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My 12 year old son.....

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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby burgandysnowflake » Thu May 12, 2011 8:12 pm

I'm a chic Mary, just so you know XD!

Meriska wrote:I did not label him. I thought perhaps someone has or has had a similar situation, and what they did to make it easier until professional help was available.
And bad mothers don't try every avenue possible to get their children help. They do nothing.

But you did label him, or why else would you come specifically to this forum? And you're not getting a word I said, so I'll leave you alone. Pay attention to WHAT I say, not HOW I say it.

Good luck with the kid, you may find this hard to believe, but I mean that. He is indeed troubled.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby wooster » Thu May 12, 2011 8:22 pm

Meriska - there's a subforum about childhood 'problems': childhood-disorders/ (although I don't like the word "disorder"), you might get more appropriate advice there?
Good luck
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby marycarterpaint » Thu May 12, 2011 8:54 pm

burgandysnowflake wrote:I'm a chic Mary, just so you know XD!

thanks, the pleasure is mine, I didnt want to make assumptions!
burgandysnowflake wrote:Good luck with the kid, you may find this hard to believe, but I mean that. He is indeed troubled.

If it is 'conduct disorder' or whatever name it is called, you can expect a lifelong stuggle for both parent and child, and plenty of hard choices, no easy answers, and likely a poor outcome.

I hope that this is not what you face, and I wish you well regardless.

I dont believe that you will find hope on this forum, but you may find understanding. Keep in mind that you (not being AsPD) are a sheep among the wolves that populate this board. Hopefully things can be kept civil.
I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby wooster » Thu May 12, 2011 9:31 pm

marycarterpaint wrote: the wolves that populate this board. Hopefully things can be kept civil.
:? :? :?: The main reason why I settled on this particular subforum is that I find it the most civilized, well-mannered & courteous place on the entire site. I was especially flabbergasted by the overheated, irrational emotionality and bigot idealism of some members of the schizoid forum a while back, with a lot of baseless preconceptions, accusations and zealous hostility - all in the name of sensitivity.

"Sheep among the wolves" - people with a knee-jerk defensiveness & self-righteos 'victim'-mentality turn out to be the most rude & arrogant, usually.

(Sorry Meriska for hijacking your thread, it got nothing to do with your posts - I'm replying to mary~ here)

marycarterpaint wrote:
wooster wrote:Are you schizotypal by any chance, marycarterpaint? (sorry for asking, just curious..)

hard to say, I am still trying to understand (myself). the radical revisions to DMS5 suggest that psychology does not have answers (yet),
(... , etc. etc.)
of course, there are... differences, not all of them subtle.

I'm afraid you misunderstood the question.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby Onebravegirl » Thu May 12, 2011 9:40 pm

Regarding what you mentioned about his anger, in most cases anger is hurt, fear or frustration without a healthy outlet. Im a mother myself and as hard as it is to do, you have to stop trying to make this about what kind of mother people think you are, and make this about HIM.
He's just a boy. At this point he doesnt know how to control or express himself. You might think he should know better. But you dont know what is going on in his head and that is proven by your not knowing what he is so angry about. I know your frustrated and afraid, because you dont know what is going on yet. Either does he and hes just 12.
Make this about him and try and love him. If that boy EVER thinks you have stopped loving him or want to label him, you will be doing him as huge dis-service.
At his age he may not take seriously his Illness. Eating marshmallows as a way to self soothe is a heck of a lot different than what other kids are doing. At least he isnt cutting or starving himself. Of course diabetes is VERY serious as well, Im just saying that most boys think "its just a marshmallow". And he may not have empathy for his siblings, YET.
I am glad you are getting help for him. I hope it involves you both doing lots of talking as well.
Dont give up on him! And make sure you get yourself an understanding friend who supports you as well.
I was a horrible and mean teen. I turned out the exact opposite of who I was then.
Hang in there,
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby marycarterpaint » Thu May 12, 2011 9:45 pm

wooster wrote:
marycarterpaint wrote: the wolves that populate this board. Hopefully things can be kept civil.
I was especially flabbergasted by the overheated, irrational emotionality and bigot idealism of some members of the schizoid forum a while back, with a lot of baseless preconceptions, accusations and zealous hostility - all in the name of sensitivity.

so you were surprised by something that is not surprising, why am i not surprised?
wooster wrote:"Sheep among the wolves" - people with a knee-jerk defensiveness & self-righteos 'victim'-mentality turn out to be the most rude & arrogant, usually.

I dont mind arrogance, when warranted, which is almost never.
wooster wrote:
marycarterpaint wrote:
wooster wrote:Are you schizotypal by any chance, marycarterpaint? (sorry for asking, just curious..)

hard to say, I am still trying to understand (myself). the radical revisions to DMS5 suggest that psychology does not have answers (yet),
(... , etc. etc.)
of course, there are... differences, not all of them subtle.

I'm afraid you misunderstood the question.

please feel free to clarify.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby Demon » Thu May 12, 2011 9:54 pm

Meriska wrote:I thought perhaps someone has or has had a similar situation, and what they did to make it easier until professional help was available.


I went through a similar situation with my daughter. I've mentioned this before on this site, but I'll reiterate it here anyway. When my daughter was younger she used to tie her toys up and drown small creatures. She told me out of anger once that she wanted to stab me and she also told me on another occasion she wanted to blow up the store we were in because she was bored and wanted to go home. She used to steal and lie (she still lies from time to time). She was aggressive and hard to control. She beat up on another kid in daycare and she had noticeable behaviour problems at home. She was very clingy to me and putting her in day care when I needed to was always a big problem. In fact, getting her to do anything she didn't want to do was always a big problem. She's been rude to her teachers and has been involved in fights at school. Last year alone (she's in high school now) she was suspended twice for fighting. This year there hasn't been any significant problems that I'm aware of because the girl she used to fight with (who was a bully, not just to my daughter, but to some other kids as well apparently) has been moved to separate classes.
My daughter can still be quite defiant towards her teachers to the point where the assistant principle had to ring me up because she refused to do any work in class. He told me to pick her up from school because if she wasn't going to participate then there was no point in her being there. That actually got me angry and I said to him, "don't you have any discipline in that school? I'm not picking her up just because she won't listen to you" I told him I wanted to speak to my daughter, so he went and got her and by the end of the conversation she agreed to go back to class and do as she was told. Let's just say that threatening to ban her off the computer for a week worked well. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of firm discipline.
I don't believe in smacking or hitting as discipline because my mother used to do it to me and I was always afraid that I would lose control like she did. When my mother hit, I didn't think she was ever going to stop.
My brother and I used to steal money out of the safety deposit box (it was never locked) at the motel my mother worked at and when my mother confronted us over it, I blamed my brother for it and my mother beat him so bad I could hear him yelling and crying for her to stop, over and over again. That's the way my mother was and I didn't want to be that way towards my own child. So physical discipline is out of the question with me. I found that taking away something my daughter enjoys for a period of time has just as much an effective impact on her anyway.

And bad mothers don't try every avenue possible to get their children help. They do nothing.


I knew there was something wrong with my daughter when she was little because of the way she was and so I explained her behaviour to a pediatrician who eventually diagnosed her with Attention Deficit Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Oppositional Defiant Disorder can become Conduct Disorder and eventually Antisocial Personality Disorder if not treated (which is what I have). I think my daughter is getting better as she's getting older and I really don't think her ODD has reached the Conduct Disorder stage. Even though she still lies occasionally and can still be defiant, she doesn't steal anymore and her aggression seems to be easing too. I was taking her to a pediatrician every six months just to keep on top of things, but I can't afford it now. I've been advised that she should be in therapy, but I haven't been able to afford that either, so at the moment I'm just going with the flow.
I don't entirely blame the ADD or ODD for my daughter's behaviour. I used to be somewhat neglectful towards her which did make me a bad mother I suppose. I always made sure she had what she needed, but I never enjoyed spending time with her and so the times I spent playing with her were far and few between and to be honest, that hasn't really changed at all. I always spend time with her these days when she wants me to, but she's a teenager now and she rarely asks me to spend time with her anymore anyway.
I used to be pretty lax when it came to discipline as well. I would let her get away with a lot of stuff when she was younger. My brother got angry at me one day when he saw that I wasn't punishing her for something she did and while we did get into a rather heated argument, I eventually realized that maybe he was right and that I really should be putting my foot down because as he said to me, "it will only get worse as she gets older".
With all that said, maybe what your son really needs, Meriska, is extra attention and a different approach to discipline. Not all types of discipline are affective for all children. Discipline never really worked on me. It just taught me that I needed to learn a new way of doing the same thing without getting caught.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby Mr. No One » Thu May 12, 2011 10:34 pm

Someone who did not whine but actually stuck up for themselves. Nice.

I'm going to refer you to the "conduct disorder" forum because your son is still very young. Having said that........

I have noticed that problem children usually are underdeveloped intellectually. Talking to your child about his reasoning for doing certain things. The pros and cons. Show him he lacks mental skill and talk to him about all sorts of subject matter. Ethics, morality, philosophical things, spiritual matters. It will help. It will take time.
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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby wooster » Thu May 12, 2011 11:20 pm

marycarterpaint wrote:so you were surprised by something that is not surprising, why am i not surprised?
Well I was a tad surprised indeed, after all they were trying so hard to send out the vibe of self-proclaimed cool-headed 'rationalists'. Guess I had a rather over-generalized view of it all - also a few long-standing, constructive members were bullied off the schiz. board by militant feminist vigilantes (by means of reporting & etc.), a good few months back.
Curiously, a recurring theme was "AsPDs are eeeevil"

marycarterpaint wrote:please feel free to clarify.
I was going by the 'dx criteria' sticky in the header, namely the following paragraphs:

"cognitive (….) distortions

ideas of reference

odd beliefs or magical thinking

unusual perceptual experiences

suspiciousness or paranoid ideation "

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Re: My 12 year old son.....

Postby Meriska » Thu May 12, 2011 11:50 pm

wooster wrote:Meriska - there's a subforum about childhood 'problems': childhood-disorders/ (although I don't like the word "disorder"), you might get more appropriate advice there?
Good luck

This is the direction I was looking for. Thank you wooster.
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