Im bpd and suffer from Agoraphobia

Destiny 2 wrote:I fear places like shopping centres etc. I feel safe at home yet it can also be my prison.
After four days of being inside blinds closed, sometimes phone of hook. I feel safe but trapped.
Even if my parents who love me knock on the door sometimes I hide and pretend im resting or im not home.
I started to do voluntary work recently and force myself to leave the house to give something back to my country
for taking care of me financially. Over the years iv had many paid jobs and i have tried to hide my illness from my employers.
Eventually they discover theirs something wrong with me. I make it hard for them to sack me because im a dam hard worker
and take my job seriously and give it everything iv got in me to be a dream employee. But eventually the time comes and im called into their office and asked what is going on with me. Im easy to get along with at work. But at home after work i may not be because im exhausted with trying to hide my illness. When i come home from work in the past i sometimes vomit or get the runs for no physical reason. I can’t think straight and cant make simple decisions my mind becomes fuzzy. Its like im in a different world to those around me. Im a bystander watching the world around me as if an alien to this world and I don’t understand. I feel like im watching a movie and it’s my life but im not really part of it but I am. Im mentally and physically exhausted and unable to shut off from work. My mind races and races and wont stop reliving my day at work. I have been known to cry after work even if it wasn’t really a bad day and my day was a successful one. Im a kind compassionate person at work and I never course problems but I do get nervous at work or other social situations I shake, perspire to extremes at times. Sometimes I have cried in past jobs in my lunch breaks.
I get the runs or vomit because it’s hard for me to be there and I don’t know why. I may be very good at my job and they love me but I feel the opposite. I get paranoid thinking they are all talking about me and how useless I am. My shakes get that extreme at work it almost looks like im a drug addict withdrawing. But I assure you I don’t even like taking Panadol unless i have to. I have medication to help with the anxiety but paranoid to take it encase they notice im too relaxed and out of it and unable to respond normally . I go to a mental health recovery group once a week and I can tell the other clients are medicated and slow. I don’t wont to look like that either.
I am a determined person and try very hard to fight my illness so im not a burden on
Others. But realistically I can be a burden. For example if I find it impossible to leave the house sometimes without that terrifying fear like my life is being threatened. Heart races, feel sick want to cry uncontrollable because im overwhelmed with dread. Sometimes I ask my partner or parents to come with me so I can face being in that
threatening environment and I feel safer with them there. In case I have a panic attack or cry uncontrollable in front of strangers. It’s terrible it’s embarrassing to loose control off my emotions like I can do at times. I get that nervous in a social situation I can even forget my name I did that once in a job interview I couldn’t answer them straight away and I know I looked confused blank and shitting myself. Then I forgot my date of birth it was like my memory was completely wiped at the time. U can imagine I didn’t get that job. I cried all the way home. I was embarrassed humiliated felt stupid.

Back to the voluntary job, im attempting right now. I determined to make this work
but im not sleeping properly its making my episodes more regular and my life is a living hell.
Im beginning to feel suicidal again when I thought I started to have it under control.
Im not forced to work but I force myself to give back to the taxpayers somehow.
I feel guilty that I cant work a paid job. I Feel guilty about my illness.
The job I have is only 2 to 3 hours a week and I don’t sleep properly for days worrying about
the next shift to come and what could happen. I get irritable at home angry easily with my family. I don’t want to be around even my own family at times. I suffer extreme
downs. Im trying to stick at this job to beat my illness and overcome the fear.
But at the moment it seems to be only making me sicker. No one especially my friends and family expect me to work. Im a full time mum and partner that alone I find very
difficult to juggle with my mental illness. But if I don’t work I feel like a looser that
Is a burden on society? I want to be successful even if I have an illness to live with.
Some days I beg god to give me a life threatening illness so I can die without guilt
because if I commit suicide its wrong . I don’t want to leave others to take care of my family because no one can love them like I do but I also don’t want to live with this illness its to hard fighting everyday just to be happy and normal.
Im going to continue to fight because my love is very strong for my family and they are the only reason im still alive today.
I live only for them. One positive, iv learnt to control my self harm and I no longer resort to for eg cutting myself . I think about it but don’t do it. That alone is hard to
fight quite often. As it does feel good to help release tension. Its almost like the bad
emotions flow out with the release of escaping blood .But its only a temporary relief and can be dangerous if you go too far one day. Iv had past suicide attempts and come close. I have scars that will be there for life and it expresses my inner pain, the mental illness the torture that u cant always see. The scars almost justify the internal pain for me. I am a loving person to others but not so much to myself at times. But im going to try .
From Destiny 2.

Destiny 2 wrote:I fear places like shopping centres etc. I feel safe at home yet it can also be my prison.
After four days of being inside blinds closed, sometimes phone of hook. I feel safe but trapped.
Even if my parents who love me knock on the door sometimes I hide and pretend im resting or im not home.
I started to do voluntary work recently and force myself to leave the house to give something back to my country
for taking care of me financially. Over the years iv had many paid jobs and i have tried to hide my illness from my employers.
Eventually they discover theirs something wrong with me. I make it hard for them to sack me because im a dam hard worker
and take my job seriously and give it everything iv got in me to be a dream employee. But eventually the time comes and im called into their office and asked what is going on with me. Im easy to get along with at work. But at home after work i may not be because im exhausted with trying to hide my illness. When i come home from work in the past i sometimes vomit or get the runs for no physical reason. I can’t think straight and cant make simple decisions my mind becomes fuzzy. Its like im in a different world to those around me. Im a bystander watching the world around me as if an alien to this world and I don’t understand. I feel like im watching a movie and it’s my life but im not really part of it but I am. Im mentally and physically exhausted and unable to shut off from work. My mind races and races and wont stop reliving my day at work. I have been known to cry after work even if it wasn’t really a bad day and my day was a successful one. Im a kind compassionate person at work and I never course problems but I do get nervous at work or other social situations I shake, perspire to extremes at times. Sometimes I have cried in past jobs in my lunch breaks.
I get the runs or vomit because it’s hard for me to be there and I don’t know why. I may be very good at my job and they love me but I feel the opposite. I get paranoid thinking they are all talking about me and how useless I am. My shakes get that extreme at work it almost looks like im a drug addict withdrawing. But I assure you I don’t even like taking Panadol unless i have to. I have medication to help with the anxiety but paranoid to take it encase they notice im too relaxed and out of it and unable to respond normally . I go to a mental health recovery group once a week and I can tell the other clients are medicated and slow. I don’t wont to look like that either.
I am a determined person and try very hard to fight my illness so im not a burden on
Others. But realistically I can be a burden. For example if I find it impossible to leave the house sometimes without that terrifying fear like my life is being threatened. Heart races, feel sick want to cry uncontrollable because im overwhelmed with dread. Sometimes I ask my partner or parents to come with me so I can face being in that
threatening environment and I feel safer with them there. In case I have a panic attack or cry uncontrollable in front of strangers. It’s terrible it’s embarrassing to loose control off my emotions like I can do at times. I get that nervous in a social situation I can even forget my name I did that once in a job interview I couldn’t answer them straight away and I know I looked confused blank and shitting myself. Then I forgot my date of birth it was like my memory was completely wiped at the time. U can imagine I didn’t get that job. I cried all the way home. I was embarrassed humiliated felt stupid.

Back to the voluntary job, im attempting right now. I determined to make this work
but im not sleeping properly its making my episodes more regular and my life is a living hell.
Im beginning to feel suicidal again when I thought I started to have it under control.
Im not forced to work but I force myself to give back to the taxpayers somehow.
I feel guilty that I cant work a paid job. I Feel guilty about my illness.
The job I have is only 2 to 3 hours a week and I don’t sleep properly for days worrying about
the next shift to come and what could happen. I get irritable at home angry easily with my family. I don’t want to be around even my own family at times. I suffer extreme
downs. Im trying to stick at this job to beat my illness and overcome the fear.
But at the moment it seems to be only making me sicker. No one especially my friends and family expect me to work. Im a full time mum and partner that alone I find very
difficult to juggle with my mental illness. But if I don’t work I feel like a looser that
Is a burden on society? I want to be successful even if I have an illness to live with.
Some days I beg god to give me a life threatening illness so I can die without guilt
because if I commit suicide its wrong . I don’t want to leave others to take care of my family because no one can love them like I do but I also don’t want to live with this illness its to hard fighting everyday just to be happy and normal.
Im going to continue to fight because my love is very strong for my family and they are the only reason im still alive today.
I live only for them. One positive, iv learnt to control my self harm and I no longer resort to for eg cutting myself . I think about it but don’t do it. That alone is hard to
fight quite often. As it does feel good to help release tension. Its almost like the bad
emotions flow out with the release of escaping blood .But its only a temporary relief and can be dangerous if you go too far one day. Iv had past suicide attempts and come close. I have scars that will be there for life and it expresses my inner pain, the mental illness the torture that u cant always see. The scars almost justify the internal pain for me. I am a loving person to others but not so much to myself at times. But im going to try .
From Destiny 2.