that I never ever would have suspected from him, an aspie, someone whose good sides are being honest and correct generally. He confessed he had been cybering (paying) with prostitutes for about 2 years, starting about 8 months after I came live with him. He had spent about 5000 euros on it. He had showed himself in a webcam in the most fetish humiliating situations and he did not feel ashamed. He knew he was cheating and he felt bad at first but now it was something normal for him. He said he didn't feel even now as guilty, remorseful or bad as he thinks he should, and he thinks that's because he has asperger. He says for him that sex life with anonymous women is something totally separate for the feelings he has for me. He once dared tell me almost "crying" that if I really loved him I would let him have his pleasure since he cannot get it with me, a real life woman. He also confessed that it is not just because I fight with him that he doesn't look much for sex with me, it's also because indeed he feels more pleasure with masturbation and porn and cybering. He likes this femdom fetish which I find quite disgusting. But he said he would be bored with just one woman anyways sexually so he always looked for different ones to pay. He didn't even have a lot of pleasure seeing them naked, it's the commanding thing he has urges for. He took vacation days from work and spent all day home masturbating sometimes without me knowing, or took mornings free. He would basically take me to work, turn around the building and go back home, meet me at lunch break go home with me, repeat...(we live and work very close by).

He also told me he had taken viagra one year ago in the hope to stop the fighting and get more confidence himself. He said it did help as he actually felt a lot more pleasure than in the past with me. He even claims some moments with me were better as there was some fetish involved but for the general he rather just masturbate and cyber. Less tiring, less work, more reward. And he can do it for hours, delaying orgasm for endless amount of time.

As lately I had taken his key away he decided to buy a smart phone so he could run less risks of me finding him at home and also to have more cyber sex access so basically he started using at work and he even masturbated to orgasm in the wc at work. He spent hours reading porn at work. He even went to the point of cybering in a public wc with a prostitute because he had absolutley no other choice to do it at home anymore.

After my shock, denial, anger (and asking myself millions of times "who is this beast standing here") I also found he talked like an addict. Going back home to my country no job starting all over can't be done just like that. Can't afford a house alone in this country either. So we are still together until we get better. So we read about it and found a site on internet porn addiction. He has an "eureka" moment, he said that was him and now he had a big reason to really believe he can stop it because he identified with everything said there. He is now posting there and believing he has it, exchanging opinions. I said ok then let's talk to your dad (he respects his father a lot and is very childish for his current age - 33 - always asks mom and daddy for advice with all). I told his father all these horrible stories. He was ashamed but "fine". His father was shocked and suggested a psychiatrist.

His psychiatrist was 2 hours with him and I went on the 2nd session. He was quite surprised I was so angry, felt deceived and cheated on. He said I certainly had no clue what asperger was. He told me aspergers have perception in one side and feeling in the other and they don't really gather. For him this porn and cybering is all the same, his own pleasure, he knows I wouldn't accept it so he hides it, but he doesn't love me less for it or is actually cheating as he has no interest in those women whatsoever besides his own pleasure. They are like a fantasy island to him, an "as if". He also believes it is very hard to see if he has an addiction since he has asperger. He believes he has a stereotypical behavior which is masturbating, porn, cybering, which he has from 13 and is basically impossible to cure as aspies always have these stereoypical behaviors. So he may stop it for 6 months then relapse then stop relapse etc.

I told him I did not believe it was just asperger. That he was compulsively lying, if it wasn't the addiction then had to have some sociopathic disorder or something. Because I would ask before I'd leave home "Love please think about consequences, don't do porn, you are hurting me, let's get better", he would say with the most loving face "No love I won't really love, I love you" in the exact moment he knew he would go cyber in 10 minutes after I left. He confessed that he was relieved and looking forward every year when I would go alone on vacation for a couple of weeks so he could be free for porn. He claims he did miss me but he wanted that more at that moment cause he knew I would come back anyways and he couldn't be alone at home all the time. I jusdt asked, why why why? Why didn't you stop the relationship, why chose to deceive, manipulate, not care? He said the main reason is that he loves me very much and he doesn't want to lose me, but he thought he would get away with it and just keep his fun, that he knows he is a child, only wants constant gratification, he wants to change, he promises he has stopped since our conversation 4 weeks ago and he will stop forever, that this time he means it for real and he will get treatment for whatever he has. He still thinks the psychiatrist is wrong, that besides asperger he has an addiction of many years (btw he started porn, cybering years before he met me) but he thinks he should finish therapy and see what he has to say in the end.

I feel lost, I don't know him, feel he is a monster, feel there is more to it than asperger or even addiction. So please you who have asperger tell me, does asperger justify all this? I will believe you more than any doctor cause only you know about it.

Saphi

P.S. In case someone exists who doesn't know what cybering is, it is showing yourself, seeing the other and exchange sexual "encounters" via a webcam. You can do this with regular girls or you can pay for it. I had a hard time understanding it, maybe I am too naive in such things.
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby petrossa » Fri Oct 07, 2011 7:02 pm

No this is not typical Asperger. Sexual issues are common to AS but more in the sense a sizeable part are asexual.

What you describe is something different altogether and indeed more some kind of paraphilia. Many paraphilias are acquired.

I think you should do well to pose your issue at the Paraphilia forum, with less accentuation of him having Aspergers.

http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby DJM19 » Fri Oct 07, 2011 8:10 pm

Hi saphi.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm with petrossa, it could be a form of paraphilia mixed with Aspergers. I don't think having Aspergers justifies everything he has done (although it might explain some of his actions).
Is there anyone you yourself can talk to? I think you should talk to someone about this.
Thinking of you.
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby Twist » Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:32 am

first thing i would suggest is to take a big frying pan and use it on him anytime he excuses his behaviour (ESPECIALLY lying) via autism. if he knows he's doing it, knows it's hurting you, lies and continues to do it, that's a sign of a weak-willed child, AS/addiction or not. i can understand that he doesn't want to hurt you, and lying about it might seem like a victimless way to circumvent this, but after three years (20 if you include his justification of paraphiliac activity) it's either a serious case of denial, or he just doesn't care, in which case he won't "get better".

i had a relationship where i lost all sex appeal for a partner once - i didn't do it consciously, didn't find them less attractive (physically, atleast) and tried very hard to talk about it, but it just felt like something had gotten lost along the way and although i still thought he was one of the best guys ever, i couldn't bring myself to have sex with him anymore and we eventually broke up because it was such an issue for him (he wouldn't stop bringing it up and my patience went boom, not saying he wasn't justified).

i would point out to him that just because he doesn't "enjoy" real sex doesn't mean he can completely ignore it when he's in a relationship. you probably have a mental list of things that you don't enjoy and still put up with regarding him, and if the relationship is important to him (i wouldn't doubt how much you mean to him) then he has to make the effort, just like you do.

you could also explain that his deception and flagrant self abuse can be seen as subconscious signs that he is not happy in the relationship or that he wants it to end, even if he doesn't - pointing out and EXPLAINING VERY CLEARLY how it makes you feel and how it can be interpreted might help him understand not only your position, but his own. he seems slightly deluded if he's trying to justify his actions via a diagnosis, especially since porn addiction and blatent deception are two things i've never encountered on this forum.
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby saphi » Sat Oct 08, 2011 4:02 pm

Thank you all for your comments.

Petrossa I posted on paraphilia but I think it got removed :s. Perhaps it was too much info.

DJM19 I talked to a friend yes but she basically thinks he is very sick and mostly he has asperger and she thinks I shouldn't be with an aspie independently of him loving me or not, stopping cheating and lying or not, as it is a difficult condition for a non-aspie. Basically she just thinks he is a waste of my time and I deserve better, so doesn't help in trying to understand him for real, since I still like him.

Twist I felt very recognised when reading your post. I could have written all those things myself. I did all that, including the trying to help him realise that maybe he's just not happy with me and doesn't want to face it. He will deny it all the time. He says he agrees indee dthere is no justification for what he did, but somehow I am not feeling it comes from his heart. I don't feel that healthy remorse from him so-to-speak.

Yesterday he went to the psychiatrist again. The psychiatrist insisted on not pursuing a possible addiction since it is very hard to detect (him having asperger). So he will treat him for compulsive disorder. He also denies the importance of paraphilias, or frequency and place where he masturbated, he still claims he has not cheated on me and I shouldn't feel like that. He actually mentioned to him he feels very sorry for my bf as I won't go to therapy to help him...and that I am also to blame for his problems. I am indeed thinking more and more that this bf of mine is out of luck, as he has nobody to give him a good role model, so he will never get out of this behaviour and I need to move on with my life.

Saphi
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby Twist » Sat Oct 08, 2011 4:23 pm

i spotted this in the aspd boards and figured it was relevant.

Onebravegirl wrote:Mindy, I will give you the same advice I give anyone in a relationship; When people show you who they are believe them. They are not going to change unless something very traumatic occurs. Then and only then, do people change or really grow.
So, look at him for who he is and ask yourself if you want your life to be like this. Is he worth it to you? You seem to know he is Ill-even if he doesnt. But even if he did finally realize that he is ASPD, that doesnt mean he will be any different-or want to be.
Listen to your instincts. If he is just going to get out of prison and go do something else, he will end up back in prison. Before you know it, your 45 and look 65 having spent your life being loyal to a guy who has no regrets.
Thats the worst case scenario right? Maybe it wont be that bad, but considering that it could be, might help you really assess how much you love him.
Was he kind to you? Did he make you happy? Ignore the words he uses and look at his actions. There is more truth in actions than words.

One


obviously this relates to a sociopath and not an aspie, but the level of self delusion and apparent lack of impulse control are atleast similar. if he doesn't feel he needs to change, or is unwilling to commit to it, and you've voiced your opinions and they fell on deaf ears, then there is little else you can do. the only way a person can truly change is if they want to. beyond that the only thing you can do is hope he develops abit of introspection and confronts his issues like an adult...though i'd steer clear of using the word 'issues' :)
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby saphi » Sat Oct 08, 2011 5:20 pm

Yes, I agree with the quote and what you say. Deep inside I always knew just didn't want to let go...

He says this happened to him, the big rock, but in my guts I don't feel it for real. His need to escape discussions is far too big in comparison to his will to make amendments so-to-speak. He is afraid of arguments and wants to escape like a child still, much more than he wants to face things like an adult.
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby petrossa » Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:50 pm

saphi wrote:Thank you all for your comments.

Petrossa I posted on paraphilia but I think it got removed :s. Perhaps it was too much info.
Saphi


There is no log entry of a post by you removed anywhere. Did you receive an email about your post? Maybe it got never sent. Try again, i see no reason why anyone would delete your post.

If i can see who deleted it i can have a friendly 'talk' with them...
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby petrossa » Sat Oct 08, 2011 6:53 pm

I found your post here: http://www.psychforums.com/sexual-addiction/topic74756.html, i see no record of it having been moved, so i guess you mistakenly put it there yourself.
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Re: Living with an Aspie and very lost

Postby saphi » Sat Oct 08, 2011 8:46 pm

Hi Petrossa,

I later did a search on general by name and found it on "sexual addiction". The moderator explained he had moved it there and replied to my post.

Cheers :)
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