Best of psychopaths

MrsBrightside wrote:Awwww!!! Another one

Are you happy? Or Content? I used to have a similar outlook as you and similar thoughts then I realized, with help, that I wasn't happy living that way. Not saying that I'm completely happy yet, but I'm working on it.

jabberwocky wrote:

MrsBrightside wrote:Awwww!!! Another one

Are you happy? Or Content? I used to have a similar outlook as you and similar thoughts then I realized, with help, that I wasn't happy living that way. Not saying that I'm completely happy yet, but I'm working on it.

Similar in what way?

I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. I have trouble recognizing my feelings. It's been an ongoing frustration in my life. It feels like I just have a few feelings.

I know cognitively I should be quite happy - that I have the things I set out to get.

I don't understand some of my things. Do I feel "happy" no. Sometimes. When I good thing happens for me I get a little buzz, and it goes away, but that's normal I think for everyone. I feel nothing most of the time. Not apathy because I am interested in my life and stuff. I'm happy with who I am and what I have done. I am proud of that. My "personality" is more optimistic, silly and bubbly but theres a disconnect between that and what I am. When I am alone I don't think negative or positively - I just feel blank. I don't understand myself fully at all.

I've been diagnosed with 3 disorders, one got taken away, plus a health thing that's fairly new and unrelated except it explained the third disorder which is the newest. Taking care of that in some ways has kept me busy with a goal I guess. I don't put much faith in mental diagnosis to begin with, so I'm unsure on the 3 things. I do know my entire life I've been different, somewhat fake, and manipulative. I don't know what it feels like to care about other people. I don't know if others really care about other people, so if that's normal or not, or if they also feel like how I do. I do know people have noted often my lack of giving a fuk about them. My mother always told me growing up when I asked why we had to bring this here, or take this to a funeral or whatever that nobody really gives a fuk about anyone but themselves, so smile and fake it, do what's expected on go on with your day. She expected reciprocal behavior, which I have learned is a false expectation. So in that sense she was wrong.

What did you do that alleviated some things? What was alleviated? And what do you think you have that best describes you? I'm sorry I know very little about you.

i think there is a connection between caring about other people and feeling blank.

people know themselves by looking at themselves through the eyes of others in their mind, but if they don't care about other people then they are not doing that; they might for some other purpose sometimes, but it's detached from identity building.

i wonder sometimes whether not caring about others is a personality trait, or just something one learns from their culture, social or economic situation.

if you are well off enough then you don't need to care about others. if you notice poor people often are most considerate of others because they rely on each other a lot. middle class people might have strong family values but not care about people outside of the family. and well off people, because each person within the family has or will have enough of their own wealth may not even care about fellow family members.

it seems people by nature tend to only care about others when it benefits them and if they are not dependent/interdependent they won't care.

i feel blank a lot of the time too, or like i temporarily take on identities, sometimes even very 'deep' ones, but none of them stick.

and i think it's because i am doing this all on my own, rather than through a more 'meaningful' social lens, that is with consideration of how others think about me, others who matter.

but since no one matters, each identity is ultimately meaningless and comes and goes as practicality dictates, leaving blankness.

and also a desire to AVOID that blankness through various things..

and the blankness of course underlies the boredom and other things...

MrsBrightside wrote:Similar in what way?

I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. I have trouble recognizing my feelings. It's been an ongoing frustration in my life. It feels like I just have a few feelings.

I know cognitively I should be quite happy - that I have the things I set out to get.

I don't understand some of my things. Do I feel "happy" no. Sometimes. When I good thing happens for me I get a little buzz, and it goes away, but that's normal I think for everyone. I feel nothing most of the time. Not apathy because I am interested in my life and stuff. I'm happy with who I am and what I have done. I am proud of that. My "personality" is more optimistic, silly and bubbly but theres a disconnect between that and what I am. When I am alone I don't think negative or positively - I just feel blank. I don't understand myself fully at all.

I've been diagnosed with 3 disorders, one got taken away, plus a health thing that's fairly new and unrelated except it explained the third disorder which is the newest. Taking care of that in some ways has kept me busy with a goal I guess. I don't put much faith in mental diagnosis to begin with, so I'm unsure on the 3 things. I do know my entire life I've been different, somewhat fake, and manipulative. I don't know what it feels like to care about other people. I don't know if others really care about other people, so if that's normal or not, or if they also feel like how I do. I do know people have noted often my lack of giving a fuk about them. My mother always told me growing up when I asked why we had to bring this here, or take this to a funeral or whatever that nobody really gives a fuk about anyone but themselves, so smile and fake it, do what's expected on go on with your day. She expected reciprocal behavior, which I have learned is a false expectation. So in that sense she was wrong.

What did you do that alleviated some things? What was alleviated? And what do you think you have that best describes you? I'm sorry I know very little about you.

I am DX'd Borderline, Schizo-Affective, I have (or had) strong AsPD traits. I am, most likely, also a compulsive liar in that I will lie to put myself in a better light or to keep someone I care about from thinking less of me. I was severely abused physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually as a child so I came out of it only caring about myself, with huge anger issues a severe lack of empathy, remorse or regret. I also had strong urges to hurt people and had a LOT of violence in my past.

I am still a work in progress, but I have found that I am happier letting people get close to me. Granted they are few and it doesn't happen often, but it is a grand feeling when I finally let go and let someone in. I am trying to think about others and not always put myself first. It's a long process and I have hit many snags, but it's something I'm committed to and something that makes me feel better about myself. I was lucky enough to have a very good friend point out my behaviors and help me along this path, though I tend to burn her out and she often needs to take a break from me. I feel that I care more, in general and am happier not being angry all the time and the violent urges have calmed considerably, over time.

You don't seem angry, like me, but I can relate to the boredom, the lack of concern for others, the 'blank' feeling. Where we differ, I think, is you seem content the way you are (I did too for many years) whereas now I am not and I want to do what I have to do to make myself 'happy', to know that feeling. Truth is that I was no good to anyone, myself included and it was just a path to misery.

I have a long way to go and I have a hard time, still with anger at small things and the typical BPD overreactions. I think deciding that it is OK to care about other people and trying to combat my anger was a huge first step for me.

MrsBrightside wrote:

jabberwocky wrote:

MrsBrightside wrote:Awwww!!! Another one

Are you happy? Or Content? I used to have a similar outlook as you and similar thoughts then I realized, with help, that I wasn't happy living that way. Not saying that I'm completely happy yet, but I'm working on it.

Similar in what way?

I'm not sure if I'm happy or not. I have trouble recognizing my feelings. It's been an ongoing frustration in my life. It feels like I just have a few feelings.

I know cognitively I should be quite happy - that I have the things I set out to get.

I don't understand some of my things. Do I feel "happy" no. Sometimes. When I good thing happens for me I get a little buzz, and it goes away, but that's normal I think for everyone. I feel nothing most of the time. Not apathy because I am interested in my life and stuff. I'm happy with who I am and what I have done. I am proud of that. My "personality" is more optimistic, silly and bubbly but theres a disconnect between that and what I am. When I am alone I don't think negative or positively - I just feel blank. I don't understand myself fully at all.

I've been diagnosed with 3 disorders, one got taken away, plus a health thing that's fairly new and unrelated except it explained the third disorder which is the newest. Taking care of that in some ways has kept me busy with a goal I guess. I don't put much faith in mental diagnosis to begin with, so I'm unsure on the 3 things. I do know my entire life I've been different, somewhat fake, and manipulative. I don't know what it feels like to care about other people. I don't know if others really care about other people, so if that's normal or not, or if they also feel like how I do. I do know people have noted often my lack of giving a fuk about them. My mother always told me growing up when I asked why we had to bring this here, or take this to a funeral or whatever that nobody really gives a fuk about anyone but themselves, so smile and fake it, do what's expected on go on with your day. She expected reciprocal behavior, which I have learned is a false expectation. So in that sense she was wrong.

What did you do that alleviated some things? What was alleviated? And what do you think you have that best describes you? I'm sorry I know very little about you.

I think normal people get chemical reactions in their brain, such as dopamine, when they do nice things for others and when others do nice things for them. That is what motivates them, the pleasurable feelings. Its a natural high caused by brain chemicals.

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist?

I can't say for sure but I wonder if its possible you have a chemical imbalance which could possible be fixed with meds. That is how it sounds, anyways. And the psychiatric community does much researching and testing to make sure they can provide the right meds to fix these chemical imbalances. That might make you feel less bored and numb.

Kind of. I have a shrink doping me up on their scheduled narcotics section. I don't have depression or bipolar or anything so any of the not fun drugs wouldn't be appropriate for me.

What's schizoaffective jabber wocky? I wasn't abused as a child. I got smacked once in awhile and I think I was ignored emotionally and given stuff as a replacement. Maybe that's abuse but not as you describe. Are you finding success in caring? How are you doing that? I care about husband and daughter in the sense they're mine. Like valuable stuff. I've never been taught to care. I think had I been abused I would have heads in my freezer right now. So props to you on not. Assuming you don't.

What does your new happiness feel like? What was your first awakening of emotion like? How old are you ish

MrsBrightside wrote:What's schizoaffective jabber wocky? I wasn't abused as a child. I got smacked once in awhile and I think I was ignored emotionally and given stuff as a replacement. Maybe that's abuse but not as you describe. Are you finding success in caring? How are you doing that? I care about husband and daughter in the sense they're mine. Like valuable stuff. I've never been taught to care. I think had I been abused I would have heads in my freezer right now. So props to you on not. Assuming you don't.

What does your new happiness feel like? What was your first awakening of emotion like? How old are you ish

Schizoaffective is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. The way my doc explained it, in my case, is that I'm bi-polar with psychotic features that can manifest at any time, not just during a high or a low.

This is all still a very new process to me so I don't really have any measurable results at this point. I do feel 'better' than I used to though; not as angry and more empathetic. I'm 52.

Nope, no heads in the freezer lol.

So im not reading 19 pages.