What do you live for?

i was referring to your perception of your abilities. your abilities are not that great

Oh. Well, that's okay. I actually worry about this. It's important not to overvalue, I think.

Took a knock in confidence in my intellectual capabilities when I flunked out of school the first time. This time I've tried using school as a more 'objective' metric for it. Maths contests, etc. Qualified for trinity camp this year for the second time in a row and tutored another boy because I'd done it before so I don't think it's an overvaluation.

Honestly speaking, is it really a stretch to say I am above average?

you still think your mere existence is of sufficient value to others that you don't need to do anything more,

What? Why does what other people find valuable about me have to do about anything? That's not even a metric of consideration.

can't you see that their admiration is the admiration of peasants and that you are actually worthless?

What admiration? Why do I need to be admired?

ughh nvm

hit and a miss i guess..

-- Tue Feb 28, 2017 12:42 am --

Courtier wrote:

i was referring to your perception of your abilities. your abilities are not that great

Oh. Well, that's okay. I actually worry about this. It's important not to overvalue, I think.

Took a knock in confidence in my intellectual capabilities when I flunked out of school the first time. This time I've tried using school as a more 'objective' metric for it. Maths contests, etc. Qualified for trinity camp this year for the second time in a row and tutored another boy because I'd done it before so I don't think it's an overvaluation.

Honestly speaking, is it really a stretch to say I am above average?

it doesn't matter what apparently is. what matters is your perception as far motivating yourself goes.

you need to see yourself as worthless unless you strive for something

Oh, I think I see what you're trying to do.
If I'm not good enough then maybe I'll motivate myself to be what/where I want to be.

Probably it's the opposite and I don't feel good enough for what I want. Not sure.

what do you want?

Eight asked me this and I said 'everything'. It probably seemed like a cop-out but it's true. Start listing stuff and it's gets pretty unrealistic quickly.

On the Snakes in Suits thread, I made a comment about this before going through the NPD inventory / Diagnostic criteria and answering in the moment to double check whether I identify with enough of the list, because grandiose fantasies tends to be one of them. But beyond that I don't seem to tick off too many of them so I dont understand it. Brightside thinks that the idealisation is separate to myself, ie. not a real Narcissism; More like a perfect life.

Truthfully, I'm not sure what it is. Will be one of the things I ask the therapist when the waiting period is over.

if you want everything then what are you waiting for? get on it.

Anything for you, doll face!

i am being serious...what is stoping you?

i am not judging your goal. i actually think it's a good goal.

so what are you waiting for? and i don't mean log off and go do something productive or conducive to your goal right now...i mean why are you conducting your life as you are?

why have you wasted years, why all these setbacks and apparent procrastination...it doesn't seem like you really want everything

it doesn't seem like you really want anything at all...

It's a horizon. Nothing more really.

Probably don't want it very much.

i understand the whole i want it but it's too far away and i'd rather being doing other things right now.

but i do think if you really wanted it, and felt unhappy even depressed not having it, then you would be motivated to act toward it no matter how far away.

in other words, you want it but you don't NEED it.

you need to develop need. you don't need everything and that's why it's not motivating you. you are content enough as you are.

and until you develop need you probably won't be motivated to move, not in any serious direction