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Dating a man with Asperger's

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Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby Girl1891 » Sun Apr 11, 2010 3:55 pm

About 4 months ago I met a man online who has Asperger's. He's very sweet and we hit it off well, so we agreed to meet offline. We did dinner and a movie, which was fun. Over dinner I asked lots of questions about him, his work, his likes/dislikes, etc, however received mostly simple responses without him asking me questions which made conversation flow somewhat hard and there were quite a few awkward pauses. He had good eye contact though and seemed to smile quite a bit. After dinner, we walked around for a few minutes with minor conversation just looking over everything. When I asked, he told me he usually is very quiet. After we went into the movie and were waiting for it to start, he texted someone (IDK who or what about). At the start of the movie I reached over and took his hand (he had told me in IM before meeting he'd be ready for that) since he seemed shy and wasn't going to do it first. He gladly took it, linking our fingers together and looked over and smiled at me, holding on to it for the whole movie (almost 2 hours). After the movie he walked me out to my car and we said an awkward goodbye, but he didn't mention anything about a possible second meeting. He also hasn't contacted me yet about anything (2nd meeting, saying he had a good time, etc. whatever) even though I send him a message saying I had fun and hoped to do something again sometime. I realize he may not be the best communicator verbally because of his Asperger's and I'm okay with that, but do his actions (and lack of some actions) reveal he likes me or would consider seeing me again? I'd love to see him. How long do guys with Asperger's usually wait to get in touch after a date/meeting? Before hand he'd text me at least once a day either just to say hi, or goodmorning or something.

Anything you have is great. I genuinely like this man and want to understand him :D
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby Chucky » Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:00 pm

That time ion the cinema sounds like my first date, except that i'm the one with Asperger's Syndrome. Out of curiosity, is it you who is claiming that he has Asperger's or is it him? Also, what was he like at the dinner/restaurant? You will have to be very patient for him to open up. I do'nt think that I or anyone else here can tell you honestly if he likes you or not, but you seem to be willing to continue the relationship at least. Many girls would have lost patience already I think. It takes a long time for us to become familiar with people, but eventually you should notice him talking more.

How long has it been now since no contact? He could have the feeling currently that the date went terribly and that you don't like him anymore. That's the type of paranoid feeling we can get. So, it might be up to you to lead the relationship for now and for the forseeable future. I mean, you should arrange the next date.

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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:05 pm

you're probably going to have to be very direct. try the following questions: 1) 'do you like me', 2) assuming the answer to 1) is yes, 'would you like to go out on another date', and 3) assuming the answer to 2) is yes, 'when would that be convenient for you'.
Last edited by shock_the_monkey on Sun Apr 11, 2010 10:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby TNSe » Sun Apr 11, 2010 10:44 pm

Indeed. Just invite him out for round #2.

He might just logically reason that you are more experienced so he doesn't know how it went. You might just have to take control of this situation yourself.
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby Dog of the Gaps » Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:48 pm

The above advice sounds pretty good to me. If he really has AS he isn't playing games. There is always the chance that he doesn't "feel any chemistry" and that he doesn't know how to tell you, but I wouldn't bet on that just yet. Maybe give him days or a week between trying to contact him? That way he wouldn't feel pressured.

He's LUCKY to have met someone who want to understand him.
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby Girl1891 » Mon Apr 12, 2010 1:46 am

@ Chucky/Kevin: He told me before we even met that he had Asperger's, so I know he does
He was rather quiet at the restaurant, but VERY polite. As I said, I asked quite a few questions, but he answered them simply, and did not ask any himself. He seemed somewhat shy/reserved, and extremely nervous though as he kept playing with he's keys, picking them up/putting them down, etc. It's nice to know it may just take some time for him to become familiar with me. It's also nice to know another AS guy's date went the similar route :)

@ Shock the monkey and TNSE: That is really nice to know. When it comes to guys and dates I'm rather shy and inexperienced myself, but if I have to be more outgoing and direct to date him, I most certainly will. Thank you :)

@Dog of the Gaps: I facebook messaged him saying I had a good time and would like to see him again (appropriate I thought since we have conflicting schedules, it's less pressure than the phone, plus we met on fb), so that way he knows I thought it went well and would like to go on another date with him. He responded that he enjoyed it too, but didn't suggest another date, sooo I'll give him some time and after awhile (week or so) if he doesn't suggest one, I will and see what he says.

Dog of the Gaps wrote:He's LUCKY to have met someone who wants to understand him.


Aww, well he's really sweet (though from what I've heard lots of guys with AS are. I've done a little bit of reading and everything says they're sweet, honest, loyal, etc just lacking socially, but I'd personally be okay with that. I'm not one of those girls who likes to go out a lot (Friday night at home with movies is cool with me) plus I don't mind having some me time either away from people :) ), and I really like him, so I'll learn however much about Asperger's I have to so that I can understand and communicate with him effectively/better :) It's really great y'all are willing to help me out here; you guys are awesome :)
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby Girl1891 » Mon Apr 12, 2010 5:00 am

Oh, and any conversation points I should maybe know about? How to engage him better?
the awkward pauses are...well...awkward. I feel like maybe I'm boring him or something which is why it makes me feel awkward. Are guys with Asperger's more comfortable with those awkward pauses than non-asperger guys? Cause if I know he's okay with them, I'm okay with them too. Who says you have to talk non-stop anyway right? :)
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby TNSe » Mon Apr 12, 2010 6:04 am

I find those awkward pauses just as awkward as anyone else I believe. It will become less awkward with time. Atleast it did for me. Just keep on telling him what you think and hopefully he will get used to having you around.
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:18 am

i'll just mention that it's probably not a good idea to pump him with too many questions. he may feel overwhelmed by them. also, just because he isn't asking you about yourself doesn't mean you can't talk about that. most people only want to talk about themselves!!! so, try to keep the conversation balanced. it'll also help to build the relationship, as relationships are about mutual self-disclosure and sharing of thoughts and feelings.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Dating a man with Asperger's

Postby FredOak3 » Mon Apr 12, 2010 1:50 pm

Sounds like my wife and mine first date. She tells me she thought I didn't like her. And she did the same thing you did in taking my hand in the movie.
At the time I didn't know I had AS. And the awkward and pessimistic feelings I had about the date looking back on it were just me.

She still leads most conversations as I'm not one to talk much (unless you get on my current infatuation), so you could find out what that is. Of course you may not be able to shut him up and get bored to tears as he goes on and on ;-)

Looking back on it other things that come to mind are:
What does he consider his space...does he get uncomfortable as you get close or does he welcome it.
Watch that he doesn't get offended if you make a funny sarcastic comment, as he might not recognize the sarcasm.
Look for little clues and then you may have to push him a bit. I was (and still am) such an introvert and generally pessimistic about myself.

But also remember once you get use, we are generally loyal as a loving puppy.
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