Anger due to unfairness in life

Hi Everyone,

I decided to join this forum, because my rage is literally becoming unbearable as of recent days. It's due to several causes, one being that I live in China and deal with lot of daily annoyances (not going to address that right now), and another due to the unfairness in my life and not being able to simply forget about things that are unjust or unlucky in my life. When I was younger, I always believed that if you work hard and try to do the right thing, everything will work out...but I feel this hasn't been the case in my life. The one issue that always beings me back to these feelings is when I compare myself with my younger brother who has always had a easy life.

I can very readily compare with my brother because he is 3 1/2 years younger than me and belongs to the same family. He was born with an easier life from day one, dealt with very little bullying in school, was born with height (he's 6' 2", I am 5' 7") whereas I was not, had the favor of our dad whereas I did not, and has had a easier time making friends and getting the help of others in every situation in life, whereas I have always been the underdog/short guy/lone wolf my entire life.

Health-wise he has had almost no issues to deal with, whereas I had to leave college because of my neck tremors from spasmodic torticollis, suffer from debilitating lyme currently and Lyme carditis which caused me to not be able to lift weights anymore, and more allergies and other health issues. Lifting weights was always a good avenue for me to deal with anger because I could channel that into strength, but now I cannot do this, and it's caused even more rage to bottle up inside.

He always had the help of others. Whether it was our uncle who gave him a free mac mini when we were young (we both wanted to learn how to develop iphone apps at the time) (I had a crappy old computer at the time and he had a nicer one already), his friend who made up a fake resume for him saying he was lead programmer in his company therefore getting him a programming job for the gov't paying 65k even though he never finished one programming project for his friend's company, or the many relatives, friends, church-goers that give him praise and adoration while at the same time pretty much ignoring me. Yes I am a bit quieter, but I am very friendly to everyone I meet.

Financially, once I got married my Dad said they wouldn't support me any more, and my younger brother is already 26 1/2 and still lives with them getting free food and a really nice place to stay in their new house (I lived in the basement with black mold from 15-20 years old until I moved out). I remember when I was making 1200 a month and came back to the house to eat food I was constantly badgered about how I shouldn't come back to the house to eat the family's food. He always had the newest iPhone and the newest computer and I always had some cheap throwaway phone that my coworkers laughed at. He would spend all his money on video games, food, beer, and other fun stuff. I would spend mine on college and car repairs. Now he is 26, makes 65k a year, has a new car, and still isn't bothered whereas I was married and living in a somewhat crappy yet expensive CT apartment, making under 20k a year, driving a used car, and barely getting by at 22 and bothered for even coming over to eat food at the house.

He complains because he says he can't find a girl (so my parents say that things are fair, because they say he doesn't have a girlfriend but I do), but the reality is that I couldn't find a decent girl in CT so I flew all the way to China with $20 in my wallet and a $400 credit line 10 years ago and made things work because I knew that most American girls were not interested in me at the time and that I could find a girl in China. He is extremely picky with women, and still hasn't had a girlfriend because of HIM not because of the girls. He could have done the same.

When we went to our family reunion, many of our relatives wouldn't say a word to me and looked at me with a strange look on their face (a long story, mostly about them disliking my political views). Suddenly I noticed they were all smiling and hugging my brother when he walked in, and on top of it they all said how amazing his new job was and how great he was. I feel like seriously everyone has it out for me. (well, at least 99% of people hate me or dislike me to some extent). I am the least liked in my current job (I don't talk much at work, I keep very busy), I haven't had a decent friend since I was 19, and the only friends I had talk with my younger brother now and don't talk with me anymore. I have been effectively cut off from society whereas I see everyone showing him love.

I spent all the extra money my ex-wife and I had to get through college and get some certifications to get my foot in the door to make 20k in I.T. FINALLY getting into my dream job in software years down the road that still only pays 49k a year currently, but is a blessing because I can work from home. My brother on the other hand, dropped out of all his classes, everytime I suggested he get certifications ignored my advice, and managed to skate by on relationships with friends alone.

This is why I can't talk to him or see him in person. When we take family photos, I look 5' 5" next to him, because he's over half a foot taller and in the last family photo I was standing in a ditch somehow and looked even worse and on the end of the pic. This accurately portrays how life has been since we were children. I have always been the scrapper, scrounging up the loose change that fell under the sofa cushions and he has had his life handed to him on a silver platter. I have always been the one that appeared the loser, no matter how hard I tried to get in a better place, and he has effortlessly managed to get everyone to like him. People will say it's because he's more positive or happier, but when you're emotionally and physically covered in scars it's not easy to get over the past pain and suddenly become an extremely positive person.

anger due to unfairness/mistreatment is the purest and most natural form of anger.

Life IS unfair.
Can't see sense in anger at the obvious

Hi,

I totally get you. I have severe mental illnesses, more severe than anyone I know. And also I am trans, and not straight, which many of my friends are too.

It seems though, everyone else is being offered therapy, medicine etc at the local hospital we ALL go to. I am offered nothing, and doctors tell me extremely offensive things and often laugh at me and question my mental illnesses, implying that I am lying. All my friends are from accepting households, but it took my parents almost a decade to stop being disgusted by my sexuality. Life is unfair, yes, but when surrounded by people who's lives are a dance on roses in comparison to your own, it becomes significantly more prominent and even harder to deal with. I wish I knew how to handle my own anger at being so terribly mistreated by everyone around me, so sadly I cannot really give you a solid advice. I think the only thing that keeps me going is the sympathy and concern I receive from my peers, as they know how differently I am treated by people in comparison to them.

I agree life is unfair genetics and environment wised, but the good thing is your hard work did pay off in the end with a comfortable job, so it is fair in that sense --- effort will eventually be rewarded. However for those that are severely mentally/physically/personality-wise handicapped who have troubles even putting in an effort, life must be truly unfair. You are able to put in an effort so keep working harder and you can easily beat your brother if he keeps slacking off like this. Best of luck!

Anyway, I am curious how you got a girl from China though? Did you find someone to marry and just brought her back using marriage visa? How did you find someone to marry when you couldn't speak Chinese? Very curious as I am Chinese and buying-wife-from-china is not something I have heard of lol. In fact there is significantly less women than men 5% or something if I remembered correctly because of the one child policy and people favouring males and aborting + dumping female babies, so I actually imagined it would be harder lol.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Yeah anger, then rage is like something that consumes you. Like being under the influence of alcohol. If something unfair then happens, like an alcoholic taking a sip, the anger will fill you up. After that, you get lost in it.

I'm sorry for your situation. Still, I think you should consider that while you may have legitimate reasons to be angry. The anger is defeating you in some sense, please don't get angry. It will consume your thoughts, and may come to consume your actions. It's not that you are doing anything wrong per se, but what might you otherwise do. The source of your anger does not need to consume you.

Take this from someone who has been angry often for perceived unfairness, the anger is not something you can control, or prevent from happening. It is a part of you, like any other reaction. Still, you must find a way to let it go when it flares up.

If someone does something abusive to you, you can not then endorse that abuse. Then the abuser will not only continue, but they will respect you less, especially if they don't even respect themselves to begin with.

However, how do you let go of the anger, and move on...

well I'm not so great at it, but I think the first thing to do is to step away from the situation in your mind, and physically as well. Then well I suggest you look up some information online (other than my non expert, for whatever it's worth advice right here).

Channel the energy into something constructive. Do not focus on the things you don't have, or that have been robbed you, focus on the things you do have, focus your energy on that. Do not let yourself be sidetracked by the circumstances that make you angry, including when those circumstances are related to the source of your anger itself.

Hello,

Your story is sad, but I think there is no need to be disappointed as this won't help you to build a successful career or personal life. You should learn to be strong and positive then everyone would like to get in touch with you and help you. You should feel strong and look positive and your life will be chnaged.

Hi jkj86,

Aside from your anger issues which are understandable, you strike me as a pretty scrappy fighter with qualities that will stand you in good stead over time as opposed to the taller, younger bro who's skated all his life with everything handed on a silver platter to him so far. You've already earned your scrapper points and he has yet to discover that the world is not a continual silver platter or so kind to the deficiencies/lack of qualifications that will show up sooner or later.

is it possible to maintain some kind of distance, so that you can avoid making these comparisons with your brother and concentrate instead on the life and family you have already created?

"If someone does something abusive to you, you can not then endorse that abuse. Then the abuser will not only continue, but they will respect you less, especially if they don't even respect themselves to begin with."

LesMisJim has a point here. Keep dwelling on these comparison issues within the family and they will view you as the "whiner" and not the winner.