How to tell that he has Aspergers Syndrome?

Come on everyone... ...It saddens me to see name-calling here. We're all in the same boat. Emma, I'm just going to reply to your first post because there is simply too much here to read.

Why do you wish for your husband to learn that he [potentially] has Asperger's? Do you have the hope that by helping him learn abuot it your marriage can be saved? If the marriage is coming to an end, then he is not your responsibility anymore and it shouldn't matter if he has Asperger's or not. Trying to get him to accept Asperger's in himself might just distract you both from the real issue - i.e. that the marriage has failed (?). Maybe it would bebetter to put more effort into ensuring a swift and minimally-damaging separation.

However, if you feel that you must get through to him that he has Asperger's, then - yes - offering him a book about it might help. Just say that he can read it in his own time. You could give him a sheet with a list of symptoms on it too (or in place of the book).

Kevin

Hi again,

I did not realize there were more messages (mostly nice ones in fact, so thank you a ton), until Chucky wrote a PM to me. So, I am sorry I am late in responding.
Again, I want to say that this is not about my marriage, and it is not about why my marriage is over. After so many years not knowing what is possibly the issue, no one can ask me to get back my will, not to mention love. Love cannot be forced. And it is true, I am done trying. I agree that there are always 2 people who are at fault. This forum is not the first time I even speak about my marriage. I have spoken to friends, family, and so on.. it took me years to even do that. I am a kind of person who tries to see both sides and in fact want to know what my issues might have been over the years. So, I always told my side of issues just like his. And people who know my husband, told me that it is HIM not me. Having said that, does not mean, I am not at all at fault. But, I have a common sense to my personal marriage. Finally, I told my family which was the hardest thing to do.

I observed him again this weekend, and he does spend time in his room out of his own choice. It has nothing to do with me. I understand what you are saying that he might do it because of this marriage being over. It makes sense, definitely. I do not deny that. But, he has been a certain way all those years. There were so many times I spoke to him, and he did understand that there is something he needs to change. But shortly after that he got back to those habits. He could not help it. But, whether he has a disorder or not, it is certainly is the case that I tried so hard to work this marriage out for the best. I am exhausted with so much. I am an adult, and I expect an adult on my side to spend life with.
All I am asking is, please try to understand me, and just try to open up to my worries. I care to tell him that I think he might have AS.
So, the idea you guys have are quite nice, and I will make use of those after a careful consideration which one will be the best, or combine them.

I do not want to even consider a therapist for a marriage that is over "Borderline Sane". Call me stubborn, but no, I can´t. There was a time when I talk to my husband about a therapy, but the effort was never made, probably from both sides, I admit that. But now that it is over, I find it best for myself and my kids to separate and have a normal relationship to him and don´t even deal too much with him when it comes to spending time anymore. I guess anyone who divorced can relate to that. I am a good hearted person. If I weren´t, I would not even ask here about him....

I am trying to respond to most posts of you guys. "greendino", thank you for your comment. That helps a lot!

"Jazz Guy". English is my second language, and I am not too good in defining things or finding big words. I am trying to adjust to the english "word-finding" and expression mentality, but that is not the easiest to do when it comes to such a big topic.
Once I tell him, I will definitely have your words in mind, and promise I will do it that way.

Last but not least, Chucky, thank you for your support. I find the idea nice to come up with symptoms and relate them to him very nice.
Thank you for saying that he is not my responsibility anymore when the marriage is indeed over. I agree, but have an objective/objection(?) as well. We both have no family around here, which means, we will have the kids, and the kids will have us only as relatives. He wants to buy a house with a pool one day. (I spoke to him that it scares me). I am scared that something might happen, based on my experiences that I have observes in the past with him and our children. He is able to watch them for a few hours, but then is totally exhausted, which means I take over. I am scared of the pool (although a fences is the law here), and a house with stairs. My kids are wild in their behavior, and I am scared of them falling over the railing. Not to mention that I am afraid of heights when it comes to my kids, or drowning after all. So, I need to do some pre-damage control even before things happen. I know him very well !!!!
I am sure this info helps a lot to understand my worries, and why I need to be so extra careful. I so badly want to spend a few nights away from everything but can´t. I am just mentally exhausted.

In order to finalize my posting, I have two books now at home, and will mark a few things inside. Once I am prepared and ready to tell him, I will also hand him one book. - My fear is he won´t even bother about it. This is how he is, and that is what is the scariest to me.

Sigh.. thank you all for your thoughts.
Emme
PS: excuse my typos. I read the text again, but I am so tired to correct the typos now.

Ask yourself if you think he will change if he is diagnosed with AS. If the answer is no, do you really want to cause more arguements down the road. Also consider if his behavior is affecting your children. If so, you have every right as a mother to address it. I suggest you print out some of the symptoms lists and tests. Tell him you need to discuss something important. Just the 2 of you of course. Tell him calmly and in a nonaccusatory way what you suspect. If he doesn't want to hear it. You did everything you could. If he isn't offended, give him the information, and some time alone to think. Then roll from there depending on his reaction. I have AS and a lot of the things you described, are things I do. My husband and I are currently working on our relationship and compromises, since he enjoys my company, and I enjoy time to myself. If the relationship is worth it to you, work on it. There are also times when it is better for everyone when the parties involved go seperate ways. Don't let the people on here upset you. I now know if I ask a question in the future, what names to skip and ignore, if they comment. This forum is for help. As a person with AS, life can be difficult. Other people with AS should understand, and be more respectful. That said, you may not know that some people with AS don't feel empathy, are very literal, and misunderstand social cues. Don't take things personal. Plus, we all have bad days. Apparently some of us have them more frequently than others, or maybe even everyday.

Hi, thank you so much for your kind input!!!! What you said towards the end of your post, I totally understand, and have same things at home. He does have difficulties dealing with my children, and is not able to gain there respect. He just now blamed me for that saying I have to teach them have respect for him. I tried to explain to him that each person is in charge for himself (especially as a father) to gain their kids respect. Only he can do it. Or, is there something I should know? Of course, I teach my kids manners. But I explained that in day care or school each teacher has to earn respect from their students, and not the parents at home are in charge towards the teacher. I hope I am making sense in what I am trying to say.
So, you have helped me a lot as well. And thank you for that !!
I have found a local therapist, and will see that I contact them soon, as soon as I have "studied" more on the subject in order to ensure a crisp and effective talk with such a therapist.
Good Night for now.

TNSe wrote:If you go to his parents about it, without me knowing your relation to them, you may come off as a vindictive psycho bitch just out to nail your ex with a mental disorder (not that AS is a mental disorder) to prevent him from getting his rights with the kids. Then again, maybe they are more understanding than I'd expect.

i think the key word here is "if". TNSe, isn't saying you 'are' a "vindictive psycho bitch". he's saying you 'may' come across that way.

Hi, I understand that. However, this is a forum names "psychoforum", and it is honestly confusing to me that one here even considers name-calling that way, even if not meant that way. I completely understand. It is not about that anymore.
Then, if anyone would think that way about me, is not even worth me asking for help. I know his parents won´t think that of me ever. I won´t tell them what I suspect, I decided that. I have my reasons, as we are all different cultures. It is up to him to do that or not.

You're right. name-calling shouldn't happen here at all, and shock_the_monkey shouldn't be supporting TNSe for name-calling you. it was unfair.

Kevin

*IF* I had been namecalling that would be fair. But since I was being theoretical I was not namecalling unless my theory was true. It will be hard to read advice if you don't properly read what I write.

I'm with TNS and ShockingMonkey on this one. It wasn't a categorical statement. As such it most definitively wasn't namecalling.

Chucky wrote:You're right. name-calling shouldn't happen here at all, and shock_the_monkey shouldn't be supporting TNSe for name-calling you. it was unfair.

Kevin

Chucky,

in my defense, i didn't view it like that when i wrote it. and i wouldn't have written it if i had. i think we all say and write things without thinking how others might interpret our words. TNSe didn't mean any harm. he just used words that could be and were in fact taken out of context. and i just tried to emphathise that context in an attempt to smooth things over.

i haven't read the entirety of this thread but from the little i've skimmed, i gather the OP has accepted that no harm was meant.

shock_the_monkey.