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Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

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Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby sudo @pocalypse » Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:16 am

How can I cope with recurring anger over recurring communication problems and intrusive memories of miscommunication?

I don't have Asperger's but I have similar communication differences (communicating literally, bluntness, unusual speech, etc.) that have created problems with people. Some of the problems happened years ago, but the memories keep popping up in my mind. I've developed anxiety around interacting with people at all, including online.

I resent people so much for never understanding what I'm saying. I put a lot of effort into communicating clearly, but they just won't stop reading into what I say, making assumptions, and projecting emotions on me that I don't feel.

I don't know how to let it go because there's no solution. This has even happened with psychology professionals, which is part of the reason why I'm afraid to seek psychological help. I have no one else to ask, no one will understand. I cannot communicate like a neurotypical, I give up, I hardly ever socialize online, and never offline, but the final task is getting over the anger, resentment, and frustration, stopping the random memories.

-- Sun Jun 05, 2016 7:19 pm --

I meant to add that I hope it's ok to post here. I have an auditory processing deficit and communicating with neurotypicals has proven to be a lost cause, but I had more success when I socialized on an autism/Asperger's forum, and those are the people I can relate to.
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:22 pm

i think you have a certain over-sensitivity to being misunderstood. no two people have the exact same understanding of language. moreover, NTs rely much more on what you don't say (your none-verbal communication) than what you do say. my advice is try to be more tolerant. you don't have to make yourself understood all the time. sometimes it's better to simply let such misunderstandings go. in the words of the beatles, let it be.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby sudo @pocalypse » Wed Jun 08, 2016 3:43 am

I guess I've failed to make myself understood again.

Be tolerant of trained professionals misdiagnosing me because they mix up the details of my history? Over-sensitive to people getting unpredictably angry at me for stuff I haven't even said? Ok.

In a way, I agree with you. I need to be tolerant of never being able to have a successful conversation for the rest of my life.
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Jun 08, 2016 6:32 pm

sudo @pocalypse wrote:I guess I've failed to make myself understood again.

Be tolerant of trained professionals misdiagnosing me because they mix up the details of my history? Over-sensitive to people getting unpredictably angry at me for stuff I haven't even said? Ok.

In a way, I agree with you. I need to be tolerant of never being able to have a successful conversation for the rest of my life.

... do you think i'm saying what i am from a standpoint of zero experience. i lost my job and career over a misdiagnosis. i've lived the entirety of my life feeling that i never belong anywhere. you have two choices: keep being angry with everyone or let it go. if you keep feeling angry with everyone, that's exactly the non-verbal communication that they'll pick up. and that will simply isolate you further from those few people that might have understood you. letting go isn't just a matter of denial or allowing people to abuse you, it's a very pragmatic choice. it gives you back control of your life instead of allowing yourself to be controlled by your reactions to others. go and look at buddhism and what it says about non-attachment. you're too attached to your righteous indignation, for what of a better expression, and it's dragging you down. let it go.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby sudo @pocalypse » Wed Jun 08, 2016 6:45 pm

*deleted*
Last edited by sudo @pocalypse on Wed Jun 08, 2016 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby sudo @pocalypse » Wed Jun 08, 2016 7:01 pm

shock_the_monkey wrote:you're too attached to your righteous indignation, for what of a better expression, and it's dragging you down. let it go.

OK, let me try this approach instead. I don't understand why you posted that stuff about your experience; I don't understand what it has to do with me.

I appreciate your response, but I asked for coping tactics and "let it go" and "be tolerant" don't seem like coping tactics. Those are great as goals, but I think of a coping tactic as something more short-term, a way to reach one of those goals, a specific, concrete behavior that I can put into practice right now.

I mean I basically made this whole thread to ask how to begin to let it go, so telling me to let it go seems redundant. The situation is too big a part of my life to just let the whole thing go all at once.
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby shock_the_monkey » Wed Jun 08, 2016 9:09 pm

talk less. listen more. if it's an important issue, try to build on commonality rather than difference. try to ask rather than explain. be tolerant of difference. people don't have to agree. be polite. and be grateful too. at the moment you're trying to force your perceptions onto other people. it's not working. you need to try to encourage them to perceive you positively, before you can hope that they'll try to listen to you.

and by the way, your line about not understanding my experience is part of your problem. people want to be heard and understood. if you can't do that for them, why on earth would you expect them to do it for you. it's necessary to be willing to give in order to receive. you don't seem to understand that.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby leiladream » Mon Jun 13, 2016 6:42 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:talk less. listen more. if it's an important issue, try to build on commonality rather than difference. try to ask rather than explain. be tolerant of difference. people don't have to agree. be polite. and be grateful too. at the moment you're trying to force your perceptions onto other people. it's not working. you need to try to encourage them to perceive you positively, before you can hope that they'll try to listen to you.

and by the way, your line about not understanding my experience is part of your problem. people want to be heard and understood. if you can't do that for them, why on earth would you expect them to do it for you. it's necessary to be willing to give in order to receive. you don't seem to understand that.

Thank you. I feel like I needed to read that. This is good advice, and I can relate a lot to the OP but the frustration is hard to put into words.
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Jun 13, 2016 1:20 pm

leiladream wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:talk less. listen more. if it's an important issue, try to build on commonality rather than difference. try to ask rather than explain. be tolerant of difference. people don't have to agree. be polite. and be grateful too. at the moment you're trying to force your perceptions onto other people. it's not working. you need to try to encourage them to perceive you positively, before you can hope that they'll try to listen to you.

and by the way, your line about not understanding my experience is part of your problem. people want to be heard and understood. if you can't do that for them, why on earth would you expect them to do it for you. it's necessary to be willing to give in order to receive. you don't seem to understand that.

Thank you. I feel like I needed to read that. This is good advice, and I can relate a lot to the OP but the frustration is hard to put into words.

... i tapped on this thread thinking that my advice probably wasn't what the OP wanted to hear. i was about to say i was sorry if i hadn't managed to make myself understood. it's strange how things we do get to places we never imagine!
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Coping with Anger at Miscommunication

Postby sudo @pocalypse » Sun Jul 17, 2016 1:58 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:
leiladream wrote:
shock_the_monkey wrote:talk less. listen more. if it's an important issue, try to build on commonality rather than difference. try to ask rather than explain. be tolerant of difference. people don't have to agree. be polite. and be grateful too. at the moment you're trying to force your perceptions onto other people. it's not working. you need to try to encourage them to perceive you positively, before you can hope that they'll try to listen to you.

and by the way, your line about not understanding my experience is part of your problem. people want to be heard and understood. if you can't do that for them, why on earth would you expect them to do it for you. it's necessary to be willing to give in order to receive. you don't seem to understand that.

Thank you. I feel like I needed to read that. This is good advice, and I can relate a lot to the OP but the frustration is hard to put into words.

... i tapped on this thread thinking that my advice probably wasn't what the OP wanted to hear. i was about to say i was sorry if i hadn't managed to make myself understood. it's strange how things we do get to places we never imagine!

Well, it wasn't what I wanted to hear (read) because it apparently has little or nothing to do with what I asked. I asked how to deal with my own emotions, and you gave me advice about communicating with people. You have no idea how little I talk or how much I listen, yet you advised me on both. And a bunch of other things (and unfounded assumptions) that have nothing to do with managing anger or resentment.

You also assumed that my not knowing why you were talking about yourself was "part of my problem," but the fact of the matter is that I'm not a mind reader. You didn't state the purpose of your examples about yourself, there was more than one possible reason, and I certainly was not going to assume what you meant.

What I have gained from this thread is twofold: You've reinforced my resolve to avoid asking for advice, and I've come to see that everything that everyone says is primarily about herself. Everything I've said is primarily about myself, and everything you said is primarily about you, and only secondarily (a distant second) about me. So the time I spent puzzling over what anything you posted has to do with anger was wasted.
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