Ze joke thread

I know this belongs to the Official Off Topic Thread, but all the jokes get buried in the chitchat there so you have to trawl thru the hole pile when you need one. Post your jokes here.
For starters:
Higgs Boson goes to the church. The priest says "Sorry my 'son, you cannot take the Holy Communion, cuz even tho you been confirmed, you weren't baptized yet. Higgs Boson says "That shucks, as there'll be no mass without me "

badjoke.

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hi, Mitt!"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender says: Hey,is this some kind of joke.

A man brings an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman to his study and tells each to go in and tell him what's on the table.

The Irishman comes out smiling, and says "A bottle of scotch. And it's still half full."

The Scot comes out all mopey and says "Bottle of scotch. Bugger, it's half empty."

The Englishman staggers out and says "Blimey, there's nothing on the table, mate."

A baby seal walks into a club

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please
place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end
of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO
IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS
OF MERCY.

That would be funnier if it were CRADLE OF FILTH