This is my first post.
I am posting in anger management because anger is an overarching theme in my life, but I have multiple problems and want advice if I should be posting in another forum and reading the discussions there.
Here is some information regarding myself.
I am the oldest son of a very large, catholic family. My parents were hard workers, but both were angry, negative, and violent. As a child I learned a lot about deception, control, and fear in my hazardous, complex environment. Everyone in my family fought, though my parents never divorced.
I was homeschooled, poorly. I left home to be homeless at 17, I had no friends. I got a job by 18 and worked hard. At 24 I quit my job because I had done well and saved up, now I am finishing my four year degree in computer science. I never received help from family or friends. I despise my family and do not speak with them to this day.
I have been my own parent since I left, and I've never been in trouble with the law, and I've done everything right, but I cannot have normal relationships with people.
I am handsome, smart, and educated.
After I left home I always researched and read because I knew it was the only way I would make it in life, which is also the reason I find myself here, because I know I cannot do this on my own.
I will start listing problems I experience now. If it helps I have tested myself for years as an INTJ. My current partner is an INTP. I do not have a political party. I am strongly anti religious.
1. I hold powerful grudges, like since I can remember anything at the age of 8 or 7, I do not forget, even if i try to forgive. This is key to destroying my long term relationships.
2. I am aware I have a strong desire to be right. I am exceptionally good at argument and analysis, and when I cannot force win through reasoning, I begin to draw on emotional reserves to control being right. If I am ever not the winner in the argument, I seethe with an incredible anger.
4. I rely on anger for the productive things in life, like work and school. I get angry and then I do good work. When I relax it feels like I have zero motivation to do things and I just chill around. Because of this I trust being angry to accomplish my goals and do not see another way.
5. I have strong sexual urges, and I prefer to keep them. Right now I am with a partner who satisfies me fairly well. She is smart and loving and I would like to marry her. It is not easy to satisfy me so I would really like this relationship to work, but I know my other problems are emotionally strangling her bc of my past experiences with women.
6. I have a great fear of eventually growing old and losing my sexual appeal. I am fiercely competitive and fear having my partner taken away by a better male. I do not believe in love at all, I trust reason and addiction.
7. Deep inside I am alone and filled with hate and despair. I am a strongly logical person and I focus intensely on the negative because my brain finds them to ultimately be the most important things to be mindful of. But I cannot fix the aging process, I will die. I am very good at seeing how the world can operate and it drives me crazy how it operates instead, much the way I couldnt stand to be with my family.
8. I have low need for friends or family. I am actually very socially skilled, but inside I do not get rewarding experiences from most people. In fact most of my rewarding experiences come from sex and winning competitions.
I have read many books trying to better myself and solve my problems, some of them have actually helped. But overall, deep down I feel like an evil person. I feel immediate physical violence towards animals and would eat a pet dog without thinking about it. I have made it this far in life through stubbornness and will, and I do not see a happy ending for myself. Even when I was very young, my fantasy for death was to die alone so that I will not be bothered or thought of, and to just slip quietly away and be forgotten forever. I still feel this way.
I hate most people and especially animals, but I want my relationship to work out. I do not know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I need to find a partner who is kind of evil.
Please help me think about this, and recommend other areas to research. Thank you.