by shock_the_monkey » Tue Jun 20, 2017 8:17 am
basically, yes. i used to be excellent at all forms of art and craft. i gave them all up because i felt they didn't form the basis of a credible career - something that, looking back, i deeply regret now. i've thought about trying to rekindle this interest, however, i keep thinking to myself that it's all too long ago now and i'd never be any good at them anymore. and then there's the whole 'what value could they possibly be to my life' thing. i find it hard to 'value' things for their pleasure. and i realised a long time ago that what motivated me was seeking approval, which i also no longer 'value'. so, it's hard. if only i could 'value' myself and my own desires. but i never seem to be able to. the same thing happened with my poetry. i've got a collection of poems about a certain theme that i'd like to publish, but i just can't persuade myself that they're worthwhile or that anyone else would really appreciate them. anyone that does say how good my poems are i just put down to them being kind to me, rather than that they genuinely mean it. i guess it's difficult to see one's self in a positive light if one lacks self-esteem. and that, to me, is the root of this issue. if i had more self-esteem, i'd follow my heart rather than letting my head talk me out of it all the time.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey
there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey
don't like it but i guess i'm learning
... shock the monkey to life