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Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

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Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby Never know » Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:36 pm

Hello,

I've come here to bounce my thoughts off of people who are knowledgeable and have experience with Asperger's syndrome. I've wondered this for a long time now and really don't know where to go from here. Some background:

Kids are grown...daughter is 22, son is 20 (son is the one in question)
Son has had many indications that lead me to believe he may have Asperger's but I've only just really started to think seriously about it now. If he has it, he would be high functioning and I think it would be fairly mild, yet there are just certain things about him that have always made some of our family relationships/dynamics difficult. Why am I pursuing this now? Because it seems more pervasive now that the kids are grown and making their own lives. My kids have always been very, very close and my daughter has always treasured her brother and been like a second mother to him (she was born an old soul). She is getting married soon and has a house. She is having a difficult time with how distant her brother seems and how reluctant he seems to be to engage with the family, her wedding plans, etc. He goes along with everything, but it just seems like he doesn't understand that these are special times that you embrace. Conversations don't seem to flow between them either. They have never had any negativity in their relationship, so it's not due to that. My son's dad also has always had a difficult time connecting with him despite so many efforts to engage with him, get involved in his sports, etc. Again, our family doesn't fight or argue, we've always talked but getting my son to engage in those heart to hearts has always been so difficult too.

I'm trying to keep this short, but recently my daughter was speaking with a friend who had 5 kids, several of which have aspergers (including the husband). When my daughter was talking about her brother, the woman seemed to identify. My daughter and I talked about this yesterday, and this woman's experiences and her identifying with this helped confirm my suspicions. Him being an adult now sort of complicates things, but it would be so nice for him to finally be understood. I have always felt like the only one in the family who really gets him and looking back at my own life, experiences and issues, I strongly suspect I may even have Asperger's. There's so much more I could say, but I'll conclude with a list of reasons I think he may have Asperger's and I'd love feedback from those of you with definitive experiences with this. I know many of these things are things experienced by the general public, but it just seems to me that all together they create a picture that is not at all like someone in the general public. Here goes:

Signs that make me think….
• Holding food in mouth as toddler…wouldn’t swallow it never understood why...outgrew this
• Afraid of distant sound of trains as a toddler...took us a while to figure this out as we never noticed the train whistles...would wake him even at night
• Obsessed with pet lizards at age 9
• Had other obsessions over years…beyblades, anything like a ball that is round or bounces, collecting marbles, later on, playing football, now is heavy into bodybuilding and life revolves completely around that…all or nothing no matter what the obsession
• Talked fairly late…2ish…speech therapy in school for small impediments
• Odd ideas/thoughts…as a child was convinced that dream were real, teaching dog math, played two way checkers with virtual pets but he made moves for both sides, thoughts and wonderings that most people don't verbalize such as existential matters, philosophical matters, etc…
• Always had difficulty reading social cues and adjusting actions to suit who was around (less of an issue now as he seems to just withdraw but not in a depressive way...just seems easier for him
• Kind of a weird kid...very quirky (would describe a word as a colour, saved a certain shaped potato chip as the special one to eat last, etc..) and rigid with routines (going to do my homework at 8:15 and it would be on the dot, decides on a plan of action for tasks and would not veer off of it, specific ritual before every football game, etc..) especially as he got older
• Crying fits as a toddler for no apparent reason...grew out of this but was disturbing
• Weak fine motor skills…difficulty cutting, clumsy, yet athletic and good in sports
• Sometimes seems not to care because tends to isolate self from rest of family (more now)
• Difficulty making friends as a child….always had one friend, was bullied and shrugged it off well even though he was capable of defending self
• Very small circle of friends as a teen/adult
• Hesitates to commit to planned events (now)
• Strict diet and routine strong reluctance to veer for any reason (due to bodybuilding lifestyle but this runs his life..two hours in the gym is planned, then it's no more, no less, very black and white
• Seems emotionally absent with family or just very guarded yet we've always been so open
• Obsessed with school work when in school and works obsessively
• Judgemental of others, lack of tolerance for difference
• Speaks out of turn without realizing someone was talking (since childhood and even now)
• Unaware of others and how he may affect them in things he says or does (but is not mean)
• Difficult for family to really know him and feel he’s engaged…more as he gets older
• Doesn’t bend and is usually focused on needs of self rather than others not seeming to realize this hurts those close to him (again, many indications that he does care, but seems oblivious)

Sorry for the length, but would love some input. As a mother, I just want my kids to stay close and if my daughter can feel she can understand him and know he cares deep down, she may be able to stop hurting and feeling that they are drifting apart.
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Re: Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby justinckrmn » Wed Jul 29, 2015 5:22 am

Your son sounds exactly like me. I am a 20 year old male, diagnosed with pervasive developmental syndrome and Aspergers at 8 years old and again at 19 years old.

Many times, people with Aspergers will withdraw from friends, family, and conversations due to social anxiety, which is increases as they get older, because the older they get, they more times they get rejected/made fun of, which increases anxiety, thus increasing awkwardness, and continuing in a circle.

I myself, have become obsessed with bodybulding and diet, because it is way for me to feel confident in myself, although it doesnt actually help me socially. I have my routine planned out and all my meals planned out and timed. It is just a way for me to feel that I can have something to be proud of, and in the case of me and your son, probably something we hope the ladies will find attractive.
Has your son had any girlfriends or boyfriends, that you know of?

I too have the issue of being unaware of how I affect others by what I say. A lot of times, I don't know what to say myself, or am afraid people will not like what I'm going to say, because thats what happened a lot in the past. This could be how your son feels. He cares deep down, but just doesn't know how to express it, and fears rejection.

I would say that the best way to help your son, is to talk to him openly about everything. Tell him that you love him and that you will never judge anything he says or does, and that he doesn't have to worry about being rejected by you.
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Re: Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby Never know » Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:01 pm

Justinckrmn, thanks so much for your reply! I have to agree, you sound an awful lot like him! So much so that I actually took a second look at your username to see if it looked like something that might be him, lol. Especially since you mentioned being involved in bodybuilding also. He has been incredibly successful in that area and it is one area where he is looked up to by others who share that interest. Just like you, he spends a lot of time and energy on meal prep and ensuring he gets his daily two hour workout...even if it ends up being very late at night!

As I said in my original post, I feel I really do get him, but it's more difficult for others and that's where my stress is, and most likely his as well. I'm not so much worried about what others think, I'm more stressed about how he is feeling about it. He has had girlfriends but I must say that his track record with the girls he has chosen in the past is not great. They always seem to have issues, but in a way I think this is part of the attraction because he can 'support' them and may find it easier to 'know' what to do. Maybe if they have issues, they won't judge him? He has a girlfriend now and this one seems good so far so I'm hoping...

We have definitely always given him the support you have suggested and have always made sure he was aware that we are there for him no matter what and that nothing he could say or do would change that, but I guess, in getting older, there's the realization that the outside world is not always that forgiving. For the most part, I think he has trained himself well to function socially, but from my observation, his social interactions are carefully chosen and controlled. His sister feels they don't talk much anymore now that they're both adults and don't even live in the same house. She wants to maintain the close relationship with her brother that they had as kids and I want that for my kids as well...it's really the most important thing in the world to me. Do you have siblings? How is it for you?

I wonder if some kind of diagnosis, if he does have Asperger's would have made things easier or even how important a diagnosis is? I guess it would help a person to understand himself/herself better and that would reduce stress, but at 20 it seems like the possibility of that is likely gone. I read that they don't even diagnose Asperger's anymore and that they just label it as being on the spectrum?

In our family, we've always just accepted that he's a wonderful, quirky kid and we just shrug, chuckle and say, "that's him!" It can be difficult to feel sometimes that he doesn't care about being a part of family milestones like his sister's wedding, and I'm worried she will stop trying to reach out to him to save herself from rejection and that stresses me. He's slightly guarded with me but more open than with anyone else and my hope is that his girlfriend and his sister get along really well and that they will form the bridge he needs to stay involved. I feel I've always been the bridge between him and the rest of the family just because I wanted to protect him from feeling misunderstood.
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Re: Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby EternalMystery » Sat Sep 19, 2015 2:17 pm

Going by your list, he does seem to have AS.

If he does, the reason he is pulling away right now is because he is overwhelmed with the whole wedding plans and it's stressing him out. He most likely feels confused about what is going on. This is a new situation which he may not really understand or know what is expected of him. He is also losing his sister to her husband (how he feels it anyway), so he is confused about that as well.

The best thing would be not to force him to have too much involvement and give him opportunity to talk about what will be expected on the day so he knows what to do or what will happen. I realise it may have already happened by now, but if not, it's something to prepare him for.

I would encourage you to get him to seek diagnosis. It does help. It helps to know there is a reason why he has felt so different or overwhelmed in life. It's basically a different wiring of the brain, nothing to be ashamed of and by getting diagnosis, he will come to understand this.

It will also mean he will be able to seek services and programmes that are specially designed for his needs. And he will be able to get some help so he can learn new coping skills. He can't just see a therapist if they don't know about AS. Because his brain is wired differently, he needs to have things explained in a way he will understand. It's not the same as most people.

With full awareness and new coping strategies, he will be able to manage life experiences better and also better deal with new situations that might come up.
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Re: Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby Discotwit » Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:15 pm

It's possible. He definitely has aspergians traits. How genuinely disfunctional does that make him though? Forcing a disability diagnosis on to people is a big deal, if he is happy, functioning, not depressed and not self destructive you may do better just sucking it up and accepting that feelings get hurt in all situations.

I would definitely keep an eye on him. My undiagnosed as got me into a lot of trouble after I was thirty. At twenty I would have had no clue what my mum was on about had she tried to 'warn' me!
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Re: Wondering if adult son has Asperger's

Postby Bostonbob » Sun Dec 13, 2015 9:48 pm

Never know wrote:Hello,

I've come here to bounce my thoughts off of people who are knowledgeable and have experience with Asperger's syndrome. I've wondered this for a long time now and really don't know where to go from here. Some background:

Kids are grown...daughter is 22, son is 20 (son is the one in question)
Son has had many indications that lead me to believe he may have Asperger's but I've only just really started to think seriously about it now. If he has it, he would be high functioning and I think it would be fairly mild, yet there are just certain things about him that have always made some of our family relationships/dynamics difficult. Why am I pursuing this now? Because it seems more pervasive now that the kids are grown and making their own lives. My kids have always been very, very close and my daughter has always treasured her brother and been like a second mother to him (she was born an old soul). She is getting married soon and has a house. She is having a difficult time with how distant her brother seems and how reluctant he seems to be to engage with the family, her wedding plans, etc. He goes along with everything, but it just seems like he doesn't understand that these are special times that you embrace. Conversations don't seem to flow between them either. They have never had any negativity in their relationship, so it's not due to that. My son's dad also has always had a difficult time connecting with him despite so many efforts to engage with him, get involved in his sports, etc. Again, our family doesn't fight or argue, we've always talked but getting my son to engage in those heart to hearts has always been so difficult too.

I'm trying to keep this short, but recently my daughter was speaking with a friend who had 5 kids, several of which have aspergers (including the husband). When my daughter was talking about her brother, the woman seemed to identify. My daughter and I talked about this yesterday, and this woman's experiences and her identifying with this helped confirm my suspicions. Him being an adult now sort of complicates things, but it would be so nice for him to finally be understood. I have always felt like the only one in the family who really gets him and looking back at my own life, experiences and issues, I strongly suspect I may even have Asperger's. There's so much more I could say, but I'll conclude with a list of reasons I think he may have Asperger's and I'd love feedback from those of you with definitive experiences with this. I know many of these things are things experienced by the general public, but it just seems to me that all together they create a picture that is not at all like someone in the general public. Here goes:

Signs that make me think….
• Holding food in mouth as toddler…wouldn’t swallow it never understood why...outgrew this
• Afraid of distant sound of trains as a toddler...took us a while to figure this out as we never noticed the train whistles...would wake him even at night
• Obsessed with pet lizards at age 9
• Had other obsessions over years…beyblades, anything like a ball that is round or bounces, collecting marbles, later on, playing football, now is heavy into bodybuilding and life revolves completely around that…all or nothing no matter what the obsession
• Talked fairly late…2ish…speech therapy in school for small impediments
• Odd ideas/thoughts…as a child was convinced that dream were real, teaching dog math, played two way checkers with virtual pets but he made moves for both sides, thoughts and wonderings that most people don't verbalize such as existential matters, philosophical matters, etc…
• Always had difficulty reading social cues and adjusting actions to suit who was around (less of an issue now as he seems to just withdraw but not in a depressive way...just seems easier for him
• Kind of a weird kid...very quirky (would describe a word as a colour, saved a certain shaped potato chip as the special one to eat last, etc..) and rigid with routines (going to do my homework at 8:15 and it would be on the dot, decides on a plan of action for tasks and would not veer off of it, specific ritual before every football game, etc..) especially as he got older
• Crying fits as a toddler for no apparent reason...grew out of this but was disturbing
• Weak fine motor skills…difficulty cutting, clumsy, yet athletic and good in sports
• Sometimes seems not to care because tends to isolate self from rest of family (more now)
• Difficulty making friends as a child….always had one friend, was bullied and shrugged it off well even though he was capable of defending self
• Very small circle of friends as a teen/adult
• Hesitates to commit to planned events (now)
• Strict diet and routine strong reluctance to veer for any reason (due to bodybuilding lifestyle but this runs his life..two hours in the gym is planned, then it's no more, no less, very black and white
• Seems emotionally absent with family or just very guarded yet we've always been so open
• Obsessed with school work when in school and works obsessively
• Judgemental of others, lack of tolerance for difference
• Speaks out of turn without realizing someone was talking (since childhood and even now)
• Unaware of others and how he may affect them in things he says or does (but is not mean)
• Difficult for family to really know him and feel he’s engaged…more as he gets older
• Doesn’t bend and is usually focused on needs of self rather than others not seeming to realize this hurts those close to him (again, many indications that he does care, but seems oblivious)

Sorry for the length, but would love some input. As a mother, I just want my kids to stay close and if my daughter can feel she can understand him and know he cares deep down, she may be able to stop hurting and feeling that they are drifting apart.
If your son does have AS ,he certainly seems to be high functioning . His social life doesn't sound like it is a complete disaster since he has girlfriends and your family relationships seem to be okay even though he is quite distant . If you feel he can successfully navigate a career and relationships not sure if getting an official diagnosis is necessary.
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