Hello, my name is Boris, I used to be a part of IDF yesterday . but I unfortunately not anymore .
During my service I have suffered a long depression, I tried to ask to see a military psychologist, but they fooled me and told me I was just fine and it just a diffictuly everybody face sometimes, and it passes with time and of course, I bought it.
I continued to suffer.
Six months ago, I felt the pressure only increases, and I began experiencing unpleasant anxiety sometimes, and asked to see a psychologist again. It took several months. In the meantime, I withdrew into myself, I really was kinda "disconnected" from my friends, from the social . I just wasn't in mood .
I started therapy with a military psychologist.
One of my friends, guided/hinted me to avoid eye contact and avoid answering quick questions . I found later, that I really couldn't come in eye contact with people, so it was easy to avoid any eye contact, and I could prevent uncomfortable situations.
They probably misunderstood me because I wasn't completely 'depressed' because I showed an low psychomotor unrest ( which I guess comes with anxiety ? I don't know . . )
Speech Barrier :
I could not share my feelings and thoughts with her. It was really hard and it was not an act. everytime I thought to say something I kinda choked and stuttered .
Avoiding eye contact wasn't an act anylonger, I really felt like I can't do it . She noticed something was really bothering me.
I've been diagnosed by "Medium Mental Distress."
At the second meeting, same thing, she saw that I was trying to share more but still couldn't. She asked me to try to write a diary of thoughts, a Thoughts Journal . My diary of thoughts, oh my dear diary, I really loved the idea, I bought one, and really loved to ouwrite my thghts and feelings. Everytime I felt kinda anxious, I wrote something down . even if it was not organized and not reasonable for reading . It really helped me .
Before the 3rd meeting, My friend was like " NO NO ! You can't tell her that you do the Homework, it means you are in progress, andth she will keep this at way and you won't get what you want and won't get any help ".
I'm sorry I forgot to mention what I wanted . I was a Truck Driver , and I really didn't like it , it caused me aches in my back and my knees, but I doctors said I'm okay I just gotta do a physiotherapy .
I listened to him, and I didn't show her my diary. When she said "remember I asked you to write your thoughts", I didn't even react about that, I don't know why, I freaked out . She probably was desperate about me, and didn't know what to do because I could'nt share anything yet . She asked me again if I wanna meet a psychiatrist. I said "Don't know" . really didn't know how helpful would it be .
This is where things went wrong way, out of control, and out of proportion .
I was told to wait outside, and after half hour, I was invited into psychiatrist's Room .
* HE WASN'T SO SOFT AS THE psychologist was *
I guess they just don't do it like psychologists do . They just run a mental status examination .a "paper" full of questions .
and they "eat" whatever I "serve" them .
The psychiatrist made me anxious and stressed, as I never was before . especially in 1on1 talks . I really felt bad .
I felt his questions are getting far away from my mental situation . I answered "I don't know" for most of them,
And he pushed me into the corner on that one too . He asked questions like I didn't even think I would have to answer . EVER .
First of all he checked how I feel, bla bla bla, then he was like . "Why are you answering don't know on everything ??",
"Why you don't look me in the face ?", "come on, look at me. Boris ? Look at me! " , "Do you think someone is chasing you sometimes ?", "Do you think there is a secret organization that follows you ?", " Do you think that the T.V is sending signals to you sometimes? "
I was like OMG what is he talking about . I didn'nt EVER even think about those stuff . I freaked out . I was extremley Anxious cuz I felt things are going out of proportion and those questions are . . . odd ?
Now, because I was so anxious, he made me anxious because I answer most of question "I dont know" "I don't think so" "No"
The anxiety, made me answer positive for question like "Do you feel like people sometimes watching you, checking you out ?" I said yes kinda . but I actually meant that I feel discomfort when people are watching at me . as it does to most of people .
and the BREAKDOWN. I was so anxious that I answered positive for something like " Do you hear voices sometimes?" " do you think there is something in your head ?" I said yes kinda . . that I once heard something whispered my name .
I was so anxious I didn't even realize that IT MEANS HALLUCINATIONS !
I don't really experience those whispering voices, and nobody is in my head ! and I don't think somebody is watching me to test me, and that he's from secret organization . L O L .
He immidiately suspected a psychotic distress . Sent me to civilian hospital, an emergency .
I was kinda shocked and still was anxious about everything happens . Didn't know what to do . .
in the hospital, 2 Psychiatrists checked me . made another mental examination
IT was another breakdown, I was really anxious, I didn't go for Eye contact, and I stuttered, and I was in psychomotor unrest .
The first psychiatrist tried to force me to look at his face by "I will have to call your mother if u won't respect what I ask" .
Stupid me, I still didn't look them in the eyes . I really was anxious and didn't want to stop everything I started for .
He said they have to HOSPITALIZE me . and I was like WHAT THE HELL is going on ?!? I'm just depressive . come on you are experts, how can't you see that ?
I confirmed again that I sometimes hear voices, but I tried to deny it and talk about it less . it didnt' help .
I refused to get hospitalized .
He didn't want to get a decision right away, so he called an expert psychiatrist .
I was invited into the room again. She was much more nice and it was easier to have a conversation with her .
About suicidal thoughts . to him I just said I sometimes think about it .
To her, I was able to say that I can't really hurt myself because I will actually hurt my mom too .
To her, I said I'm not sure about those voices and such .
I COULD NOT tell them that I don't really hear voices . because I was freaking ANXIOUS that if I will tell them it's not true, I actually lied to the psychiatrist in military .
I did my mistakes. but overall . they were DONE because I'm having a mental distress , with depression and anxiety .
I didn't see it coming , it's not what I wanted . all I really wanted is some help. somebody to rescue me from my terrible feelings, from my sadness .
Yes there was an Interest behind this . I wanted to stop driving trucks . why ? because it was mentaly hard for me, I couldn't handle it anymore, I didn't want them to make such decisions and diagonosis .
in ONE DAY! They diagnosed me as ' Psychotic Disorder' or Psychotic ilness . and a Suspect for Schizophrenia .
omg !! in the day after , I was told I'm officialy not fit to serve the army anymore .
and Today I'm already out .
It broke me down . I had 6 months to serve . now I'm demobilized for having a mental ilness . I feel shame . I feel like garbage .
cuz I wanted some help . what I got ? I got wrong DIAGNOSIS and they immidiately took off their responsibility . and kicked me out .
it made me go into deep depression . I maybe recognize myself as depressed and it's maybe it is a step to heal myself .
But I'm really broken . I sometimes convince myself . "Wow, I really showed them some symptoms of Schizophrenia, maybe I am?"
I don't want to face reality no more . I am now trash . not in the army anymore . nobody cares of me . I wanted help and I got called "schizo" for that . that's how I feel . miserable .
This is where I find psychiatry is a FAIL . How they made those decisions in one day ? Just one day . and my world is twisted .
Last edited by optimizeRu
on Sun May 23, 2010 5:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.