Married to an Aspie Support

Shutterbug... the thing with your grandma.... My oldest brother was killed in a car accident three years ago. I was understandably devestated. However, managed to get up, go to work, cook dinner, function pretty normally aside from crying frequently. Two weeks after the funeral, my Aspberger husband told me "You need to just get over it. It's been two weeks and you have a family that needs you." Keep in mind that I hadn't been curled up under the covers for those weeks...but the fact that I was grieving was completely unacceptable to him.
Two years after that incident, during one of our many talks, I told him that him saying that to me broke my heart. And that I would never cry in front of him again. His response? "well, I don't care. I was right, and I'd do it the same way again."
When my husband's mother died of cancer some 10 years before that, he didn't shed a tear. I just shrugged it off as that he wasn't an emotional person.
I find the lack of emotion (or what I percieve to be a lack of) and lack of empathy or understanding for anyone else's feelings to be the hardest part of marriage with him. It's a struggle every day.

Hi there I'm new to this forum but have been lurking for a while.
I'm not married but have been in a relationship with my bf for a year and have known him for 8 years as a work colleague. Our relationship started really well, although initially I always felt I was on a bit of a rollercoaster with him. His behaviour towards me was always very kind, gentle and loving when I was with him (and still is) but then I would be very confused by things he said, did or failed to do that would make me think he didnt care at all
I began to suspect a while ago that he has AS after I realised that we viewed certain situations totally differently. I wont bore you with the list of things that makes me think he has AS, but I'm as certain as I can be that he has it. After thinking about this for a while, I eventually mentioned my suspicions to him. Not to give him a label, or to blame him for all our problems, but that it might explain the lack of communication at certain times.
He has suffered from terrible depression and anxiety recently caused by a certain stressful situation in his work life. This has at times caused him to completely withdraw and shut himself off (sometimes for weeks on end). Initially I possibly made the situation worse (I didnt realise he had AS then), because the more he withdrew the more I tried to reach out to him thinking I could help him, and wanting to be there as a support for him. Now when it happens I just let him get on with it but send a text letting him know I'm there if he needs me, the periods of isolation have been much shorter since then.
I suppose I've joined this forum in the hope that I can understand him more, and improve our relationship, I've already learned so much reading the earlier posts in this thread from the AS men.
He is, as I said earlier, very gentle and caring and does show me affection (in a practical way), we can make each other laugh and I enjoy his company. He has an amazing memory (which I'm jealous of as mine is hopeless).
I struggle a lot to understand him at times though, although outwardly he portrays himself as a confident self assured man, once you get to know him he has low self esteem and is overly critical of himself. If he makes the slightest mistake he sees this as a huge failure.
If anyone can give any advice on how I could help him be less harsh on himself I would be grateful.
I'm sure I have loads of other questions to ask as well but dont want to go overboard on my first visit here, many thanks

I just want to say, Meggie66, that you sound like an awesome girlfriend, and you seem to be very understanding of his issues and that is great. That goes a long way. Keep looking around, and read up on how we think, both guys and us girls. They way us girls think may help you to understand how he might assume you think and feel.

Hello all,

I am new to this forum - I can honestly say that I have been looking for something like this for a while, months probably.... so I am glad to have found you all.

I have read all 15 pages and smiled and cried, there have been eureka moments and a few of despair but overall it has been a positive experience.

This will probably be a long first post, for which I apologise, but I finally feel like there is somewhere I can tell my / our story........

I have been with my partner for 4 years - about 9 months ago we self diagnosed AS. We knew that there was a disconnect between us and the way we think but had no idea what / how etc. It didn't make for an easy life.

A brief history of our relationship.

I was amazed when we first got together - he was loving, demonstrative, vocal, tactile, committed - it was like finding a very atypical man - someone in touch with their soul and who wasn't afraid to share. In hindsight I refer to these months for him as "kid in a sweet shop" - he couldn't get enough of us. He made it very clear that he had never connected like this with anyone before and I know for a fact that is true from all the talking we have done since. It was heady stuff for sure and the sex was amazing and abundant

The down side was his inability to be consistent - he would "burn out" and run away. He did this 3 times in the first six months - but as soon as he had "gone" and the pressure was off he came back, almost desperate, certain he had made a mistake, assuring me of his love and devotion and certain of our future.

We had both left relationships to enter into this one - he was consumed with guilt for a long time afterwards. He doesn't do lies. I should also add that I have a little girl who was 3 then. He idolised her from the off and whilst he finds that relationship difficult on a day to day basis he absolutely loves her without question.

Eventually we had a conversation that went along the lines of........ I know love is scary but...... think of it as a cliff... you can jump and I promise I will be there to catch you. That turned things around and we bought a house together. This was 6/9 months into our relationship.

He left twice more in the first 2 years - it was heartbreaking. I came home from work one Monday and he had packed everything he owned and was leaving..... within a few hours of talking he knew he had made a mistake but I felt it was only right that he went and took some time to think things through.

I had always known that he was different but had no idea what that meant. Our relationship has been and is difficult but as I have got to know him better (before AS was discussed) I learnt how to "handle" him better with varying results. He doesn't do emotion easily - I learnt to try and turn my emotional side off (this is very hard, I am very emotional) and it works if I catch him at the right moment. The downside to this is he knows he is being handled and it doesn't always make for an easy time.

This continued but in fairness I started to feel lost and resentful and we have picked up some emotional baggage and our connection gets a little lost now - learnt behaviour is a bugger! and it has taken its toll on us both.

About 9 months ago he was listening to James O'Brien on LBC (London Radio station) who did a programme on Aspergers... he volunteered when I got home....... "that's what I have" - he related to much of what was said. Sadly I didn't pick up on the cue immediately which is unusual for me as I have spent many many hours researching what it was about him.. I was convinced he was bi polar or suffered from depression (I still think there is an element of that). I am almost certain there is a degree of cyclical "misery" and some of that is based on unrealistic expectations or rose coloured glasses, if you get my meaning - everything was always better before but when you actually dissect before it really wasn't .... it's just how it's remembered.

A few weeks later a conversation with a friend started me thinking about it again and I started researching...... I did a test online pretending to be him.... it was so strongly AS even I was surprised.

I broached it with him, (one of those handled moments which took in good humour) he took the test and whilst he scored slightly less than I had it was a fairly conclusive result. We both did some research and it improved slightly but then he lost interest while I was amazed at what I was reading. That was 9 months ago. It hasn't been plain sailing, it is better but I still think we have a long long way to go before we understand the particular dynamic that will help us.

He is a highly intelligent man, member of mensa with an IQ of 169 which he doesn't really use day to day but his intelligence was a huge attraction to me as was his use of words / English... He is witty and funny and proper and he makes me smile with his odd observations.... we share similar politics and views which helps. When things are relaxed and easy it's great..... when they aren't it's horrid... like the little girl of the nursery rhyme We share a sense of humour and he is humourous.....

He doesn't do people at all and def not stupid people - he finds them intolerable but doesn't do the "i'm always right and better" - he is actually very lacking in confidence about himself and his self worth. He hates noise - it is his extended sense - I described our life like having a Kango hammer going for long periods and he said that was a fairly good analogy..... he can hear the fish tank motor at night even though it is as far away as you can get in our house and no one else can hear it!!!

He spent 8 years in the army from leaving school doing secret squirrel work, very much on his own - the tests the army put him through to determine his best focus gave him Special Ops or Linguistics - speaks volumes in my opinion. He then left and joined BAA - another very regimented work structure, working shifts. He is still there and holds down a stressful management role looking after VIP's - he is very capable in a work situation, where he is in control.

He is rubbish at emotion.... He has no emotional maturity at all - very all or nothing and I got the all at the beginning and it was amazing but he just cannot keep it up - it would almost kill him.

As our relationship has continued it has been like he has withdrawn into himself emotionally unless I really work at it and it really doesn't come naturally to him. I have to use words like what do you think..... not how do you feel..... if he has a drink he softens.... but he has stopped drinking (I mean socially with me) which is a shame as I used to really connect with him then.

He has obsessions - currently building a 1920's style kit car - he is very mechanically minded and strips things down and puts them back together. He is fine when he has habits but gets miserable when he either has not enough perceived time or doesn't get to do anything. His time management in achieving things is rubbish, things take him ages..... I could get twice as much done in half the time.... he is a perfectionist and hates being late - infact it is a joke between us that he is always early and I remind him of being on time not early... with a smile of course....

We do have a sexual relationship - it isn't anywhere near as frequent as it was and not as frequent as I would like but it's fulfilling and far from some of what I have read. He manages to connect sexually / emotionally but only in bed.... there is no intimacy outside of the bedroom which is the biggest issue for me - no touching, no warms words, no secret looks, no spontaneous hugs or kisses, in short no real connection and it breaks my heart.

On the whole I know that I get it easy but I can honestly say that it really doesn't feel like it. Like most spouses I feel like I am the one that makes all the decisions, organises everything, is the responsible one who has to make all the adjustments. I have worked hard at getting us to where we are now but it really does take its toll....... from my perspective AS is an explanation, it's not an excuse.... and we have talked more seriously recently about this and the need to find a language that suits us both. It is that or I don't think we have a future long term and that makes us both sad. He is an incredible man and I am almost sure if we don't sort this out there will never be another woman for him - he just won't put himself through it again.

With that in mind we have agreed to explore options and have organised to spend some professional time with Sarah Hendrickx - I am very hopeful.... I love my partner and I know that he loves me but knowing it and feeling it are two different things and we need to understand what we can and can't expect and what is possible.....

Phew... I feel so much better... I wish I had found this site when I was at my lowest - this post would have read very differently I'm sure but right now I'm quite positive with the upcoming meeting.

I would really love to hear from women in the same position as me, especially any that are in the UK...

Thanks you SO MUCH for taking the time to read this (alot I know.. again sorry).... much love Karen

I, in particular, don't have much advice.

However, welcome to the forum, and I hope getting all that out at least helped.

I can understand the lacking in intimacy in day to day life. My boyfriend is very classical ADHD and can often have similar symptoms of lacking empathy, seeing things from my point of view, ect. While I am an Aspie. I crave that attention, but I don't know how to give it myself. Our relationship is often very rocky, due to issues like these. He often thinks that some of my symptoms that I can just fix, when I don't know how, and likewise, I get frustrated with him due to some of his symptoms that I don't think he tries to fix.

I hope your appointment goes well for you both, and hope you like posting here.

Dear AspieMe

Thank you for your welcome...

Something you said really chimed.....

"While I am an Aspie. I crave that attention, but I don't know how to give it myself. Our relationship is often very rocky, due to issues like these."

As our relationship evolved and I realised about the emotional stuff I withdrew - and it seems he finds that really difficult - whilst he has no idea how to do it he feels the absence of my demonstrative love and that actually makes him withdraw more...... it's a hard one....

I find it hard finding a balance....

Kxx

Does this thread insulate, that people with aspergers are extraordinarily difficult
to handle as partners in a relationship?
I don't think we are.

If he denies that he has aspergers, maybe he does accept it
but just doesnt want to think about it.

Lots of people with aspergers get this need for quest for self identity
and want to learn life skills and change and develop as a better person.

Personally, I stopped doing that and nowdays tries not to think so much on my flaws
and aspergers.
Its like I DONT know myself how social or unsocial I am, I have to test myself
by testing my limits.
Then I got reminded by my aspergers and my limits.
Often I have high opinions of my own social ability
but experience my limits in real life.

Social interactions, how people works, empathy, relationships,
the unspoken rules, their unspoken meanings..

It all seems easy when I am alone but when I am with people
its all so hard.

Hi all
I'm Andrea and my husband has recently been formally diagnosed with ASD. We've always known he was a little bit different so it's nice to get a formal diagnosis.

We've been together almost 15 years so I'm not about to start complaining about his behaviour, if it had bothered me seriously I'm sure we wouldn't still be here 15 years later

What I'd like to know is how you deal with your partner's quirks? My husband is very sound and stimulation sensitive. We attended a wedding recently where he had to sit outside all night as he couldn't deal with the lights and music etc. Which would have been fine except it wasn't a nice night and he sat outside freezing for 3 hours.
In that particular situation we couldn't leave (and I didn't want to) as we'd been bussed to this remote wedding location which was lovely but very remote and we had to wait for the bus to come back to pick us up.
Usually we would have just left, but we couldn't.

In a similar situation, what would you do in reaction to your partner not coping?

On the weekend he had a panic attack in the supermarket, he didn't feel it coming on and I didn't notice. We managed to get out of the supermarket but he had a small meltdown on the way home and we had to stop and recover for a while. Have you ever experienced that and how did you react?

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if what I'm doing is helping or hindering really. I know that he doesn't like these particular situations so often attend by myself (I'd love so much if he'd enjoy these things but he just can't stand them usually) and leave him at home. Is that enabling him to not be exposed therefore makes his quirks worse? He is certainly getting worse as he gets older, or maybe I'm getting less patient?

I went along to a couple of his recent counselling sessions and his counsellor suggested that exposing him to situations that make him uncomfortable would build up his tolerance. But I'm not prepared to do that if it means a miserable guilty exhausted husband for a week afterwards.

He's recently started some new antidepressants as he has some trouble at certain times of the year with high workload and holiday committments etc so I'll be interested to see if those make any difference at our next social gathering.

He's the most loving partner a girl could wish for, and I think his ASD has a lot to play in that so I don't want to change him, I want to learn how to cope/deal with these problems that seem to be getting worse.

Thanks for your time
- Andrea

Hello everyone,

I was really happy when I found this forum. Almost everything you write sounds extremely familiar to my situation.

I have been married for almost 4,5 years now and I have known my partner for 7 years. We got to know each other over the internet and, as you all write, he was the most loving and special person I had ever met.

He is really intelligent and has an obsession for foreign languages (which is actually quite okay with me, since I am a language teacher). At first I thought he woud only study my mother tounge due to his moving to my country, but soon I realised that he went from language to language without stopping. Today he knows 5 languages on a C1-2 level and his goal is to found a club with people who speak 8 languages fluently and of course on a C1 level, minimum. He can´t stand people who say they know a language, but are actually only able to communicate on a basic level (that attitude can also lead to cristicism of native speakers )

He has a big problem being around others and we often end up fighting after parties or social gatherings.

Recently we had a huge fight which started with an invitation to a wedding. I left home for a night, because during the argument he told me that we just didn´t match and that it would be better for me to leave him and that he had never forced me to be with him in the first place. I didn´t know what to do and wanted to force him to improve the situation, so I left.

He was really devastated and I also called up his parents and made them fly into our city to get some support (his parents are real loving people and we get along very well).

Anyways, he realised that the situation was bad and that something needed to change. I found out about aspergers and kept reading and researching for hours. I showed him a test and he scored 40/50. He could indentfy himself with the description and that is how I got to the conclusion that he probably has aspergers.

So, here I am, sitting in a third world country and my husband agrees with the "home diagnosis", but is convinced that there is no competent psychologist in this country to be of help. Well, and I actually agree, since I studied in university here and got to know several psychologist that don´t really seem competent.

Now I am wondering if we couldn´t become a group of women who support and write to each other. I really need some people to share my situation with and I can´t find that in normal society, because most don´t even know about aspergers.

Does anyone else feel like me?

my aspie husband seems shallow at times
1. he seems shallow on life ie he doesnt have anything serious to like life problems or how to solve it or any thing he just says some routinely thinks dinner lunch and daily rutene \

2 whenever he does fight or something happened he does not try to solve it right away he procarsinates it and when i boiled down then also he seems to have no plan to discuss those things which gets us into fights