Communication & Observations issue

I don't know if I want advice or just a rant but I am so fed up. Yes I have trouble communicating and am misunderstood - isn't that part of being AS?

Secondly I observe my surroundings when I want to feel safe and am full of hypervigilance. So when I see/observe something I tend to comment on it. I try hard to be tactful (it doesn't come naturally) but because I comment on it, people take it as calling them out on it (especially if it's to do with someone's behaviour or something they have said, rather than say appearance).

And I'm constantly chastised for doing so. Why?!

I mean if someone is behaving badly and I comment on noticing it, why am I the bad one for stating I've noticed? Why aren't they the bad one for their behaviour, or indeed the bad one for then chastising me for noticing and "daring" to speak about it?

I am told I'm a trouble maker, that I have an agenda, that I have ulterior motives. None of which do I think is true.

Yes I have curiosity. Yes I have a sense of justice and yes I like to protect those I think are being treated unfairly but I don't like to judge and if pushed I would only judge when I had all the facts, and even then probably if I had some first hand experience of the situation too.

Yet I get judged straight away. And told I'm the one with the problem.

I just don't get it at all.

this is call transference. they take their problem and transfer it onto you. it's done by people that don't want to be responsible for their own behaviour. they're best avoided.

I understand what you're saying. Probably why I'm agoraphobic then as 99% of the people I talk to end up doing this to me.

most people engage in, what i term, mutual usury. if you're not one of them, you're going to find it very hard fitting in anywhere. that's, sadly, just the way the world is.

I don't know what that means.

Anyway you're right. I don't fit in anywhere.

EarlyMorning wrote:I don't know what that means.

... it means that they base their social interactions on using each other. if you haven't got something they want, they don't want to know you. so, people socialise to get things out of each other.

^^ good point..

It's a difficult one for someone with aspergers to deal with because our style of communication and interaction is pretty different to most NTs..


The problem with pointing out someones bad behaviour is that because they don't like people noticing and it being pointed out makes them feel bad. The bad feelings they feel when it's pointed out to them are naturally directed towards you since you're the source of the threat.
They'll perhaps calm down a bit later and think about what you've said but since the fight or flight mechanism is set off when you first point out what they've done, you should very much expect negative reactions from most NTs.

A difficult one to work around..

I get what you mean. I understand that people don't like it pointed out but for example if it's on a forum and it's there for anyone to see, am I supposed to read it and not point it out? I guess so.

However if I do point it out in a non judgemental way (which I always try to do if the comments aren't about or to do with me directly) then I do understand why people don't like me pointing it out. I just don't get why they would accuse me of having motives FOR pointing it out (eg: I must KNOW the person they were being horrible to, or be on their side or be in cahoots or something).

I point it out because 1) It's there for people to see (so if you don't want it pointing out moderator, get rid of it - yes it was a moderator on another site who actually had a go at me for starting trouble by my observation of comments, not the commentators themselves). 2) Don't act that way in the first place whether online or in real life FOR it to be pointed out.

It's not the same thing, but I will use this as an example: In the news recently in the UK has been the highly publicised story of a footballer who got convicted of rape, served half his sentence, is out on licence and trying to get signed by a club. No club would take him because of what he'd done AND because of public outrage if they did so. Then one lower league club said they were going to sign him. Their staff then got sent deaththreats by the public so club withdrew the offer.

My point here is: who is worse? The person who committed rape (who is appealing his conviction, and hence hadn't apologised to the woman he got convicted of raping) or the gang mentality mob who threatened to KILL innocent people?

I know some people will argue that the footballer did the rape (as in the action that he was convicted for) and the mob used just words so the footballer is worse. But what if the club ignored the threats and someone was killed. Surely then THEY would be worse?

The point I'm making is people are so quick to judge others and if they disagree en masse it's pack mentality, some of whom are worse than the original person.

Like I said, it's an extreme example, and people probably won't see the correlation from my mind, but the recent example that made me start this thread was me noticing pack mentality towards a single person on another forum. I did not judge. I did think that that one person must've upset a lot of people,surely, for so many of them to react how they did, but I just don't like pack mentality. I brought it up and because that 1 person had been banned from said forums, the moderator came down on me for bringing up what had happened.

I find it so confusing.

I think yes it is better to keep your mouth shut when you see something you don't like, or a perceived injustice, or pointing out behaviour. I'm told I'm inappropriate but noone thinks twice about pointing this out to me! Which after all is calling me "out" on my behaviour, and apparently that's ok. But they don't do it tactfully or non judgementally like I try to they go in apparently fully knowing my motives, my character and making out I have no integrity. But that's ok it seems.

So confusing.

Best to become a mute I think but I want to live in a world where I can express my thoughts and feelings without judgement.

Ouch to the moderator turning against you for your views.. not cool at all.

This is the first site that I've found actually where people tend to argue against the comments rather than the person themselves so I hope you're much comfier here than you were on your last site as well xx

I got called ''stupid and dumb'' last week on another site for going against popular opinion and disagreeing with the regular clique of posters there.
I also got a couple of pms from people who agreed with me but felt unable to carry on posting in that forum because they'd been made to feel really uncomfortable and unwelcome there.

All i actually did was ask people to stop attacking a clearly distressed poster and think about their feelings.
The site that i'm talking about has actually just lost their moderators so it's a complete free for all right now and everyone is seeing it as a chance to do whatever they choose.


I think that you should carry on pointing out that you disagree with peoples opinions if you disagree with them..
do you think that your wording may need thinking about a little bit or do you think that your wording was okay and you just wandered into a bad clique of posters.?

If your wording does need revising then maybe say something like ''I disagree and think that _____''
Rather than saying something like '' You're wrong''

The ''you're wrong'' puts people on the defensive but the ''I disagree'' doesn't quite as much because you're not starting with a ''you'' statement on that and it doesn't feel so personal to the other person that way.


I was following the news about the footballer a little bit so i'm fairly familiar with things and i think that the people sending the death threats to the club were awful.
I think that sending the club letters of disapproval is fine but threats are completely wrong and immoral and should not be tolerated.

I don't think i'm able to stop saying when I disagree with something due to my sense of justice and fairness but I wish the same as you.. that people would quit with the pack mentality and gain a bit of empathy.

seabreezeblue wrote:Ouch to the moderator turning against you for your views.. not cool at all.

This is the first site that I've found actually where people tend to argue against the comments rather than the person themselves so I hope you're much comfier here than you were on your last site as well xx

I got called ''stupid and dumb'' last week on another site for going against popular opinion and disagreeing with the regular clique of posters there.
I also got a couple of pms from people who agreed with me but felt unable to carry on posting in that forum because they'd been made to feel really uncomfortable and unwelcome there.

All i actually did was ask people to stop attacking a clearly distressed poster and think about their feelings.
The site that i'm talking about has actually just lost their moderators so it's a complete free for all right now and everyone is seeing it as a chance to do whatever they choose.


I think that you should carry on pointing out that you disagree with peoples opinions if you disagree with them..
do you think that your wording may need thinking about a little bit or do you think that your wording was okay and you just wandered into a bad clique of posters.?

If your wording does need revising then maybe say something like ''I disagree and think that _____''
Rather than saying something like '' You're wrong''

The ''you're wrong'' puts people on the defensive but the ''I disagree'' doesn't quite as much because you're not starting with a ''you'' statement on that and it doesn't feel so personal to the other person that way.


I was following the news about the footballer a little bit so i'm fairly familiar with things and i think that the people sending the death threats to the club were awful.
I think that sending the club letters of disapproval is fine but threats are completely wrong and immoral and should not be tolerated.

I don't think i'm able to stop saying when I disagree with something due to my sense of justice and fairness but I wish the same as you.. that people would quit with the pack mentality and gain a bit of empathy.

Thank you so much for this. Not just because it seems you "agree" with me (I have often before been told that I am only cross with people because they do not agree with me, which is not true, I do not mind people not agreeing with me, I just don't like being attacked for having a differing opinion).

I think I worded myself well and as tactfully as I can be, I certainly am aware I can be blunt but as I was new to that site and the others there were not I made a conscious effort to try and be tactful. Also as the moderator had banned the person I had made mention of being "attacked by the pack" and not banned any of the pack, I feel that perhaps they took it as me insulting their decision. I found it interesting that they PM'd me rather than leaving the message on the thread.

All in all though I think the problem was that they didn't see it as any of my business and something I shouldn't have referred to, but I'm the sort of person that when I'm new I will read threads to get a feel of a site and if I do see an injustice, or pack mentality I will bring it up.

I once did jury service and after 3 days it ended up 10-2 in favour of sentencing not guilty. I was 1 of the 2 that had voted guilty. The other 1 then bowed to pressure of the other 10 as it was our last day and noone wanted to stay into the next week. I wasn't being obstinate, I believed what i had voted for, even though I was in the minority, but when I wouldn't change my mind the rest of them turned on me. Some got quite aggressive. One man said he would throw me out of the window if I didn't change my mind as he wanted to go home and who was I to ruin his plans! I stuck to my guns because I believed in my vote and I explained that the judge would probably take a majority ruling (which he did) but that it was important for me that the defendant didn't feel that she had everyone on her side. That was important to me based on the evidence I'd heard.

when we left that day 1 person said well done for sticking to my belief, the rest ignored me or insulted me.

Anyway, we all have a right to disagree or to speak our opinions I feel, and even if we are in the minority we should be able to be respected to say what we feel without feeling that it's some 'quid pro quo' social exchange or 'agree with the clique or get your arse kicked'.

Thanks for replying though, it has helped me knowing someone out there sees where I'm coming from. I often feel like a minority of 1. Also you are in no way stupid or dumb (as I'm sure you know). Thanks again.