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Dealing with assholes

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Dealing with assholes

Postby Mr.Anxiety » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:28 pm

Hey guys,

So due to my anxiety issues (G.A.D/Social Anxiety) the biggest problem I have is dealing with people who insult and/or belittle me especially in front of people. I usually bump into this problem with females and sometimes males. I've never really known how to deal with it. I get picked on A LOT which I believe is because of my social anxiety so often times if there are a large number of people I don't know it is incredibly common for females to insult me in front of large groups of people.

For example I go to the gym quit a lot and am pretty muscular so one time I was at a party around a large group of people and an attractive female commented on how I belonged on that MTV show "jersey shore" and wondered how much steroids I took. Everyone around started laughing which triggers my anger, anxiety and my self defense "mechanism" kicks in. I have a lot of experience making up insults on the fly and am pretty good at picking at verbally hurting people (great skill right?) so I made a very offensive comment about how she wasn't hot enough to have that kind of attitude and that I like dating girls that have bigger boobs than I do and she started crying and ran out. This was very mean and rude but at the same time I always feel that it is justified because my philosophy has always been if you're an asshole to me I will be an asshole right back. If this situation happened with a male making the insult I will get very aggressive..get in their face..and challenge them to a fight. I am not a mean/aggressive person at all but I have been picked on and bullied my whole life so I've always had to defend myself. Whether it was physical bullying or verbal bullying.

Of course in this example..I was in the wrong and everyone thought I was the asshole even though I wasn't the first person to volley the insult. I guess it's true that the first strike is never noticed but the retaliation is.

How do you deal with these situations?? Should I have just ignored her comment or addressed it somehow??
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Re: Dealing with assholes

Postby OMNICELL » Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:09 am

Take what you like and leave the rest.

"I belonged on that MTV show "jersey shore" and wondered how much steroids I took".

Ive never seen this show?

What kind of tone of voice did she have. What was her goal. Could you see her intent. She trying to gain status by putting you down? Was that a put down or was this the best she could do to interact with people she didn't know. How was she feeling, what was going through her heart and mind.

She cried and ran out.? Why would she do that if she was insulting you. Why would she care, and why would she care about a response from you. Why..

Ive been insulted by people before, they did not care about my response to them, even if it was insulting. It meant nothing to them because I meant nothing to them.

I have been in situations were others were clumsy at social interaction, and although they tried to say something interesting, they ended up insulting me, I retaliated similar to what you are describing. They ran out crying or in shock devastated.

Your best bet is to get a therapist or equivalent and sit with them and interact with them, working on similar situations that you have described in your post, allowing the therapist to play act as one of the people at the gym that would comment to you. You need feedback from the other-side. From someone that will break everything down in front of you , that you can take a look at. The therapist can help you see what might be going on in the offenders head as well as yours.

------------------------------
You mentioned allot of information that passed through your brain to describe her intent and her motives. Yet your not mentioning anything about communicating to her about what her intentions are. Thus, you are going to "you" to get information about her. This is a pure sign of Social avoidance problems. It is not logical to go to your brain to find out what is going on in hers. The only way to know what is going on in hers is to ask her. If you have social phobia problems, as you know, this is a real hard thing to do, to interact with her to find out what her meaning is or her intent.

"I made a very offensive comment about how she wasn't hot enough to have that kind of attitude and that I like dating girls that have bigger boobs than I do and she started crying and ran out."

The above response is a bit rough..!! Did she intend to kill you.!! Did you intent to kill her.

You might be surprised to find out what was really going on in her head. You might be surprised at how shaky and unconfident she really is.
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successful social experiences include asking for feedback and clarification from the other person involved in the interaction. If I cannot do that. If I cannot interact, their is no real communication or interaction. ITs all assumptions out of my brain. That means I have a problem..

If I am going to respond to people in an aggressive way, then I need to know the outcome and accept it.

Work with assertive techniques, look up " How to be assertive" on Youtube.

When someone hits me with a "YOU" statement. I leave and don't return. Insults always start with a "YOU" statement.. example. " "YOU" are not good enough to play football. Maybe "You" should stick to street sweeping." The "You" statement is used to control and intimidate. Their are assertive techniques to counter this type of attack. Simple techniques. I just walk away when I understand the intent of the other person is to put me down..

Hope this helps a bit. Good luck...!!
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Re: Dealing with assholes

Postby marycarterpaint » Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:26 pm

Mr.Anxiety wrote:Should I have just ignored her comment or addressed it somehow??

subtle insult, just at the threshold of consciousness, or a barbed retort.
"all natural, no implants", kiss the bicep and give her a wink. :wink:
I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
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Re: Dealing with assholes

Postby kevinbacon » Thu Mar 22, 2012 8:35 am

great information..nice written and define.which plays a important role in the modern society,You have done a great work.I really appreciate your effort.Thanks keep up the good work!
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Re: Dealing with assholes--when talking isn't enough (action

Postby Cardinalsfan » Thu May 24, 2012 2:35 am

I have a YouTube Channel, part music, part documentary. Today I noticed someone from my state with a completely different history than I'd heard for our shared state in the Civil War era. I took an intensive, almost immersion online Civil War & Restoration Era online class for a semester through Yale University. I learned so much.My state was one of 4 border states, slave states but didn't secceede from the Union. He said we seceeded from the Union and became the12th state of the Confederacy. This guy on You Tube took a minor characterwho tried to do it and twisted his importance in the scheme of things. He was gathering a following. These lies were pissing me off.At first I exposed him, then I got management to check him out for the reasons I explained..In his fanciful mind, he wants to be a rebel, but then he needs to go to another(real Confederate) state...and what's wrong with being who you are? My dad's family was still in eastern Europe and my mom's side had one kid involved (Kentucky).

Any suggestion on how to deal with this guy (besides ignore)?
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Re: Dealing with assholes

Postby Xena » Fri May 25, 2012 3:08 am

Like Omnicell said, Mr. Anxiety, you can't just make assumptions about somebody's motives in a situation like that. I recently attended a snooty Canadian university as a mature student. It took me a few months to get used to the subtleties of Hipster Sarcasm. No, you don't want to let somebody punk you, but you don't want to hurt somebody who's offering you a sincere compliment, either.

Maybe she thinks those Jersey Whore guys are hot, and that was her way of flirting with you.

The best response to that kind of ambiguity (or irony) is the equally ambiguous (and ironic) Spock Stare. Draw yourself up to your full height, incline your head ever so slightly, and cock one eyebrow if you can manage it. Say--softly--no yelling: "And your point is?" This is the Tabula Rasa comeback, so named by Yours Truly. Your beholder is free to project anything s/he wants onto your blank stare.

Flirts will perceive it as a sexy invitation to continue flirting. Macho dicks will perceive it as a challenge. Good-natured jokers will usually try harder to be funny enough to get you to crack a smile. Just make sure you respond appropriately to the second stage of communication (more flirting, more chestpounding, crack a smile, etc.)

4 real. It works :wink:

If the girl hasn't gone and jumped off a bridge, and you can get a hold of one of her friends from the party, you might want to ask if it's possible to console her, and what might be a good way to do it. Just be careful with trying to patch things up at this point. It might not be worth it at all. She might perceive you as one of those mean, fickle PUA guys. Make sure you ask somebody you both know reasonably well, and be prepared to let it all go if that's what has to be done.
"Don't argue with crazy people. You'll look like you're the one who's crazy." -Mom
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Re: Dealing with assholes

Postby Xena » Fri May 25, 2012 4:26 am

Oops. That last drive-by made me think this was a recent post. Shoulda looked at the date on the original.

If you're not long gone, Mr. Anxiety, disregard the advice about consoling the girl. It's way too late for that now. But I'm sure you already knew that.
"Don't argue with crazy people. You'll look like you're the one who's crazy." -Mom
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