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I feel like complete $#%^

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I feel like complete $#%^

Postby mikesdavid » Wed Feb 01, 2017 7:23 pm

I feel like complete $#%^ right now. The problem is, I wish my parents hadn't been so hasty to get me hooked up with a concerta prescription when I was six. It would make things so much easier if I had made that decision myself when I was an adult. I got off the medication for two reasons. One, it took away any ounce of personality that I have, two, it was no longer effective. I wish I knew who I was before I started taking it, because it really ###$ with my self-identity. I spent a long time as a really closed off guy who just focused on what was in front of him, was uncomfortably quiet, and didn't really have any hobbies or passions(just going through the motions). I just assumed that was how I was, but I was unhappy, so since I think way to much, I eventually thought my way out of that. I didn't like people and was a really cynicle/"edgy" person. Now I want nothing more than to have friends, close ones. I don't hate people, I love them. This is where the identity crisis comes in. I am not supposed to be some "introverted" shy person. I can remember being really outgoing and funny and silly as a kid, but once I hit junior high, I was suddenly some complete loner. The drug dosage ramped up really quickly. Like, I was taking 136 milligrams when I stopped taking it. I didn't like taking the medication. I remember my parents always asked if I didn't like taking it, because I would skip out sometimes, because I wanted to know who the ###$ the real me was, and I always said no, because I didn't want to disappoint them. They would usually use the withdrawal induced period of hyperactivity to get me right back into the routine. I have never stuck with anything. I mean, I stuck with schoolwork, but I didn't really like school, Its just that the drugs can keep you focused on anything. Other things that make me wonder are the fact that my parents would constantly threaten my younger brother with things like "your reminding me of your brother, are we going to have to give you medication too?". They also treated me like a retard, taking any level of agency away from me, and placing it directly on the shoulders of my brother. Like when we were horsing around and my mom didn't like it, she would say "You have to be responsible, your brother is a brainless zombie". That's essentially what she would say, albeit, with a tiny bit of embellishment :) . I don't feel like I ever developed any interests. Except for videogames. Videogames I can play for hours. I feel worse than I ever have right now. I have no impulse control, I eat like a pig. I don't know whats wrong. I know that I was taking way to high of a dose, but I tried taking an infinitely lower dose, and I got the same #######5 results. I was spaced out, boring, didn't want to talk to anyone, felt lethargic. Now I feel really #######5, it probably has something to do with the fact that I cant find a job. Ive been applying for a month now. I got a few interviews, but no ######6 dice. I've been happy before though, so at least I know that feeling terrible isn't the default state of being. This was a rant. I feel like throwing something directly at a wall, but they are all made of #######5 drywall. When I get my own house, it will have metal walls, and tarps over the carpet that I can roll up when guests come over. I don't know if anyone can offer advice. I just don't know anyone else who has been diagnosed with adhd, and I have never heard complaints like mine. I wish I could relate to someone. Mayby you're here? Would love to hear from you.
mikesdavid
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Re: I feel like complete $#%^

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Feb 18, 2017 10:50 pm

this is the AS forum, not the ADHD forum. as such, my response to your post may be somewhat mis-placed. nevertheless, you appear to blame a lot on the meds that you took. you may be right. the thing is, that's in the past now. you have to look forwards, not backwards. i think we can all wonder what our lives are really about if we take the time to do so. not having a meaningful existence is a very good reason to contemplate the meaninglessness of our existence. you need, therefore, to find something that is meaningful to you. this may sound trite, however, only you can decide what makes your life worthwhile. i've spent a lot of my life wondering what it's all really been about. looking back, i've always been happiest when i thought i was achieving something, even if really i wasn't. we all fool ourselves into believing what's important to us and what's not. and, quite often, some life even will come along and ruin the illusion that we've so carefully created for ourselves. it's seeing life for what it is and still being able to find some meaning in it that's tricky. and i can't say i know how to make anyone believe what they don't. all i can say is that you just have to keep trying.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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