Need some advices about a love story with an AS

i think you need to recognise that he has limitations regarding his social relationships. it's not that he's doing anything wrong. it's just that, for you, he's not doing enough right. it's simply a matter of compatibility. only you can decide how delusional you are, but i'd make a distinction between delusion and hope. that said, i do think you might be hoping for something that will never be.

Hi !
I'm back... I'm still in a relationship with my AS traits man, It's almost a miracle... To be honest, I fight everyday to make this relationship possible. When we are together, it's wonderful. When we are separated, it's quite impossible to bear. There has been significant progress in some areas of the relationship but in others, no progress at all.
He's decided to build a life next to me ( in a large town at around 40 minutes from my home), he found bands to play with and he is looking for a place to live there. Everything should seem perfect but... He always does this. Until now, He's moved a lot all around the world and has settled in numerous towns but finally he always quickly left the place and all he built up with...
I know that I must look always unfulfilled, but it's very difficult to be safe with a so unexpected person. He was near me during one month, we saw each other one time a week and had regular conversations on skype. And then, suddenly, I had no news and I learnt two days after that he went abroad without warning me... I just need to be informed about the change. I'm not a " routine" girl, not at all if I had to compare with the girls around me, but I need few security ! And I tried a lot to explain him why it hurts me to know that he left without a word but he didn't understand what was the problem. He asked if it was forbidden to travel ! It was not the point...
As I promised him to be patient and to go step by step, I don't really think about a break-up ( even more because I'm really in love with him...) but I'm hurt all the time and sometimes I feel completely depressed... Happily, I continue to work on my own projects ( and i've got a lot of interests) and to meet my sweet friends which keeps me in a quite good shape. I think a lot of this relationship, I'm aware about the incredible efforts he's made to be with me but I still feel uncomfortable. I need security and I'm quite sure that I would be ok if he only informed me about his trips and if I knew when he would come back home. I never know when he'd leave and when he'd be back. It makes me very nervous and gives me the impression than I'm her slave... You could tell me : don't be, do your own stuffs and don't manage your diary according to his availabilities. If I did, there would be no relationship...
I know that I'm not made for a classical relationship, I've never dreamt about it. I'm very independent and I'm sure we are not so far to be in a nice and fulfilled relationship for both... Nevertheless, if it's his profile not to plan ( it makes him very anxious to have a deadline), it won't change and I'll remain unhappy...
Any advices ?

i think my previous advice was very apt. you're stuck in what is undoubtedly an ambivalent relationship, that is you love and hate it in almost equal measure, because you're afraid of breaking free of it. i've been there myself. it's not how relationships should be. if i were you, i'd tone this down substantially. i'd have accepted that this would never give me what i really want. holding on to that illusion is, i suspect, only going to hurt you in the long run. you really do need to be realistic and accept that he's going to do things that will hurt you and the only way to avoid that hurt is to not care so much.

Nice to read you again ! You're still very sensitive in your post
I agree with your point of view. Either I give up, either I don't care. I think giving up is the more rational way to feel better but it's very difficult for me to make that decision, I'm really scared about that because of my previous try and the depressed mood which followed. So it seems to be more possible to have distance and to expect less about this relationship. I work hard to be less touched and to accept the situation as a fate. BUT... It's stronger than me, emotions overwhelm me and if he tells me that he has to postpone his arrival once again, I get very sad and anxious, and angry also. It ends up few hours after and I expect again. It's a circle.
You told me that you had the same experience, would you like to describe me it a bit ? Which solution did you find ?
I need tricks to overcome my difficulties. It's a weird life's period for me but I'm happy to learn so much about human's psychology and about me as well.

you might like to look at this from a buddhist perspective. it's not so much about not caring, it's about not being attached. candidly, i think this is semantics. nevertheless, a caring non-attachment, that is being involved but not overwhelmed, might be a middle ground that gives you a chance of gaining a better perspective. ultimately, all these things are about control. we like to know that we have control of the things that matter to us. we don't like them controlling us. only when we relinquish that control can we be free of their affect on our lives. non-attachment is like that. you surrender the need for control but maintain an involvement that doesn't rely on the outcome of any given situation. it's doable but it takes a lot of discipline and fortitude. stepping back can be very hard. stepping back but still seeing what's happening is even harder.

as for myself, i had a relationship with a woman that has schizophrenia. i was very keen on making it work and bent over backwards in terms of making allowances for her mental health problems. to cut a long story short, she started claiming that i was persecuting her and became very abusive towards me. this isn't uncommon with schizophrenics. it got to a point where the abuse was simply too much for me. i still regret that it didn't work out, but i know i did all i could and far more than was actually expedient. so, whilst it was sad how it ended, it was completely beyond my ability to make the situation any better.

I try to be in a wiser perspective but it's not only a question of discipline and fortitude ( it is but not only), I think overcoming the emotion which overwhelms me would need years of meditation... Because I can spare my personality and improve in my self-control but I can't change who I am... So it's simply impossible for me not to be attached to the person I love, my brain is made like this.
By the way, I have to find strength and to accept some of my reactions If I want to get better. I work hard ! I'm quite sure this relationship will be over when I would have found the solution.
What sort of issues did you have to struggle with in your relationship with a woman who has schizophrenia ? I'm very interested on that.

i'm very much nature over nurture. nevertheless, it is possible for us to change our nature. this has to do with free will. we can impose our free will on our instinctive responses, and the more we do so the more easily we find we can do it. also, you have to realise what is driving your nature. in the case of needing a reliable partner, this basically comes down to an evolutionary desire for a stable family unit in which to bring up children. i don't get the impression that's what you're aiming for here. as such, his unreliability is actually largely irrelevant. if you could see it in that context, you could more easily rationalise why your feeling hurt is also irrelevant, in other words, in this respect, you'd be able to adopt a more 'devil may care' attitude. that doesn't mean you stop caring about him. you just stop caring about his behaviours that go against you nature.

as for my former schizophrenic girlfriend, probably the most hurtful aspect of the relationship was her inability to trust me. i don't want to go into any details here but she was seriously delusional and would claim i had done the most awful things to her that were completely untrue and unreal too. but it was the abusiveness that finally ended things between us. it just escalated to an extreme that was unbearable.

Your relationship with that woman seems to have been very harsh, I'm sorry for you. You were very brave in finding enough strength to give up.
It's funny because i'm more nurture than nature as I'm concerned, however I think sometimes it's too difficult to manage our psychology pattern ( which is not only the harvest of our natural tendencies but even more of our personal history). I know that it's possible to find a way out, that's why I think a lot and I try to figure solutions out. Moreover, I definitely believe that the difficulties I struggle with in this relationship are meaningful to understand my pattern in general and make the good choices. It's very difficult for me to give up and to accept that something is impossible as long as there is only my own mental resistance. Maybe, the point is here, I have to accept to give up. Not necessarily to give up the relationship itself but the hope I have in it. And, how to be sure if this hope is not to build a family ? I'm confused. I don't really know what kind of life could fit me. How the others do to know it so easily ? You might gather that "devil-may-care" is extremely difficult for me because it means lost control...
Thank you for your help !

if you held this to the standards of a reciprocal relationship, as it ought to be, it would soon unravel. you know that. it's why you're not doing it. i know you want more than this. so do you. but only you can decide to go after that something more. perhaps you think it's not there for you to find. i certainly came to that conclusion. or perhaps you don't have enough belief in yourself. or, as you say, perhaps your history with this man is simply holding you back. whatever, you only have so much time in life to fulfil your dreams. and for you, like everyone else, it's running out. i really don't know what it will take for you to realise that you have to be true to yourself, however, it's very apparent to me that you're suppressing that truth. decide what you want. tell him. and if it's not for him, he's not for you.

I'm pretty sure I would like to have a family with him... but is it a sincere wish when it seems to be impossible ? I would be more sure if I had the real opportunity.
As you advice me, I asked him about the future and he answered me that he would like to marry me and to have children with me, he loves me. I think it's very changing for him... and he doesn't realize exactly what it means. I don't want to educate children alone, I'm very independent and I have a lot of personal interests. For now, He can't even stand to be at my home more than two days...
I don't know how to tell him all the constraints it supposes and how far he is to satisfy them without hurt him and without being hopeless. It's very difficult for me to share my doubts with him because he is not reassuring at all...
Do you know what could I do ? How to share my view and be heard without hurting him ?
Sorry to be so in demand... and sorry if my english is sometimes awkward...