Not sure, but sure I have a personality disorder

Well, it's true that you can kind of connect with people based on many things. But liking smoked salmon does not make me human. I might as well be a cat, or some other animal.

Just now I was reading articles on the proposed diagnosis of Sadistic PD, and I must say it does make me feel less alienated. The diagnosis wouldn't be proposed if sadism wasn't a thing. So there must be many people like me hiding out there.

I'm kind of anxious about bringing this up to my closest friends. One of them is slightly on the cynical side, he didn't mind being mean to other people in front of me. But I'm worried that he would leave me if he found out, so I'm hiding it from him and it feels dishonest.

I've just reread this post, it's very chaotic and doesn't make much sense. I'm too tired to think lol.

makes perfect sense

friends...are ok

but i mean someone more intimate...like a Gf or whatever

people share the most with their lovers...don't they?

fish...it was just an example.

there are many things human about you, yet you focus on one thing that might not be or so you think...

i think your sadistic side...sharing that can be a means you connect on a DEEPER level with someone...but i don't see how it's necessary to connect with people generally at a moderate level

but then what do i know, i'm not connected with anyone i guess the difference is i don't care. i like being an alien. i feel comfortable in lies, secrecy, subliminal attacks, etc..

I find it difficult to keep a romantic partner for long, sooner or later it shows that something is off about me and they become wary of me. I feel like there's something I'm missing that I can't put a finger on. Maybe some sort of internal warmth.

It's nice to play around with people, but it just isn't very satisfying to me. And what about when I have a genuine problem I need help with. If they got used to me wearing a mask, they won't cooperate when I let it slip. I'd like to have a person or two who really get me and can give me some advice or help when things get rough or confusing.

don't get with people you need to wear a mask around

be yourself from the start. if they run for the hills move on the next. eventually you'll find someone..

i still think you should just forget about warmth, understanding, acceptance, stuff, learn to live without it.

people cannot satisfy your deepest needs. just accept it. the more you dwell on those internal problems the bigger they become, like picking at a scab. let the scab just become a scab so it stops bleeding and bothering you....perhaps it will never go away completely...but i don't see the point in dwelling on it

when i became an adult some things i just completely gave up on...

close the door. seal it up. embrace superficiality. avoid depth. avoid complexity. avoid tough. and maintain a euphoric physiological state to counter whatever deeper yearnings you have.

just ride the easy coaster and forget about all that other junk. drown yourself in oblivious...to everyhting

there are many substitutes to love...

SweetSlumber wrote:

whodafudge wrote:

SweetSlumber wrote:Right, I have a bad habit of attacking everybody around at times. I'll try to keep it nice. I don't want to act like a rabid animal.

I think I do have traits of AsPD, that's why I'm here. Outside of this forum I wouldn't be able to honestly talk about myself without being called a monster. I realize my first few threads were dedicated to my depression/PTSD/weakness and I get that you might think I'm just misguided based on this.

I may have came here to ask about whether or not my traits seem antisocial-ish, but even I can see that you want to have ASPD bad, or you're deluding yourself into thinking you do, kind of like I was deluding myself (only difference is that I didn't want to have ASPD). People with PTSD can be mean, angry, apathetic, violent people...that doesn't mean they're antisocial. I think that's what you truly suffer from, severe PTSD. Plus, you don't react to my post like someone who has ASPD, my post really got to you. Just stop trying to make it a point to be an ass just to make it seem like you suffer from this disorder.

You're misinterpreting things. I didn't attack you to show off, I attacked you because you exposed a weak point. Whenever I see somebody in a vulnerable state, I have an urge to hurt them. This was true for me since childhood. I'm still hoping that I can find somebody here who understands me.

Never said you were attacking me, but I think you're just really confused.

crystal_richardson_ wrote:when i became an adult some things i just completely gave up on...

close the door. seal it up. embrace superficiality. avoid depth. avoid complexity. avoid tough.

This is why you still have so many insecurities.

Instead of dealing with your problems and confronting them, you tried to bury them.

When you bury an unresolved issue it tends to resurface pretty quickly. As more and more issues are buried in the same hole, sooner or later the overflow becomes so noticeable it can no longer be ignored and since you're trying to burying so many issues, you're ultimately causing yourself more stress than you originally had.

It's no surprise you've talked about how you would kill yourself in certain situations (if they ever occur) that most other people would get a lot less stressed over.

only some.

others i confronted head on and obliterated them.

@OP your post was full of remorse and regret. About an abortion? Women have abortions all the time and never look back. Nons.

You are probably normal. You are seeking advice here due to your feelings of guilt and remorse and regret which, counterintuively point against your being disordered. Disordered people who have done what you have done or had the thoughts you have had would likely carry on not thinking anything about it....until society or the law steps in to stop them.

Congratulations as you are probably among the more normal. That's a good thing! IMO it seems like you are being hard on yourself and nothing you have said strikes me as disordered beyond the regular stresses of living. Well if you want to kill your pets, that is not normal. But so far that hasn't happened.

Seek help before it does.

Welcome OP. I liked your post, so thank god for that.

To me, you seem confused about your personality. You seem to both understand that you are doing stuff wrong, but also feel the need to not do so. To me, you seem more borderline (erratic in behaviour and emotional) but you could have antisocial personality traits without fitting the screen.

One thing most people gets wrong is that personality disorders overlap each other, and you can have traits from both without fitting both categories, or fit one category with multiple traits from others as well as fit multiple categories.

Your childhood trauma seems much like most of us 'Cluster B' people, and I think most of your newborn thoughts come from the fact that you started to have self-loathing. Now I'm just going off on a ramble, but it could be that you are subconsciously believing that the guy you are in love with needs to be harmed in order to redeem the harm the molester did to you when you were younger. Sadistic nature is sometimes correlated with Cluster B.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. There is often an extreme fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behavior, a feeling of emptiness, and self-harm. Symptoms may be brought on by seemingly normal events.

This sounds quite like you to be honest. Your sense of self really seem to be unstable at the moment, and you constantly shift between feeling angry to feeling sad, and not knowing who you really are. You might possess antisocial traits, but I think it is more likely that the unstability is causing you to feel that you might have to hurt others in order to calm your inner anger, because you are uncertain.

I recommend heading to the borderline forum, and posting your story there. See if others are like you.