Our partner

How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Asperger's Syndrome message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: TDT

How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby thruthetrees » Sun May 23, 2010 2:57 am

Most of my life I have forced myself to hang out with people. I always blamed my dislike of hanging out with people on my anxiety issues. I was diagnosed AS in the last year and my whole social life finally makes sense... It's not that I get anxious around the few close friends I have (friends I like!). I would much rather be alone, and I seem to have more sensory issues than I am specifically aware of... I am starting to get better at figuring out what things bother me so much, for so long I have dealt with it by just blowing up inside and melting down in private (or sobbing in public!).

When I was a kid, I was punished for responding to upsetting things. ie: when I covered my ears from painful sounds or my nose from smells that make me really sick--my mom thought I was just being rude and so I was punished for that stuff. Rather than being able to avoid things I had to just deal with it--my little stress meter went up a lot and of course, once it's maxed out I pretty much melt or shut down. I always knew I was really sensitive about some things, I just thought other people dealt with it better. I basically taught myself to ignore what was causing the problem and let myself flip out when I was alone so nobody could get upset with me. Not very healthy and now I have to pay more attention to what is actually setting me off--getting better at identifying these things though!

So, the whole hanging out thing puts me in a horrible mood... I start to get really agitated by them talking, coughing, moving around, etc... Basically, everything starts to bother me on a horrible level. I am quite sure it's a sensory issue that I get maxed out on my little stress bar and start to lose myself. I am pretty obsessed with not being rude (was punished as a kid when I was) and so when I hang out I feel it's rude/unfair to ask someone to shut up. I know there are ways to do it nicely, but it seems unfair to ask someone to stop talking--and really, by the time it gets there I just want to be alone at home.

This is the same reason I don't go out anywhere most of the time because I get so upset with things (social anxiety does play a major role in the going out thing, but isn't an issue around people I am comfortable with). I spend all my energy stressing when I am out--dealing with sensory issues as well as being careful not to get in anyone's way. I really have trouble going out anywhere alone that isn't a regular routine and if anything changes my stress meter goes up a lot... Hanging out with people is very sporadic. I hardly ever hang out with anyone--I just never feel like it and when I do end up hanging out the whole time I am thinking about being alone. I feel really shallow that I think/feel this way but I just dislike hanging out.... Oddly, when I've had boyfriends it's okay (usually because they've all been very long 1-3+ years--I live with them and it becomes routine)... Even without sensory issues, I don't think I would enjoy hanging out much but I could be wrong about that.

I have on a few good, close friends. I don't want any more friends... I like the ones I do have, even though I don't want to hang out. Part of me feels like I just don't really care about other people's lives--if a stranger needs help (on any level, even if just to listen to them), I help and I do care very much care in that sense... But, I don't really care about getting to know them beyond that... If that makes sense. I do care about my friends a ton, I am super loyal and, put their needs before mine most of time... I like to know how their day was, even the most useless details about it... If I am going to have a friend I feel it should be "all or none" like if we're not very close... what is the point? Especially since most people don't put up with the "I dont hang out" thing.

My question is... Do any of you experience a similar view on friendship and hanging out? Do you love/like your good friends but still have 0 interest to hang out? And, how do you explain to people that you just don't enjoy hanging out without hurting feelings??!

I try to be as nice as possible, since I had those kind of manners drilled into me as kid... I pretty much analyze everything before I say it to make sure it can't hurt feelings or be rude on any level... But, it seems like when I tell people it's stressful to be out or around anyone else... They always seem to debate or reason with how I feel--I feel kind of pressured into hanging out with them or I just get angry after trying to be kind about it. It's like I either don't explain the issue well or they take it personally (thinking I dislike them, or they are special enough to get around my issues)...

It's really frustrating and I am not sure how to deal with this anymore :( I am tired of making "excuses" and I can't lie and say I am busy, etc :/ People have suggested I just tell them, "no" but I feel like they deserve an explanation... Especially if they ask more than once :[

Sorry that was a lot longer than I intended... Just wanted to give you guys some kind of idea where I am coming from and see where you guys are coming from (in as much detail as you would like!!!)... How can I deal with this? :]
thruthetrees
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:05 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby sunstone » Sun May 23, 2010 8:15 am

I completely relate to what you say about friendship.

I used to have a lot of 'friends' that I socialized with but other than seeing them at particular places I never really wanted to get close to them. It used to trouble me because I thought I was being false but I did enjoy their company in small, controlled doses but just not all the time. I know that is pretty selfish and I felt so guilty most of the time that I was unable to manage it successfully so it was all pretty stressful.

My friendships and even my relationship are controlled (discreetly) by me a lot of the time. I need people less and less the older I get so the amount of time that I can spend has to be rationed almost for my own peace of mind. Most of the time, it isn't a problem because other people have their own lives to lead too and don't want or need to hang out every night, or every weekend. I find if I have had a few days alone (usually about 2) I actually look forward to going out and meeting up with someone. I get very hurt by people and am hyper-sensitive which I guess is ironic because I know my aloofness/coldness has hurt a lot of people too. I do have high expectations of people in terms of loyalty and can forgive practically anything as long as I believe in them.

I wish I had needed people less when I was younger and been a bit more self-contained. I was running around here there and everywhere trying to fit in and be someone that I wasn't and it was exhausting! As much as I cannot say that I am happy right now because life is still difficult for me, I know that I am a stronger, more content person than I was and I protect myself more.
Petrossa wrote:

Imagine you have a blueprint for a sewage system. The blueprint is ok, but unfortunately it's for another city....
sunstone
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1146
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 4:02 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby Chucky » Mon May 24, 2010 9:19 pm

You both sound like me. With regard to the talking to strangers thing, I also do this and I believe it's done because there's no need to know the stranger long-term. I mean, we can talk to them for a minute and then never see them again. Letting a 'friend' into our lives, however, upsets our own sense of personal balance that we have. I don't hang out with anyone these days - My entire life is just the university hospital and my apartment. I used to try to enjoy going out - like ou seem to have done - but I gave up lying to myself by trying to believe that i actually enjoyed it.

Kevin
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby Brains_&_Burgers » Tue May 25, 2010 10:40 am

i'm also the same way -- and i used to try to hang out with people, to try to be like other people. i thought that i 'should', and did it because i felt guilty when i didn't. as a result, i was very unhappy... i am now much happier with spending a bit of time here and there with my two friends. that is enough for me (sometimes too much, really). i don't try to be like other people anymore, and don't have problems turning people down for 'socializing'. if they think this or that about me, then so be it. i don't care anymore.

one thing i've wondered though, is if i ever get a job -- what will happen when co-workers 'hang out'. will it matter that i don't?? back to the same problem i guess, in a different context. kevin, have you come across this problem in the university environment?
User avatar
Brains_&_Burgers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 291
Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2009 9:19 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby petrossa » Tue May 25, 2010 4:55 pm

I used to take a pocketbook with me when i 'had' to socialize. Birthday party or something like that. As soon as i could i'd slink of to a corner and started reading my book.

Now i'm at an age were i just refuse to socialize. 15 minutes here and there, but more then that i can't muster.
It's so damn hard not to say what you think. If someone asks me a question i just answer it, and that got many people quite hurt.
Don't ask me: Does these clothes make me look fat......

Once a woman i knew asked what i thought of hair new hairstyle. I said (honestly obviously) It makes you look like a bulldyke :(
There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
User avatar
petrossa
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 7368
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 1:00 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby Chucky » Tue May 25, 2010 7:50 pm

I don't quite know what a bulldyke is - Is it a slang term where you are from? If a person asks me such a question as you were asked off-guard, then I stumble on my answer if I have to lie. However, if I genuinely like their hair or whatever, then I've no trouble saying how I feel about it.
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby Brains_&_Burgers » Tue May 25, 2010 8:41 pm

a bulldyke is a word used to stereotype a lesbian - she is supposed to be wearing a flannel shirt, blue jeans, comfortable shoes, have a mullet or otherwise short haircut and be somewhat masculine.
User avatar
Brains_&_Burgers
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 291
Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2009 9:19 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby katosjoes » Wed May 26, 2010 8:56 am

I find it easy to be honest with regular friends and just be blunt, if I don't want to hang out or if I need time alone.
I find it even easier to be honest with close friends, because they know me better. They also know that when I've had my time alone, I'm much more open and social when I do hang out :)
If people don't like my honesty, I wouldn't expect them to be honest with me either - and then I don't want to pursue a friendship beyond "Hullo, nice weather, innit?" :P
katosjoes
Consumer 2
Consumer 2
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:51 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby Chucky » Wed May 26, 2010 11:17 pm

lol... ..I'm trying not to talk about the weather to anyone these days. i hate being 'normal', and I see that (talking about weather) as normal. Instead, I try to ask different questions directly related to the person I am speaking too. This involves more thought, however, as I have to recall all current information I have for that person. it's good for forming closer relationships though.

Kevin
psychforums.com rules:
http://www.psychforums.com/forum-rules.php


Please send me a private message if you need help with anything.
Chucky
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 28158
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:04 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:10 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: How to deal w/people I/You don't want to hang out with?

Postby MeELC » Fri May 28, 2010 3:16 pm

I can definitely relate to topaz and playinginamist.

I'm very aloof and tend to want to see people on MY terms when -I- feel like it. But then I feel rejected when they want to spend some time alone (though that feeling doesn't last long, I get absorbed in something and stop thinking about it.).

Playinginamist says he feels very bad for strangers and wants to help them but doesn't want to get to know them beyond that. I can very much relate. In fact, I believe this is why I work in politics, for a party with socialist tendencies: it's my way to give back and help vulnerable people without actually having to deal with them personally. But he said his friendships were very deep and he was interested in knowing how the friend's day went, how they felt, etc., sadly I am not the same way. Of course I'm concerned with their well being and want my friends to be happy, but I really DON'T want to hear "all about it". It makes me feel horribly guilty. :(
MeELC
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:14 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Asperger's Syndrome Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 111 guests

cron