Yeah, I know you guys get this crap all the time but I feel like I need to talk about it before I lose my crap. After lurking a bit, I know you all hate long posts, but keep with it please.
1. Yes, I do believe I have a personality disorder, but I'm not sure...though I've been leaning towards Borderline, until I REALLY analyzed my life. I've been sexually molested when I was young, abusive mother who had violent outbursts but became a lot more calm after menopause, my dad was a known liar and possible narcissist. Always cheating and lying, never cared about anyone else. His mother was a pathological liar, too. He left when I was 4.Reasons Why I Think I Have Antisocial
1. I remember killing a hamster when I was little (5). I'm not even sure, to this day, if I did it on purpose or...what. I do remember being angry with it and smacking its head against a toy, and then realizing I killed it. I was shocked, but still...I acted violently towards it. My mom beat the living crap out of me for this. She knew I had killed it. A few years later I became very loving towards animals. Always rescuing them, trying to help dying birds, etc. I only ever lost my temper two or three times and hit one of my cat's and one dog for chewing up my phone.
2. I was always miss bossy and maybe a little too pushy while growing up. One of my best friends, whom I have been friends with since we were 7, said that I was just MEAN. Always liked attention, always wanted to be the one to control everyone. I was VERY mean to my little sister, sometimes hitting on her, but she was a crazy child.
3. I grew out of this and became a bit of a quite girl, but when I had relationships, I did weird $#%^. I remember telling a guy he was cheater and all this $#%^, breaking up with him. And then I remember calling him back, telling him I was joking, laughing about it. He called me a psycho...
4. When I was 18, I fell in love with this guy, so much so that I quit high school just to be around him all the time. I even tried to get myself pregnant, unbeknownst to him, just to keep him around. It failed, thankfully, But I carried on like I had been pregnant, had an abortion, etc. I kept this lie going for a long time, and I have never told a soul the truth. I guess later on I just didn't want to admit to it.
5. I went through some CRAZY relationships in my early 20's and it was during this time that I was a very honest person, besides the one lie, and I felt the most calm in my life. I did some drugs but never got addicted to any of them, was in a relationship with an abusive guy and then in a relationship with a guy who I KNOW is a Psychopath. The dude used to drown hamsters and was abusive to animals (I found this out later on), acted like he was better than everyone, lied, cheated, etc. But was very high achieving. I'm quite sure he used Christianity as a cover... I'm not going to lie, being with this guy messed me UP! He drove me insane.
6. Let's fast forward now. I met a guy during my travels in Europe, became so obsessed with him and the prospect of being married to a foreigner and living in Europe. I don't know if I LOVE him, I feel like I do...but given my past, I have some doubt about what love actually is. I straight up tricked this guy...I did. And I'll be honest...I'm ashamed. I purposely got pregnant (yeah, I tried this crap again), and hoped that my pregnancy would push him to marry me. I mean, my thought process was that if I wanted a child, I wanted one by him, even if he didn't agree to marry me, I would raise the child in the US but know that I had a piece of him...ugh...I'm really disgusted by this behavior, really...
We did end up getting married but we agreed to an abortion. I had the abortion and while I didn't think much of it, I did...and on the occasions I did, I hated myself and it hurt.
7. Last year, starting in August, I started having suicidal thoughts and these feelings like I wanted to hurt others. It wasn't even thoughts...just bodily urges, which than turned into thoughts. This came about after months of dealing with odd migraines and dizziness, and after I started to really analyze who I was. I thought I was dealing with depression from living abroad, moving to a smaller town, etc. And maybe I am...but these horrible intrusive feelings and thoughts started, and I lost it. I realized what I had done all these years, deep down I knew something was VERY wrong with me. I felt suicidal but also homicidal. I had horrible thoughts of hurting my husband and I had all the evidence to back up why these thoughts and urges were real, and not just some kind of harm ocd. I have a violent past. I've hit my husband before, jumped in his face, telling him not to f*** with me, etc. we even adopted two kitties...and I've been smacking them, and feeling urges and having thoughts of hurting them. One day, I was so mad at my husband. I had a screw driver in my hand and a thought popped up to stab him with it. It felt so real, and I even raised it up...but then I flipped, realizing what I had done and I left. Another day, I had my cat in my lap, and there was a pen on the table, I had the sudden thought to grab the pen and stab her in the eye. I grabbed the pen, and held right near her eye...I did this twice, but I never followed through. I was shocked. The thoughts and feelings have been horrid since then.
I've almost driven myself mad with all of this. I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but at the same time I feel like I want to (not sure if this is anger). I know that what I did to my husband was HORRIBLE...that I did it for gain. I'm deeply disturbed by the fact that I was delusional about what I did. To me, I killed an unborn child and lied so I could keep a good man. He's a good man, and he doesn't deserve any of this. I play around with this thought that I want to die and that I need to leave him, to keep him safe, but the selfish side of me doesn't want to give him up...that I hope I can get help. I told my husband what I did, I told him practically everything. I think what I felt was guilt. When the thought came up that I could be antisocial, and after everything I've read...I hated myself. My chest was heavy and I just sat there looking at him, and started to cry and told him everything. I want him to hate me, to push me away...but at the same time I scared about how I will react to that...that I'll hurt him. He acted like it was nothing, he said that everyone lies...but he doesn't realize...and I think he's in denial. I realize that my actions will haunt him to dying days, even if he doesn't realize it now.
I recently just gathered up all the knives out of the house and threw them away, and I have decided to seek help, even if that means losing my husband and keeping my cats safe, and since I'm a foreigner in another country, I could be asked to leave the country. I know that some of you are rolling your eyes, or thinking that I'm pathetic...but do you think it's possible that I could be borderline but co-morbid with antisocial? I'm violent, I'm a liar, I've manipulated in a horrible way, I'm selfish, I hate being alone, I self mutilated before, I used to watch death videos (not murder videos, that stuff bothers me, and so does animal torture videos...I hate that crap but than I've hit my cats before), had a fascination with murderers, etc. I don't ask this in the borderline group because I feel that many borderlines lie to themselves and even ostracize those that think this way.
A part of me just wants to be borderline, in hopes that MAYBE I can seek help, since it does seem possible that borderlines can get help with therapy and medication. I don't know if the harm thoughts came about when I realized everything, but I do remember thinking "If I'm capable of this stuff than I'm capable of even murder..." and then it really took hold. I find myself crying everyday, not just for the things I did...but the realization that I can't have a normal life now and that I'll lose my husband and my life abroad. I keep hoping that I have harm OCD...but my past actions would suggest otherwise. I see everything in a new way now, and it scares me.