I think my husband has aspergers.

Hello All,

I have a question, I think my husband has this syndrome. He has never been diagnosed and would be VERY offended if I suggested he might have it and to see a Dr. I am wondering if there is any advice you might give for me to have a better understanding of him. I have read a lot on the internet and so many of the symptoms of Asperger's fit him, but without going to the Dr. what can I do to help him?

Thanks!!!!

I have to ask why you want to put the diagnosis on him.

yep, i agree with TNSe. it's you that's got the problem. your question should be: what can you do to help yourself? i'll guess he's quite happy being blissfully unaware of any of this. and i think you'd be best leaving him to that bliss too. as for you, well, i do sympathise. living with an aspie can be a very emotionally desolate experience. i suggest you seek out a website that caters for the spouces' of aspies for some mutual support and advice. i don't think you're going to get that here.

Don't misunderstand shock_the_money here. He's not saying you have problems, he's saying that its your husbands suspected AS that might be giving you problems.

The reason I asked is quite simple. If he gets an AS diagnosis, you should not expect him to change. He will still be the same person. That is why I am asking why you want to put this diagnosis on him. There may be many reasons for this, and probably a lot of them I can't even think of.

TNSe wrote:Don't misunderstand shock_the_money here. He's not saying you have problems, he's saying that its your husbands suspected AS that might be giving you problems.

yes, i confess i worded that pretty badly. thanks, TNSe, for the clarification.

I believe the reason that you wish to know if your husband has Asperger's Syndrome is because you wish to find a reason why you are having a difficult time communicating with him. If he has AS, then you plan on learning as much about it as you can. You probably feel like if you learn how his mind processess information and some techniques for communicating with him, then your relationship will improve.

I wish it was that easy. There really is no "recipe" for communicating with an Aspie. Just like any other group of people they may have some silimiar characteristics, but many differences. I personally believe that any techniques you learn can only work if your husband also has an understanding about AS and is willing to explore some different ways that you can improve communication or any other issues that you have in your relationship.

There is a psychologist who has written several good books and was married to a man with AS. Her name is Maxine Aston. There is another book about alexithymia. The entire book is not specific to AS, but does explain alexithymia and how it impacts the way a person behaves. Many people with AS are alexithymic and in my opinion this creates one of the greatest difficulty in interacting with someone with AS. I do not like the name of the book it is called "Emotionally Dumb, An Overview of Alexithymia" by Jason Thompson.

I am not an expert, nor was I successful in my relationship with someone who I believed had AS. I can tell you many facts about AS, but I can not tell you how to make your relationship work. Good luck.

i believe my father has AS. my mother has always struggled emotionally in her relationship with him. i see no point in mentioning this to either of them as they're both very elderly now and i imagine it would cause more distress to both of them than anything else.

my best advice is try to find friendships outside of the marriage to suppliment your emotional life. i think that's what my mother did wrong. she gave up work and became isolated and lonely. and my father did nothing to help and much to hinder this situation too. i think you also need to be prepared to either scrifice yourself for your marriage or your marriage for yourself. the choice is, of course, yours (though i know which i'd choose). being scared is a recipy for failure and misery. it's far better to be able to make an informed choice.

garnetgirl, you are correct, I just want to know how to interact with him without being so frustrated and a friend of mine suggested that he might have aspergers, which would explain a lot of his behavior. I was asking for information and suggestions on how to be a better wife to him, to make him more comfortable and feel like I am getting nowhere with him.
Thanks for all of your suggestions, I will research further.

One question, how did you not notice any of these frustrations before you got married?

TNSe wrote:One question, how did you not notice any of these frustrations before you got married?

i'll speculate that there are a couple of factors here: first, even aspies probably try harder pre-marriage; secondly, 'one has to winter and summer a person before one knows them' and most people simply don't do that before committing to marriage, especially if they don't live together beforehand either.