My wife is an alcoholic and was arrested.

Hello to all im new here to this forum and would like your opinions and ideas. I married and alcoholic two and a half years ago and didnt even know it. I'm having a hard time in deciding to stay in the marriage or leave her. Basically what happened is that she didnt hardly drink when we got together and then over time after our marriage it became more and more. Im very much a non drinker but will have an occasional beer here and there. We have four kids, two are hers and two are mine from a previous marriage. Below is a list of things that have happened and a little background then I will go into why she got arrested.

1. She says that her drinking isnt that big of deal. Everyone does it.
2. Is mean to people when she drinks and starts arguements with total strangers.
3. Has been cut off in the bar numerous times.
4. Started and arguement with my son one night while drinking that was just totally uncalled for and hurt his feelings.
5. Has gone to the bar during the day to do college homework and have a drink.
6. Has told me while we were at the bar that she likes it there and it feels comfortable.
7. Gets happy happy when she knows shes about ready to pour her first drink.
8. She'll claim to have had only 2 or 3 drinks. I'm like no you mean 2 or three glasses which contain 2 shots in each, so youve really had 4 to 6 drinks or more to the common person. Oh god this pisses her off when I call her out on this.
9. Has been told by her dad and brother to get her $#%^ under control.
10. Has caused me to miss numerous days of work from fights we've had that have caused me much stress and anxiety from her drinking.
11. Sets a big bottle of water beside the bed and will drink from it all night after drinking.
12. Has gone to her sons school funtion with alcohol on her breath.
13. Drinks about 1 to 2 gallons of rum a month.
14. Minimizes things that happen while drinking to make it seem like not so big of a deal.
15. Was arrested in a past relationship for assault caused from drinking.
16. Has had two DUI's in the past.
17. Has failed two UA's in the last two months.
18. Makes the claim that the reason our marriage is falling apart is caused from other stuff and not her drinking. In my opinion the other stuff is minimal garbage at best.
19. Told me outright that she didnt think I would marry her in the begginning if I knew how much she drank. How sad is that ? and admitted it fully.
20. When we go on trips she takes her large lid cup and a bottle so she can drink before we get to our destination.
21. When i've asked her if she needs anything when i'm on my way home from work she has responded with "is that a loaded question?". Meaning she's hinting at me to stop and get her a bottle.
22. She has fallen and passed out numerous times and thinks its funny.
23. She went to a bar this last week and that is part of her probation to not go in these establishments. Even if she dont drink.
24. Has started bar fights.
25. Gets very bitchy and says shes bored when shes not drinking.

Ok so basically you get the picture. So fast forward to December 2012, she was drunk one night and said something that just pissed me off. So I jump up and started yelling at her. Now mind you i'm totally sober and my 14 year daughter is seeing all of this. So my wife punches me in the mouth and my daughter sees it. So my wife gets arrested and is now on probation and has to go to AA, alcohol rehab, and anger mngt. Now granted I fully admit I shouldnt have been yelling at her but I had gotten so frickin fed up with the drinking that I just snapped. My wife swears till this very day that she did not punch me and that she pushed me. She says my daughter and I are liars. My daughter and I have talked about this numerous times and both agree that it was a closed fist that contacted my mouth. My wife is pissed I called the cops and is now very bitchy to me. She fails to own any of this and simply will not admit any wrongdoing. I think she is just "going along with" the treatment she's been forced to do then will go back to her old ways. Last week she made the comment to me "well I guess I better get going to my gay little classes". Another thing I want to add is that in the month after her court hearing she had about a 4 week period before she met with her P.O. for the first time, during that time she was drunk constantly and ignored what the judge had told her.

So my question is, is this a typical alcoholic and what is going on ? Is she in denial and will she ever own it ? What will it take for her to change ? Has she not hit rock bottom to own it ? Please help me in figuring out what the hell is going on. Thanks to all~

Hi Sledge,

How are you coping with all of that? It sounds very difficult.

I saw one of your posts from a couple years ago when you were asking a similar question about your wife. I think it's fair to say that if those questions remain and it sounds like she's getting worse, that it's likely she's an alcoholic in denial. Only she is able to answer your other questions and she may not be able to do that at this point.

When my ex-husband relapsed with alcohol, it didn't take him very long to get into trouble with the law and act much like the way your wife is. I couldn't control anything he did, didn't cause it, and definitely couldn't cure him. Attending Al-Anon meetings helped a great deal at that point in time and there are groups for teenagers with alcoholic parents/loved ones too. This might be an option for you & your daughter.

I hope you're doing ok.

I'm sorry that happened to you Sledge. Just remember you and your daughter are not the only ones suffering from this alcohol issue, your wife is suffering too. She may be in denial about it, even as more and more alcohol issues pop up to complicate and damage her life, but eventually she will have a realization that she should stop with the behavior and learn to recover from her drinking problem. All you can do in the meantime is support her and assist in her recovery once she's ready, but it may take some time for her to reach the point of being ready to change. You never know how long it will take an alcoholic to bottom out.

You have a duty to your wife to lover her for better or worse. You also have a duty to your children to present a stable and nurturing environment for them to grow up in. If your wife won't change, I would get yourself and your impressionable children the heck out of there. She will be the person who chose alcohol over her family. I think your duty to your children outweighs your duty to your wife. Even if you still love her, you need to make the proper environment for the kids to grow in. If you love her, you have some painful decisions in front of you.