I'm a 18 year-old guy. I'll briefly explain what's going on in my mind:
1) Anger: I am not satisfied with my current life, place, etc. many situations give me a lot of anger
Anger is repressed, and the fact it's repressed, only brings more anger. The only ways to release my anger are illegal and harming (even self-harming) ways, such as beating people up, smoking excessively, alcohol drinking, etc. Indeed, I've started to smoke and drink often and I see them as some kind of relief.
Another thing that feeds my anger is sexual desires that cannot be satisfied, because the person that is the object of my fantasies, doesn't want to engage in sexual behavior. This is what most feeds my anger, and makes me nervous to the point I find it difficult to sleep at night and I often have to take meds to make me sleep and calm me down.
I'm stuck in a circle of repressed violence and repressed desires.....they all lead to anger and frustration, and so, they lead to substance abuse which is seen as a relief, as a salvation, as something that keeps me calm and out of this bad reality.
My need for violent actions (such as wanting to beat someone up - a thing I don't do only because I don't want issues with law and family, hating most of people, etc.) is what gets me all agitated, and the unsatisfied need for sex is another big issue - this leads me to get the girl I want drunk so she "unleashes" her bad nature and she feels free to please me and I feel free to do whatever I want to her.
I know all of this may seem evil and it's extremely wrong for me and others, but believe me, this is what's going on in my mind, and I don't know how to stop it.......
The only "safe" and good way to keep me calm is listening to music. But there's still something wrong here: I'm attracted to evil/aggressive/dark music. I seem to enjoy dark sounds and dark lyrics often associated with violence, depression, anger, etc.
I've tried to talk to a friend but he said "do what you want if it stops you from being sad". I love my friend and all, but I don't think he wants to help me that much, I mean, he didn't say the best thing, I must admit.
I may try to talk to my female friends, but they are a little bit mad at me because they say I don't go out with them anymore and I look like I am abandoning them but maybe they just don't know the mess I am going through so I assume it'll be better to sit down and talk about it. They will surely understand like they always did......
Generally speaking, I feel helpless and alone in this, stuck in a very bad reality and trying to find ways to get me out of it.....and these "ways" are often bad.